WASHINGTON, D.C. – Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. Raymond Odierno made waves yet again this week, declaring that a mere combination of whimsical alliteration and weekly Mexican dining at bargain prices is all that stands between the United States and certain anarchy.
“Taco Tuesday is the only thing holding this damn country together,” Odierno announced loudly at a press conference, clearly out of fucks to give.
Odierno, the most senior officer in the Department of the Army, previously sparked controversy last month during an exit interview when he stated the U.S. could have prevented the rise of the Islamic State.
“Do you all want the cold, hard truth?” Odierno rhetorically asked. “Mexicans – yes, the same Mexicans so many of you all want to get rid of – are this God-forsaken country’s saving grace.”
Indeed, the outbound Odierno professed love not only for Mexicans of all legal persuasions, but confessed to be utterly smitten by their delicately-crafted, nuanced street food and potent, tequila cocktails since first courting the then-unfamiliar fare two weeks ago.
“I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel,” the general grande continued, “and there are $2 tacos and $5 margaritas, but for how long, I can’t say. Definitely not after 2000 hours.”
“I remember the days when I could buy a pop for five cents, or catch a silent film at the drive-in with Betty Lou for a quarter,” Odierno reminisced. “These Mexicans, these industrious, humble folk, they get it. They understand the value of shredded cow tongue cradled by a soft, flour tortilla and topped with salsa fresca and mole sauce, and that value is exactly two dollars.”
“There, I said it. I like lengua,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“You know, one of my favorite things about Taco Tuesday actually takes place on Wednesday,” the general rambled on to no one in particular. “I inevitably have to shit my ever-loving brains out during some self-promoting, Pentagon circle-jerk where everyone echoes each other’s sweet nothings, and thanks to my crippling love for carnitas, adobada and carne asada con frijoles, I get to miss that egotistical bukkake and retain some semblance of dignity.”
“This guy knows what I’m talking about,” Odierno winked, singling out a confused reporter from The South of the Border Herald.
At press time, the general was still addressing the media, railing against the evils of music television and skirts above the knee.
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