FORT BENNING, Ga. — After completing one of the most grueling training programs the United States military has to offer, sources confirmed today that the first order of business for the two female graduates of Army Ranger school is to “crush tons of fucking pussy” this weekend.
First Lts. Kristen Griest and Shaye Haver — the first-ever women to graduate Ranger School — plan to attack the Fort Benning bar scene in similar fashion to their approach for each phase of Ranger School.
“With no fucking mercy,” said Griest, who sources say plans to pull at least one hat trick per day starting Friday and into infinity. “These motherfuckers better watch out. I haven’t been laid in over four months.”
Indeed, the two trailblazing soldiers have endured, persevered and overcome myriad challenges and setbacks to succeed where countless others have failed, and will mark this momentous milestone in U.S. Army history like the rest of their fellow graduates, by banging some poor unsuspecting barflies mercilessly cross-eyed.
“When we first started out, there were tons of haters,” said Haver, who also articulated the intent to sit on some dirty slut’s face until he or she comes or “suffocates to death.”
“Some people supported us. They told us all that matters is that we do our best,” she continued. “Fuck that. Losers whine about doing their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen — or king.”
Despite shattering another tier of the camouflage ceiling along with the hopes of those praying for their failure, both Griest and Haver expressed reservations concerning the celebrity of their success.
“We’re going to the Combat Diver Qualification Course after this, because we’re afraid of drowning in pussy,” admitted Griest. “Literally. We could literally drown in pussy.”
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.