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Paris Train Gunman ‘Ashamed’ Of Being Stopped By Airman, National Guardsman

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paris train gunman

PARIS, France – Beyond being banged up, bruised and shaken, the lone gunman who opened fire on a high-speed train bound from Amsterdam to Paris last weekend told local media outlets today that the worst injury of all was to his ego.

“I never imagined my jihad would be stopped dead in its tracks by an airman and a weekend warrior,” confessed Ayoub El Khazzani, who simultaneously set two Pan-Arabian records on Friday for “Most Bullets Fired in Erratic Hail with Zero Infidel Fatalities” and “Most Heavily-Armed Terrorist to Be Subdued by Infidel with Bare Hands.”

“When the media initially reported that I had been subdued by U.S. Marines, I thought, ‘Hey Ayoub, that’s not bad for a would-be mass murderer,’” he sighed. “Curse your western journalism.”

El Khazzani, who was armed with a fully-automatic Kalashnikov assault rifle, a Luger pistol and a box cutter, was taken down by two unarmed American service members: Airman 1st Class Spencer Stone and Spc. Alek Skarlatos of the Oregon National Guard. Command authorities have confirmed neither individual kills for a living.

“Even as I slipped into unconsciousness, I remember thinking to myself, ‘Surely this is the heel strike of a warrior trained in the ways of Marine Corps Martial Arts!’” the hapless jihadist recalled. “Then, as my face was crushed beneath the infidel’s boot, a bright, white light flashed and I hoped, ‘Maybe they are Navy SEALs and my legacy will live on in a series of books!’

“Alas, you can imagine my disappointment and utter embarrassment,” El Khazzani continued. “I should have just detonated myself – classic, reliable jihad. But I am too much of a sucker for tragic coincidence. Death by bullet on bullet train? Too good to pass up!”

Despite failing to inflict any fatalities, the aspiring terrorist did nearly succeed in severing any dreams Stone may have had of hitchhiking with his left thumb. However, it is likely that the airman will make a full recovery, catapulting El Khazzani into contention for “Worst Terrorist of the Decade.”

“I have been contemplating ending my own life to end my shame,” El Khazzani solemnly stated. “However, my lawyer says it would be better if I constructed a time machine to ensure I am never born.”

Epic Blunder is a former deck seaman with an aversion towards open water. He enjoys coffee and bourbon, among other diuretics, and eats competitively.

Navy

Zip-tied Somali pirates bet on how many SEAL memoirs they’ll be in

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MOGADISHU, Somalia — Four zip-tied Somali nationals placed bets on how many Navy SEAL memoirs they would be featured in, according to three SEAL memoirs already published since yesterday’s stand-off.

“Three shots in the dark, and the sacred rite of warfare had ended,” read one description of the mission in 2nd Class Petty Officer Jim MacDonald’s memoir “After Action: Hindsight through NVGs.” “It was a scene that has played out countless times in history: a little boat rocking in the moonlight that was like the gaze of Valhalla, a band of pirates arguing heatedly about how many airport bookstores would carry ghostwritten accounts of their capture.”

Another account of the event appeared in 2nd Class Petty Officer Joe Silvo’s “No Fear: Lessons on Hard Core Leadership for Market Uncertainty.”

“Hard core leaders eat accountability for breakfast,” read the opening paragraph of Chapter One: Hard Core Competencies. “But it can also make even the hardest core leaders feel vulnerable. For instance, when a band of pirates ridiculed me to tears as shameless self-promoter who would disgrace the Navy by cashing in on the prestige of the SEAL name to sell schlock to corporate executives, I almost didn’t ask them for a quote for this book.”

The betting took place after SEAL snipers killed three armed pirates who had taken an American oil tanker crew hostage in a small boat in the Gulf of Aden. Four Somalis were left to contemplate their fates as the SEALs moved in.

“As the bow of our boat parted the mist, we heard groans of agony rising from the pirate’s dinghy,” recalled Chief Petty Officer Ruben Martinez in “Crunch Time: Navy SEAL Secrets to Rock-Hard Abs.”

“Prepared for an ugly scene, we were surprised to find the pirates alert and unharmed, resigned to the fact that they would be reduced to two-dimensional caricatures in the many, many books that would be written about this non-event.”

The captives were driven to piracy by social and environmental forces that were out of their control, which should be considered when depicting them in film or literature, according to screenwriter Katherine Heller who designed the memoir-writing phase of SEAL Qualification Training.

“Picture a community devastated by war, disease, starvation, and neglect, and drop it right at the edge of the sea,” she told a class Wednesday, underlining “Raise The Stakes” on a chalkboard. “It’s the brutal friction between these two realities — the barbarity of man, the endlessness mystery of the raging ocean — that wrought these charact … I mean, survivors, and drove them to confrontation with the most hardened killers in the US military.”

“This is ‘Lone Survivor‘-level sales for anyone who does it right,” she added.

As Duffel Blog went to press, the four as-yet unnamed men were en route to a holding facility in Norfolk, Virginia, where they will face a grueling schedule of interviews by the hundreds of SEALs currently writing memoirs.

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News

Smart bomb finally destroys something that costs more than a smart bomb

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HELMAND, Afghanistan — A smart bomb has been used to destroy something that costs more than a smart bomb for the first time since the introduction of precision-guided munitions in 1968, sources confirmed today.

U.S. forces employed Hellfire laser-guided missiles to destroy five Taliban gun trucks as they prepared to attack Musa Qala, a district center in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

“We assess the value of these trucks that we destroyed as being about $200,000 a pop,” Gen. Austin S. Miller, commander of NATO forces in Afghanistan, told reporters. “A Hellfire missile only costs $115,000. This was the most efficient strike we’ve seen in this war yet.

The White House said the strike is proof the administration’s strategy in Afghanistan is working.

“This is what winning looks like. It’s proof that we’re putting the Taliban in a place where they be forced to negotiate,” said a senior administration official, who was not authorized to speak publicly. “They can’t afford this.”

Some Pentagon officials have pushed back on this assessment.

“The armored Humvees that the Taliban had stolen from the Afghan National Army originally cost $220,000, and we paid the Afghan interior ministry $8,300 in bribes to get them into the country,” John Sopko, the special inspector general for Afghanistan reconstruction, told reporters. “Also, the Taliban were using these as substitutes for trucks that they buy for $800 in Peshawar. So the general’s assessment of the replacement cost of these vehicles is not accurate.”

Foreign policy experts have raised concerns the White House could be overstating the long-term effects of the strike.

“This will not have a significant impact on the outcome of the conflict,” noted John Gentle, a foreign policy expert at RAND Corporation. “The U.S. spends $167 million a day in Afghanistan, and the American people don’t even know we’re still there. I don’t think they really expect our forces there to be efficient at this point. What is an efficient war, anyway?”

Samuel X. Clemens of No Such Agency contributed to this report.

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Marine Corps

The ten most mind-blowing lines from Lieutenant Smith’s latest operations order

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If you didn’t see it yourself, today’s five paragraph mission plan delivered by 2nd Lt. Smith was an absolute doozy. Here are ten of the most outrageous comments, annotated by SAW gunner PFC Ryan Joseph.

1. “Hey men, how’s everyone doing?” It has been well documented that Smith gives 0.0 fucks about anyone in this platoon.

2. “We’ve got a good mission to accomplish today.” Clearly Smith is already well versed in the officer skill of blindly saying yes to anything that comes down the pike, but come on, we all know this mission is garbage.

3. “We have reliable intelligence that the enemy is in a weakened state as the fighting season draws to a close.” Oh, really? Does ‘a weakened state’ simply mean that the local men might not pick up their weapons for the next few months, but then again they might? If so then, yes, weakened, we agree.

4. “Most dangerous course of action is that the enemy masses a fire team-plus and synchronizes small arms fire with the detonation of an improvised explosive device, which we will overcome with fire superiority.” Wrong. We would have accepted “enemy masses hundreds of fighters, synchronizes small arms, heavy machine gun and indirect fire to isolate and capture or kill one of our elements” or “Afghan ‘partner’ guns us all down before we leave the wire.”

5. “Order of movement will be second squad followed by third, then first.” Fuck, why is second always first? I mean, we know that the first squad leader has the navigational capability of, well, you, but come on!

6. “We’ll have a quick shura with the local elders.” There is no such thing as a quick shura. There is a shura where you politely talk about nothing for five hours and then they lie to you about what you need to know. There is also the abbreviated four hour version where they think you’re rude for cutting small talk short before asking them where the fuck the bad guys are.

7. “Gather intelligence on enemy disposition.” See above. We will gather lies and / or meaningless phrases from the men who would be fighting us themselves were they able-bodied.

8. “Our Afghan partners will clear all buildings prior to our entering the village.” There’s a recipe for success!

9. “We’ll need to make sure we initiate our movement back to base while we still have daylight.” WHY???

10. “Has anyone seen NODs? Things are green when you look through them.” OMG I can’t.

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News

Contractor Who Never Served Showing All The Trappings Of A True Vet Bro

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique, he has never actually served in the military, sources confirm today.

Mark Snufflepuff has never let that stop him, though, pushing the boundaries of what may or may not be considered stolen valor. He retains the right to blanket his social media with cringeworthy pro-American memes, pictures of his pre-workout, and his ability to make bad financial decisions.

“Vet culture is American culture. I don’t see really any difference from me and the guys pulling the triggers,” Snufflepuff said. “Hell no, I’ve never left the office. Well, the office and the gym. And the DFAC, massage parlor, Pizza Hut, the usual.”

Snufflepuff has created an exhaustive to-do list after waking up from his post-deployment hangovers. It includes physical therapy appointments for bad knees he acquired from lifting with Special Forces, Tinder dates he’s lined up, and stocking up on bottled water so he can continue to build his pyramid of spit bottles.

“I had to stop going out with him. He wears Affliction T-shirts, running shoes when he goes to the club, and always has a set of dog tags hanging out,” said Staff Sgt. Jack Spitty, one of Mark’s many friends on Facebook. “He has a higher high fade than I do. It was cool when I was an E4, but now I can’t bring myself to be around him.”

Snufflepuff is also excited to start a new t-shirt company, or brewery, or whatever. Whatever he thinks he will be able to market against his fellow vet bros, to paraphrase his rambling responses.

“I pay my taxes. I’m no different from them. Got my 5.11 clothes, finishing up the paperwork on this third divorce, and I think I’ll use the cash from this last deployment to rock a little further down my arm with this sick ink,” Snufflepuff said, pointing to his tribal tattoo on his right arm.

He’s deployed for now but can’t wait to get back stateside so he can practice his real calling: alcoholism.

DuffelBlog correspondent Danger Close also contributed to this article.

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News

Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather

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WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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News

US forces did stuff in Afghanistan or something

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WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today.

Gen. He’s Lying To You praised the operation, telling reporters that this was the most effective use of munition that hasn’t been effective since the Gulf War.

“We were absolutely surgical with this strike, you can guarantee that,” he said of the bombing, which killed two members of a militant group with a scary-sounding name as well as 47 civilians.

Central Command Spokesman Who Gives A Crap confirmed things definitely happened and you probably don’t care.

“It may have been effective, or it may not have been,” said Mouthpiece For The Global Military Industrial Complex. “Honestly, no one has a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it, but we thought we would share a piece of news to make it look like we are making headway.”

“We are definitely turning the corner,” she added.

Defense Secretary It Doesn’t Even Matter says this is all part of the Pentagon’s renewed focus on Buzzword For An Impossible To Understand Strategy, which has seen impressive gains for Afghan government forces in the last – what year is it?

“I don’t know,” said Lt. Col. Pending UCMJ For Sexual Assault. “We climbed a mountain, then we climbed another mountain, then we dropped a bunch of bombs, and then we came back. It was just like, whatever, you know?”

Other people were quick to criticize all of the stuff, especially Sen. I Almost Served In Vietnam.

“We demand a robust strategy argle bargle,” said Wasting Your Breath. “This has been going on for, like, ever now, and it needs to stop.”

Bad Fitting Pant Suit With 1980’s Hair echoed his sentiments, adding that “America can’t stomach another thing” and “she literally can’t even” with the situation.

“We need a plan to make a plan to prevent our plans from failing like all the other plans,” said I Support The Troops.

Anyway, sometime in the near future the military people and members of Congress planned to hold hearings and do other stuff to make sure that America doesn’t do this again. Maybe. Or not. Whatever.

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Army

Afghan bodyguard seems like real straight-shooter

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KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — An Afghan bodyguard seems like “a real straight-shooter,” sources reported today, adding that the professional guardian’s steely-eyed, thousand-yard stare brings a tide of warmth and comfort to the officials he protects.

Khalil Rahmati, a Kandahar native, was recently appointed to the security detail of Lt. Gen. Omar Abboud, a critical figure in the stability of Kandahar province who is entrusted with safeguarding Afghan and U.S. interests against the Taliban. Rahmati is Kandahar’s local Top Shot champion and holds the national record for shooting the most targets in the back in a one-minute period.

“Allah, what blessings to have such an eagle-eyed warrior in my personal guard,” said Abboud, successor to Gen. Abdul Razeq.

Razeq, a highly-respected and effective commander, was assassinated by his own bodyguard on Thursday.

Rahmati’s U.S. counterparts have also lauded his professionalism and, in particular, his marksmanship abilities.

“He’s basically the perfect soldier,” said Lt. Gen. Austin Miller, who survived the insider attack that killed Razeq and a high-ranking intelligence officer.

“If he were in the [U.S.] Army, Rahmati would certainly promote to sergeant with marksmanship scores like his,” added Sgt. 1st Class Chad Henry, deployed with the 1st Security Force Assistance Brigade. “Now, does that mean that I trust him with my life?”

“Absolutely,” he said.

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OPFOR

Taliban declare ceasefire until Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson get back together

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AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban insurgency, internationally known for waging a brutal nearly two decade war with the U.S., announced they would be suspending all combat operations until pop singer Ariana Grande got back together with recently separated boyfriend Pete Davidson, sources confirmed today

“I don’t know how we can be expected to work under these conditions. The grief is unbearable,” said Taliban fighter Mujeeb Jubair. “I could deal with the fighting and the death and with my friends being blown to bits by airstrikes, but I can’t deal with this heartbreak.”

The Taliban has only called for a small number of Hollywood breakup-related ceasefires in the past, the most recent following Brad Pitt’s divorce from Angelina Jolie in 2016.

“First Brangelina, and now this? I just need some time to get my head straight,” said Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada as he flipped through photos of the couple’s four month relationship on Instagram. “Those were the happiest four months of my life.”

Grande and Davidson reassured fans that they were splitting on good terms, leaving open the possibility of a future relationship and a return of hostilities in southwest Asia.

“I just want to let my fans know that, regardless of what happens between me and Pete, I still love them and think they should never stop waging unconventional warfare against the West,” tweeted Grande. “[Kiss emoji].”

At press time Akhundzada announced that, despite the lyrics to his favorite song saying otherwise, he did in fact have more tears left to cry.

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