TIKRIT, Iraq — ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ordered the group’s execution videos reflect a kindler, gentler jihad that will appeal to the whole family, sources say.
“So far the beheadings of infidels have been for adults only,” he said in a statement. “We need to create videos of brutal murder that the whole family can enjoy.”
Al-Baghdadi has been worried about the graphic content of the execution videos, according to aides. The self-proclaimed “caliph” is reportedly concerned that execution of captives by beheading, shooting squad, explosives strapped around the neck, and fiery cages, may offend fellow Muslims and children who find such images repulsive.
While Baghdadi had previously ordered videos to only show the initial slitting of the throat and the severed head — and not the beheading itself — his new rules will require executioners to wear silly costumes to “lighten the mood.”
“We would prefer our mascot Jafar, the Jew Hating Dinosaur,” al-Baghdadi said. “However we would be fine with Farfour, the Mickey Mouse ripoff who was beaten to death on children’s TV, and Assud, the Jew Eating Rabbit.”
The guidelines also recommend adding humor by replacing the captive’s screams with wacky sound effects.
“A laugh track for when the captive’s body hits the ground will help the children enjoy the fun,” al-Baghdadi told reporters. “Girls will enjoy the videos if there is a woman singing ‘Let It Go’ while the captive’s head is severed. The woman must then be executed for violating our fatwas against singing, and being a woman.”
“These rules for our beheadings will stop the West from portraying us as brainwashed psychopaths,” al-Baghdadi said. “It will also endear us to children, who will grow up to become fine young brainwashed psychopaths.”
Sources say ISIS will also attempt to appeal to men in their twenties by having an executioner dress up as a cartoon pony.