WASHINGTON D.C. — On the packed steps of the Capitol this morning, members of both parties in Congress announced the passing of HR 1944, which affirming America’s historical alliance with France. Notably, the bill recognizes America’s “unwavering support and affection for the people of France” by officially declaring, “Let the word go forth from this time and place: we’re back to calling them ‘French fries’ and ‘French toast.’”
Flanked by minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and majority leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) addressed the growing crowd of people who had turned out to show solidarity with France.
“We want to say to the American people that we hear you — Congress has taken quick and decisive action for our oldest ally, France. The fight against the Islamic State will be long, but we will not waver. Or go hungry, with all these delicious French foods to eat.”
Smiling to the cameras, Pelosi added to the words of the Speaker. “This bill is proof that Congress can still work together in dire times to address the concerns of the American people.”
However, on the streets of Paris, there was some confusion over America’s official response.
“Pommes frites?” asked Sofía Serrano, a local university student. “You mean potato chips? C’est de la merde. Uhm, thanks.”
However, not all in Congress shared the enthusiasm of the House leaders. The resolution was passed without a no vote, but Peter Welch (D-Vt.) was the sole abstention.
“I understand the evils perpetrated by ISIS, but I have to follow my conscience,” Zinke said. “I can’t support further provocation of these terrorists through a hasty resolution that passed because of an emotional reaction. Americans deserve a debate around our response.”
Welch was escorted out the back by Capitol police, where no one really seemed to take notice.
And as France has shown their dedication to fighting terrorism through their intervention in Mali and their bombing campaign against IS, Ryan declared that the U.S. will respond in kind.
“For the next week, we will be referring to One World Trade as the French Tower,” said Ryan. “Also, quiche is back in.”
Americans have rushed to express their grief and moral support for the people in France. At Sheryl’s family kitchen in Mobile, AL, one order this morning underscores the shift for many Americans who once only used France as the butt end of their jokes. Striding to his usual spot at the bar, local John “Bubba B” Briand called out his order in a booming voice.
“I’ll have some French toast covered with some French fries,” Briand roared. “And throw some cheese on top for good measure!”