FORT DRUM, N.Y. — A battered can of Copenhagen dip lasted eight whole days in the field with the 10th Mountain Division, Army sources confirm. This miracle occurred during a field exercise with the 2-87 Catamount Battalion.
Battalion leadership conducted a last-minute shakedown before heading out to the field, defiling tobacco stockpiles in accordance with a new morale-crushing policy just before jump off.
“Tobacco kills my soldiers,” Sgt. Maj. James Burton explained. “So do toxic marriages and traumatic brain injuries, but we can’t ban tits and IEDs now can we?”
The first night in the field, Spc. Judah Berkowitz, an infantryman from Queens, New York, made an amazing discovery. “I was digging a fighting position,” said Berkowitz. “See? Right here, I made it out of clay. And when it was dry and ready I hopped in and found a half-buried can of Copenhagen.”
The tobacco lasted for eight days, against all odds. “I still can’t believe it,” platoon mooch Pfc. John Peters said. “That can never ran out. I must’ve bummed a dozen pinches from that chump and I didn’t put a dent in it. Hey, can I grab a Marlboro while we’re talking?”
Berkowitz and his dip inspired the 2-87 to greatness during their exercise, and he received a challenge coin for his leadership. Burton melted chocolate onto the coin first, however, because he “heard your people do that around this time of year.”
The Catamount battalion has dubbed Berkowitz’s story the “Miracle of Hannu-Cope.”