FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — Despite recently retiring and landing a job as a defense lobbyist and analyst at Fox News, retired Gen. Martin Dempsey is not taking “no” for an answer when it comes to the readiness of his former troops, reportedly showing up to training exercises unannounced to offer unsolicited and contradictory tactical and operational guidance to active Army units.
According to senior Pentagon officials, Dempsey used the money from a signing bonus to purchase a 40′ travel trailer to continue visiting Army installations and forcibly volunteer his opinion on regulations, training, doctrine, and foreign policy.
Dempsey gave some brief remarks after he was observed by reporters at Fort Campbell’s Son Drop Zone (DZ) looking particularly dapper and refreshed in a Bermuda shirt, powder blue shorts, and straw hat.
“Yeah, it’s a pretty sick rig,” Dempsey said, while gesturing to his opulent travel trailer while lacing up his white Nike Air Huaraches. “It has all of the comforts of home and is big enough to really get the entire chain of command involved in TLPs and MDMP.”
“It even has enough room for these sweetie pies,” Dempsey said cuddling his “tweenie” Dachshunds, who he fondly named “Cordon” and “Search.” He added: “I don’t know why I didn’t retire sooner.”
Although Dempsey seems to be happier than he has been in years, senior Army officials are starting to express concern that he may be overstaying his welcome.
“Obviously this is Marty Dempsey we’re talking about here,” said Army Vice Chief of Staff Gen. Daniel B. Allyn, who concedes Dempsey doesn’t have a contract with the government nor is he conducting training in any official DoD capacity. “And that name carries some weight, and consequently, more leeway where official Army protocol is concerned. However, randomly pulling into a training area, setting up your camper, and commandeering a platoon live fire is unacceptable.”
In addition to the constant training interruptions, Army installation officials like Fort Campbell range officer Barney Plagen are becoming incensed with the former Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff’s “retirement” mentality.
“I have had multiple reports of a senior citizen — who I assume to be Dempsey — surface-laying 140 gallons of raw sewage in nothing but calf-high black socks and Jockey underwear,” said Plagens. “Between that, soldiers needing medical attention from inhaling fumes from burning trash, and those goddamn dogs of his barking nonstop at his camper’s rainbow windcatcher, I have had about all I can take.”
Now the new Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Gen. Joseph Dunford is reportedly involved, but has not had time to officially reach a solution because Dempsey has been calling Dunford’s office daily inquiring on “what is new” with his “old unit.”