Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views : Ad Clicks : Ad Views :

Mutant Super-Soldier Can’t Find Job After Service


TULSA, Okla. — Genetically-engineered combat veteran James Logan, who recently received an honorable discharge from the US Army after 14 years of service, is completely unable to find steady employment now that he has separated, sources say.

Logan cited problems with explaining military experience to civilian employers during a recent interview. “Microsoft told me that leading hundreds of heroes on a bloody warpath wasn’t really management experience,” Logan quipped while opening an unemployment decision letter with his metal claws. “If cold-blooded murder isn’t capitalism, I don’t know what is, Bub.”

Many of Logan’s government-created former teammates experienced similar issues.

“Me no have job,” said one veteran who wished to remain anonymous. “Me heart big as me fists. Me sad.” He crumpled his résumé into dust. “Me think hiring veteran no for helping veteran, but for helping company public image.”

Bank of America, who has hired nearly two veterans in the last five years, was shocked. “With all this press, we would hire Logan in a heartbeat,” said Bank of America spokesman Bill Stryker. “But we can’t hire every veteran. We only have so many janitor positions open right now.”

Logan’s friend Steve Rogers had more mixed feelings. “Honestly, Logan would be good at anything he tried, but it’s hard for employers to look past his facial hair and the angry stereotypes he embodies.”

Rogers, who is also unemployed after 75 years of service in a secret government program, has turned down several offers from security contractors. “I can’t just waste my talent on something so cliché. For goodness’ sake, I was an officer.”

At press time, Logan was hopeful that the US government would at least sustain him with cheap gestures. “I want to travel abroad and discover myself, but I’m still waiting for my VA compensation for service-related amnesia and PTSD.”

Recommended For You:

It is main inner container footer text
The military's best doctors are so close to finding a cure for butt hurt.
Enter your email below to be notified as soon as they make a breakthrough, and get regular updates from Duffel Blog — the best military site in the world.
Your email is protected from spam and Chinese hackers, which is more than we can say for people working at the Pentagon.