HONOLULU — Sources report Adm. Harry Harris, Commanding Officer of Pacific Command, is unable to understand any tactic or procedure that doesn’t have a cool rhyme.
“I wasn’t sure what Vice Adm. Donaldson planned to do about tracking pirates, until he told me they were ‘putting an eye in the sky’ and planning to put ‘warheads on foreheads,’” Harris said in a meeting with reporters earlier today. “A SEAL team was currently ‘in the rear with the gear’ but ‘capable of getting their ass in the grass.’ They were planning to use a SPIE rig so they’d be going in as dope on a rope.”
“I also met with Brig. Gen. Pierce to discuss our plan to contain Chinese expansion,” Harris said as he headed towards his office. “Nothing he said rhymed so I had no idea what he was talking about.” He paused to unlock a door.
“Key in, door handle spin,” he said to himself. “That one’s hard to remember.”
Harris was planning to write Pierce a non-punitive letter of reprimand for failing to write a comprehensible briefing. “Recommended non-sensible tactics,” Harris said. “Armored warfare is a ‘lean mean fighting machine’ that should ‘haul ass and bypass.’ With your lack of tactical awareness I wouldn’t trust you with my life, my money, or my wife.”
“I didn’t want to be doing this kind of stuff near the end of my career,” Harris said. “I retire in six months, I’m a single digit midget.”
Later that day work at Pacific Command headquarters ground to a halt for three hours after someone removed the sign over the coffee pot reading ‘Coffee out, more water from spout.’