PARIS, France – Beyond being banged up, bruised and shaken, the lone gunman who opened fire on a high-speed train bound from Amsterdam to Paris last weekend told local media outlets today that the worst injury of all was to his ego.
“I never imagined my jihad would be stopped dead in its tracks by an airman and a weekend warrior,” confessed Ayoub El Khazzani, who simultaneously set two Pan-Arabian records on Friday for “Most Bullets Fired in Erratic Hail with Zero Infidel Fatalities” and “Most Heavily-Armed Terrorist to Be Subdued by Infidel with Bare Hands.”
“When the media initially reported that I had been subdued by U.S. Marines, I thought, ‘Hey Ayoub, that’s not bad for a would-be mass murderer,’” he sighed. “Curse your western journalism.”
El Khazzani, who was armed with a fully-automatic Kalashnikov assault rifle, a Luger pistol and a box cutter, was taken down by two unarmed American service members: Airman 1st Class Spencer Stone and Spc. Alek Skarlatos of the Oregon National Guard. Command authorities have confirmed neither individual kills for a living.
“Even as I slipped into unconsciousness, I remember thinking to myself, ‘Surely this is the heel strike of a warrior trained in the ways of Marine Corps Martial Arts!’” the hapless jihadist recalled. “Then, as my face was crushed beneath the infidel’s boot, a bright, white light flashed and I hoped, ‘Maybe they are Navy SEALs and my legacy will live on in a series of books!’”
“Alas, you can imagine my disappointment and utter embarrassment,” El Khazzani continued. “I should have just detonated myself – classic, reliable jihad. But I am too much of a sucker for tragic coincidence. Death by bullet on bullet train? Too good to pass up!”
Despite failing to inflict any fatalities, the aspiring terrorist did nearly succeed in severing any dreams Stone may have had of hitchhiking with his left thumb. However, it is likely that the airman will make a full recovery, catapulting El Khazzani into contention for “Worst Terrorist of the Decade.”
“I have been contemplating ending my own life to end my shame,” El Khazzani solemnly stated. “However, my lawyer says it would be better if I constructed a time machine to ensure I am never born.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.