Navy Unveils $14.99 (+ s/h) Strategic Planning Technology

111029-N-NY820-042 NORFOLK (Oct. 29, 2011) -Vice Adm. John Richardson, Commander, Submarine Forces, delivers remarks during the commissioning of the Virginia-class attack submarine USS California (SSN 781) at Naval Station Norfolk. California is the eighth Virginia-class submarine and will be homeported in Groton, Conn. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Eric C. Tretter/Released)

THE PENTAGON — The Navy today announced a new contract with the Milton Bradley Company to develop a cost-efficient technology for use on the maritime battlefield. Milton Bradley will be mass-producing a new device for the Navy which will be known as the Basic Analog Terminal for Targeting and Locating Enemy Ships and Honing Incursions with Precision, or “BATTLESHIP.”

“Due to a new era of fiscal restraints, gone are the days of multibillion dollar contracts with the likes of Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman, and General Dynamics,” said new Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson. “Milton Bradley has agreed to provide each BATTLESHIP terminal to the Navy for the low cost of $14.99 plus shipping and handling.”

Senior leaders were quick to praise BATTLESHIP for it’s portability, energy efficiency, and ease of use. “It’s also EMP-hardened,” according to one officer.

“This is a game-changer for us,” said Adm. Philip Davidson, commander of the Fleet Forces Command. “War gaming with our older technology previously took several days, but now we can go through a complete war game simulation in about twenty minutes.”

Not only is the technology cheaper and more efficient, but it has led to the development of new battle tactics never before realized.

“We’ve discovered through extensive simulations with BATTLESHIP that the best defensive strategy is to have some ships oriented in an East-West direction and others North-South,” said Richardson. “I’ve since ordered half of the ships in the Pacific Fleet to turn ninety degrees to starboard.”

“Oh, and if China wants to hide a destroyer in sector B9, I guarantee we will find it,” added Richardson.

Following the success of the Navy’s partnership with Milton Bradley, the Army announced it will be contracting with Parker Brothers to produce a new technology called the Regional Infiltration Strategy Kit, or ‘RISK.’


Yossarian will finally be able to return home from deployment when he writes enough articles, but the Duffel Blog editors keep increasing his quota whenever he comes close to fulfilling it.