RAQQA, Syria — The Islamic State has threatened to sue anyone who claims their court system is different from Saudi Arabia’s, sources report. This announcement comes on the heels of Saudi Arabia threatening to sue anyone who said their justice system is like ISIS.
“I am disappointed in my Saudi brethren,” said Abu Bakr al-Bahgdadi, the leader of ISIS. “To say our system of presuming perpetrators guilty, locking them up, then executing them without trial is any different from theirs is a lie. I hope to find the Saudi official who made this claim and lash him until he agrees.”
Many people criticized Saudi Arabia’s justice system for being “ISIS-like” after the poet Ashraf Fayadh was sentenced to death for renouncing his Islamic faith.
“Their system may be a little more refined because they’ve been around longer,” al-Bahgdadi said. “We haven’t established an Anti-Witchcraft Unit to fight magical crime. However, like Saudi Arabia we have made sorcery punishable by death because we have our priorities straight. Soon the rings of organized magical crime that run rampant in the Caliphate will be shut down.”
“We have not had the chance to force schoolgirls back inside a burning building because they were not wearing a burqa,” al-Bahgdadi added. “We will do our best to burn girls to death instead of allowing them in public uncovered if we get the chance, inshallah. But it will be hard for that scenario to occur because we will never allow girls inside a school for any reason.”
State Department spokesman John Kirby clarified the administration’s position on Saudi Arabia earlier today. “Saudi Arabia is unlike ISIS,” Kirby said. “ISIS is a terrorist network, while Saudi Arabia only funds terror. The Saudis also have oil and are planning to buy the F-35. The poet was only put on trial because he was accused of apostasy by someone who didn’t like him. It’s the kind of misunderstanding you’d see in a sitcom that ends with a publicized execution.”
ISIS leaders say they are also looking forward to replacing Saudi Arabia on a key part of a panel on the United Nations Human Rights Council when the Saudi’s seat is up..