FORT BRAGG, N.C. — An Army Inspector General report warns that the Army’s junior enlisted are at budgetary risk following the discovery of a massive surplus of fucks that need to be given before the fiscal year ends on September 30. According to the report, these low ranking members of the Army gave out fewer fucks than even highly pessimistic projections predicted.
“It’s an embarrassment is what it is,” Spc. Jarrod Killebrew said after having a private read him the executive summary of the report. Killebrew, a Psychological Operations Specialist with 6th Psychological Operations Battalion, went on to say that giving an occasional fuck was supposed to be par for the course.
“When it suits us, it’s just fine to give a fuck here or there. But this year, man, we just didn’t give any. At all. None.”
Perhaps the greatest example of a specialist not giving a fuck this year was an incident where Spc. Matthew Tattersall (Ret.) took his pet Siamese Fighting Fish on an airborne jump.
“Tattersall really knocked it out of the park,” PFC Frank Ancona stated. Ancona, a Heavy Equipment Operator with 308th Engineer Battalion, also said that the type of not giving a fuck exemplified by Tattersall was crucial to developing the surplus of fucks toward the end of the fiscal year.
“With an example like that, you really have to question what you’re doing,” Ancona said. “It’s just too bad that such an event had to happen so early in third quarter. After that, there were absolutely no fucks given by anyone. And now, we’re basically four months behind on expending all of our fucks.”
The surplus has caused concern among Army budgetary analysts. The problem with a surplus of anything at the end of a fiscal year is it is returned to the Army with a corresponding reduction in allotments for the next fiscal year, explained Spc. Ted Wiesniewski, a Finance Specialist with 18th Airborne Corps.
“Basically, if I’m allotted, let’s say 200 fucks for a given fiscal year, but only use 150, then the Army takes the surplus of 50 fucks and then only issues me 150 for the following year,” Wiesniewski said. “But at some point, like this, the Army wants to know why we aren’t giving any at all, and then we have to pretend to care.”
When pressed for the estimated number of surplus at Ft. Bragg, Wiesniewski admitted he couldn’t “be bothered to look that shit up.”
According to the IG’s report, other personnel categories do not have such issues with issued fucks. Historically speaking, lower enlisted are given the smallest allotment of fucks. Junior NCOs and all officers generally have a relatively large amount of fucks which they are able to shower on their organizations and subordinates. NCOs such as first sergeants and sergeants major are given the lion’s share of per capita fucks.
The report notes that most command sergeants major actually operate on a deficit of fucks after the 15th of November, having burned through their fucks on everything from the length of a solider’s socks while wearing the Physical Fitness Uniform to whether someone is stepping on a raked patch of sand where grass refuses to grow.
No one has ever known a time when warrant officers were ever allotted fucks to give, the report concludes.
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