ATLANTA, GA — Prior-military paintball team “28th Paintfantry” has yet to win a single match against area teenagers according to sources at the paintball arena.
The team has cited many reasons, including a lack of viable air support and poor intelligence.
“Combat is all I know,” admitted retired Spc. Justin Rome, a former Army supply assistant. “The enemy just doesn’t realize that the way they’re winning is all wrong.”
Rome, the team’s captain, recounted the most recent loss as he removed his Afghan scarf and dusted off his 5.11 tactical pants. “We were pinned down by withering enemy fire, and we asked ourselves what the professional warriors overseas would do. Instinctively, I grabbed my MBITR radio and called for air support, but they never showed.”
“We lost a lot of good men that day,” he said, looking away. “Half our team quit paintball and do AirSoft now.”
Mohamed Abdulah, the young leader of the Inner-City Integrated Sports team, or ICIS, believes the 28th Paintfantry warriors simply misunderstand paintball as a sport.
“They think that fighting by the book is more important than winning,” Abdulah said, “so they shouldn’t expect to beat us. Usually, after their whole team is eliminated, they complain to the referees that they should at least get credit for a tie because they followed their operations order and the issue was obviously a lack of support.”
Marty Moore, 28th Paintfantry’s assistant team leader, feels that the paintball referees lack a sense of precedent. “Home base didn’t even send out attack dogs as a substitute for helicopters,” Moore said. “I mean, even Call of Duty lets you call for air support.”
Rome joined in. “We tried bounding movements and flanking formations, but without overwhelming numbers, technology, and money, it turns out that our Vietnam-era tactics are completely useless.”
The team has a backup plan, according to Moore. “We’ve started holding weekly equipment inventories and team safety briefs. If we’re going to rise to the American military’s level of tactical success, we’re going to have to start doing exactly what they do.”