Syrian Refugees Relieved Not To Be Sent To Detroit

LANSING, Mich — Nearly 10,000 refugees arriving in the United States over the next 11 months were relieved to learn that they would not be sent to Detroit, sources report.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder suspended efforts to relocate Syrians displaced by the country’s civil war earlier this week “until a more reasonable and humane solution” could be found.

“They have already been through so much,” Snyder told the Detroit Free Press. “To be sent to another city in ruins with a corrupt and ineffectual government seems like a cruel joke.”

The city, while boasting the title “Most Dangerous City in America” for three years running, is still statistically safer than Syria. However, refugees have their heart set on “The American Dream” and will settle for nothing less.

“At first I was excited to learn about Detroit’s ‘lions’ and ‘tigers,'” said Eid Al Fayez from his tent in Turkey’s Nizip Refugee Camp, who reportedly ate the Al-Qarya al-Shama Zoo’s lions to survive. “But then I found out they were perennially underachieving sports teams.”

“If I wanted to be disappointed every year then I would have stayed in Syria and waited for the developed world to come to our rescue,” he added.

While there is hope for incoming refugees, there are still concerns for the nearly 20 Syrians who arrived in Detroit before Snyder suspended the relocation effort. According to the US Department of State’s Bureau of Population, Refugees, and Migration (PRM), there is no reason to worry. PRM indicated nearly all of the registered refugees reported in interviews that their situation is “mostly better, kind of,” than living in a war zone.

“I’ll admit, when I looked down from the airplane as we were arriving to Detroit, I thought someone played a joke and flew us back to Raqqa,” recent Detroit resident Tareq Suheimat told Duffel Blog. “But then I felt kind of silly because it was just the ruins of a failed mass transit system surrounded by thousands of abandoned houses.”

Given his extensive research of Detroit from documentaries such as “Robocop” and “8 Mile,” Suheimat was pleasantly surprised with the quality of life in the Midwestern city. He went on to say he was most impressed with the municipal services that arrived promptly three hours after his government housing was set ablaze as part of the city’s Halloween “Devil’s Night” festivities.

“I can’t believe anyone actually showed up at all,” Suheimat admitted. “But then again, with superior technology like fax machines and pop cans to keep you abreast of emergencies, I can see why people think America is a great place to live.”


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7 Comments

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  2. Pretty funny. They could land in Detroit and never have to learn English. There are neighborhoods in Michigan where Sharia is more familiar than the Magna Carta. I met a guy who worked security in Detroit, his stories, assuming they were true, sounded like Beirut. He said, “It IS Beirut!”

  3. Those poor refugees. How are they supposed to build a terrorist network when they’re surrounded by criminals, gangs, and corrupt politicians?? I’m glad they’re going to send them someplace else. Maybe Miami??

  4. Aside from this article being accurate in many respects, the saddest part is right now Detroit isn’t even the worst city in Michigan. Flint has everything Detroit has to offer PLUS a water system that has had issues with poisioning over the last several months.

    Pure Miss Shit Can

  5. Actually, the plan (just voted down by the city council) was house them in Pontiac–Detroit’s scary methhead cousin.

  6. As a Detroiter, I have to admit this is bang on the mark! I am so proud to hear that municipal services arrived in only three hours! Way to go Detroit, getting better every day. I have to disagree that it would be inhumane to house foreign refugees, afterall, Detroit already functions as a refugee camp, so why wouldn’t new refugees be welcome to share the amenities?

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