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National Guard Receives Coloring Book At Gift Exchange, Told To Sit Quietly In Corner

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Photo Credit: US Army

THE PENTAGON — At the Joint Chiefs annual holiday secret Santa gift exchange, each branch of the service received one special gift for the rest of the year: A working Littoral Combat Ship for the Navy, more bombs for Syria for the Air Force, a new fleet of gently-used Apache helicopters for the Army, and a big, thick coloring book for the National Guard.

“Hey, those are my Apaches!” squealed Gen. Frank Grass, Chief of the National Guard Bureau, speaking over the shushing of Army Gen. Mark Milley.

“Frank gets so worked up when he eats all those Christmas cookies,” Milley told reporters, while chiding Grass to “just sit in the corner with your new coloring book while the big kids have a scotch.”

The National Guard, recently spoiled with additional training days, has been getting rowdy in meetings, sources say, asking for budget autonomy, full staffing and working equipment.

“Adult coloring books are a very trendy method for channeling anxiety,” said Defense Secretary Ash Carter. “We were hoping that by giving the National Guard something to do in meetings it would soothe the little guy.

“Ugh,” said Grass. “This is almost as bad as last year when ISIS got all the MRAPs we wanted.”

The Marine Corps is reportedly asking for 800 green scrub pads and vertical lift capability for the F-35, neither of which Santa can afford.

BlondesOverBaghdad always lets someone else have the top block, because that's the selfless service thing to do. She'll go to Ranger School as soon as there's a 2-beer per day policy. @BlondsOvrBaghd on Twitter.

Army

Virginia Guard’s 276th Engineer Battalion recognized for outstanding vehicle maintenance program

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FORT PICKETT, VIRGNIA — The Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, General Mark A. Milley, has recognized the 276th Engineer Battalion of the Virginia Army National Guard for outstanding vehicle maintenance, according to senior Pentagon officials.

The battalion’s high vehicle readiness came to the attention of the Army Staff last week, during an individual emergency deployment readiness exercise in Richmond, Va. During the exercise, 1st Lt. Joshua Yabut conducted a two-hour tactical convoy movement in an M577 Armored Personnel Carrier without any prior preparation, except standard preventive maintenance checks and services.

Incredibly, the vehicle remained fully operational throughout the entire exercise.

Lt. Col. Lee Jenkins, commanding the 276th Engineer Battalion, said he could not have been prouder of the performance of the Armored Personnel Carrier during the exercise.

“We don’t get the best equipment. Most National Guard vehicles break down the second you start them up,” Custer said after an awards ceremony. “We’re very proud of our maintainers for keeping our vehicles in this top condition, ready to very literally fight tonight.”

General Milley, before presenting an award to the battalion, said that they should be proud of what they have done.

“At any time, any one of you could be called upon to pick up those vehicles and drive them into battle,” Milley said. “We live in the most dangerous world I have ever seen. Right now, we have to be prepared to face North Korea, China, Russia, Iran, the remnants of the Islamic State, and even Canada is looking pretty threatening right now. You have proven to America’s enemies that you are ready to beat them in any battle.”

Yabut’s actions were “an incredible example of mission command,” according to Lt. Col. Jenkins. “He got the order to make this movement happen from the voices in his head, and executed after only conducting hasty mission analysis using the Army’s Ground Risk Assessment Tool. This is the sort of leadership that I would expect from not just the regular army, but really an elite unit like the special forces. One team, one fight!”

The award presented to the battalion consisted of a puke-green streamer and a signed certificate that Gen. Milley made on PowerPoint.

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Air Force

REVEALED: Tennessee general angered over reenlistment video was abused by dinosaur puppet as a child

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Maj. Gen. Terry Haston, the adjutant general for the Tennessee National Guard who ended and ruined several careers over a lighthearted reenlistment video featuring a puppet, has revealed that he was severely mistreated by a dinosaur puppet as a child, sources confirmed today.

The T-rex puppet, worn by his uncle Steve and nicknamed “Dangersaurus,” was the cause of enormous emotional trauma for the young Haston.

“If you experienced the horrors I did, you’d know that we have to stay focused on what really matters in the military, and that’s the perils of dinosaur puppets,” Haston told reporters. “Trust me, if I talked while Uncle Steve was watching TV, Dangersaurus would slap me silly. I didn’t like it, and neither would anyone in our military.”

Haston knows a threat to good order and discipline when he sees it, adding: “Dinosaur puppets are just like tattoos and having fun: an unequivocal indicator of moral depravity and inability to do your job.”

Still, although the woman taking the oath of enlistment has been punished and reassigned for her actions, Haston expressed sympathy for her situation.

“Dangersaurus made Uncle Steve do horrible things too, like inject drugs and shout at Aunt Kathy,” Haston said. “I suspect that our offender would not have recorded such a depraved viral video without the pressures of her dinosaur puppet.”

Dr. Jeff Wolbers, a child psychologist, confirmed Haston’s personal narrative.

“Unlike the controversial video, child abuse is an example of a real, serious, and lasting offense,” said Wolbers. “Haston must have been abused by a dinosaur puppet for an extended period of time because there is literally no other reason to cause more harm to the people involved and their families through punishment than the video caused to begin with.”

When asked why the general had delivered harsher penalties for a harmless video than for actual instances of violence, sexual abuse, or drug use in the military, Haston maintained that was an unfair comparison.

“Unlike this video, those things are done in secret, so I have no way of knowing whether a dinosaur puppet was involved or whether there’s enough publicity for me to care.”

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Air Force

Colonel who gave reenlistment oath to dinosaur puppet forced to retire at same rank as Jeffrey Sinclair

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Following outrage over a viral video in which an Air National Guardsman reenlisted while wearing a dinosaur hand puppet, Tennessee National Guard Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Terry Haston announced punishments effectively ending the lengthy careers of three senior guardsman, sources confirmed today.

The most senior officer, an unnamed colonel who administered the reenlistment oath, was immediately forced to retire at a reduced rank of lieutenant colonel. This is also the same rank at which Jeffrey Sinclair was forced to retire after making a plea bargain to reduce sexual assault charges to guilty pleas for adultery, mistreating a junior officer, soliciting explicit photos from female officers, possessing pornography in a combat zone, and abusing a government charge card.

“I hope this sends a message to all our soldiers and airman that attempting to inject some light-hearted humor into a sacrosanct military ceremony is a serious offense,” said the portly general, as he reached his hand into a bag of pork rinds.

Haston defended his decision, noting that Jeffrey Sinclair was reduced two ranks, whereas he only reduced the unnamed colonel one rank.

“In my estimation, allowing your subordinate to reenlist with a sock puppet is approximately half as bad as forcing your subordinate to perform oral sex and then threatening to kill her,” said Haston, as he attempted to wipe a mustard stain off of his uniform.

Haston noted his intent is to separate the wheat from the chaff within his organization, getting rid of leaders who he deems lacking in leadership skills.

“We aim to promote good leadership, which is exemplified by actions such as destroying morale within your organization by levying draconian punishments for minor infractions for the sake of political expediency, kowtowing to the whims of social media vigilantes suffering from Outraged Veteran Syndrome, and maintaining a body fat percentage under 45%.”

“I strive to maintain high standards within my organization,” added Haston, as he reached for his second serving of birthday cake.

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Army

Report: Unlicensed Private in driver’s seat ‘pretty sure’ he’s got this

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CAMP MCCRADY, S.C. — An Army Reservist on his first annual training told fellow soldiers he’s “pretty sure” this will be easy, after he was ordered to move an unfamiliar vehicle from one side of the training area to another, sources confirmed today.

“Dude, it’s just like my truck at home,” said Pvt. Steven All, pointing to the 11.5-ton M1078 light medium tactical vehicle (LMTV), a military vehicle used to haul supplies, troops, and equipment over rough terrain.

According to witnesses, All reportedly fell “right on his boot ass” before making a second, more cautious attempt to enter the cab of the vehicle. According to another onlooker, All missed the ladder-step “by this much,” indicating a distance of about three inches with his fingers.

Undeterred, All, who completed basic combat training almost three months ago, dedicated the next 12 or so minutes flipping various switches, pressing buttons, and operating levers while trying to start the engine.

“Where the hell do the keys go?” All reportedly asked himself, a question which could have probably been answered by an assistant driver, had All selected one.

“I asked who had a driver’s license, and he was the only one dumb enough to raise his hand. In retrospect, I should have asked ‘who has an LMTV license?’” explained 1st Lt. Travis Rogers, All’s platoon leader. “Whatever. He only needs to move it about 30 feet, how much can he possibly screw it up?”

At press time, the LMTV was on its side and in flames, further from its intended destination than where it started. No ground guide could be found for comment.

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Air Force

Troops save Pentagon over $900 trillion each year, according to performance reports

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WASHINGTON — An independent study of military performance reports show service members save the DoD upwards of $900 trillion each year. The savings are equivalent to the GDP of the entire European Union, Asia, and Jupiter combined.

“I think the data is consistent with what we’ve known for a long time,” said Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, affirming the findings. “The value of the men and women that serve our country is incomprehensible.”

As noted in a performance report while he served as the commander of U.S. Central Command in 2012, Mattis saved the Marine Corps over $50 million after suggesting printing on both sides whenever possible.

Savings like this are commonplace among the service branches. Capt. Henry O’Connell, an F-22 pilot at Langley Air Force Base in Virginia, published a safety memo last spring. His one page memo, which prevented an untold number of mishaps, saved the Air Force some $6 billion.

And Sgt. 1st Class David Harrison, assigned to the 174th Infantry Brigade, saved the military more than $200,000 by doing his job. As his performance report explained, the cost of finding and training a replacement for him would have costed the Army thousands of dollars.

Still, several economists have criticized the study as flawed, commenting that the numbers seem inflated. However, none of those nosy economists are trying to make E-7 so what do they know about it anyway, sources said.

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Air Force

Entire military disappointed no one thought to run dick-shaped route in Syria

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WASHINGTON — Military service members expressed shock after run routes of troops deployed overseas at secret bases were revealed by a fitness app and not a single one was shaped like a dick, sources confirmed today.

“What is this, amateur hour?” asked Lance Cpl. Alan Briggins, a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton.

Personal workout data released earlier this week by the fitness app Strava inadvertently revealed running routes from U.S. troops, which outlined everything from secret bases to Patriot missile batteries. Although some service members were upset by the apparent operational security nightmare, many others were angered that not a single one of those deployed soldiers used their personal Fitbit or Apple Watch to help form a giant beef bayonet as they ran.

The news came mere months after a Navy pilot used his jet to draw a massive dick in the skies over Washington State, compounding service members’ disappointment that troops deployed in Iraq or Syria couldn’t jog out at least one “big veiny bastard,” a senior defense official said.

“Ever since I saw the news of sky dick I was hoping that someone would do something like it on the ground,” said 1st Lt. Anthony McCue, an infantry platoon commander. “This is what Go Army, Beat Navy is all about.”

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Army

University of Phoenix takes over management of Army’s Command and General Staff College

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FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – Cheers erupted across the auditorium as senior military officers attended their orientation for the first Command and General Staff College to be run by University of Phoenix, sources confirmed today.

Last year, University of Phoenix made headlines when it won the bid to take over management of the Army’s graduate-level war college, a required step for majors as they continue progressing into the senior ranks. Under the new management, officers now have the opportunity to simultaneously earn any masters degree from the university’s program offerings in addition to completing their required military studies, officials said.

“I used to be afraid employers wouldn’t understand my background and education after I retire,” said Maj. Ross Davidson, a field artillery officer now concurrently seeking a Phoenix M.A. in Medieval History. “I ain’t just some hotshot firing the big guns no more. I’m gaining a quality education that businesses will recognize, hooah.”

In an effort to cut costs, the Army had earlier announced that all officers attending CGSC would have to self-fund the mandatory career school with their entire GI Bill benefit. By partnering with a respected university that can offer a robust selection of degree programs, this is seen as the best way to ensure the DoD is still taking care of its aspiring leaders.

“Officers can expect our classroom instruction to be just as top notch as our online courses,” said University of Phoenix President Peter Cohen, while addressing their ability to successfully manage a physical campus.

When asked about how they planned to handle selection for the prestigious School of Advanced Military Studies (SAMS), Coehn wasn’t worried.

“Sam? Sams?…Fuck it, we’ll put whatever the hell you want on that diploma,” he said.

Despite the overwhelmingly positive feedback from most officers, some weren’t so optimistic.

“Wait, they’re doing what?” asked Maj. Mo Deaver, a military intelligence officer who claimed he never heard the announcements due to “limited access” to his unclassified email.

He added: “That does it, dropping papers as soon as I get home. I’ve got a top secret security clearance. I’m done with this bullshit.”

Despite some concerns, most attendees are excited about changes to come, including Maj. Davidson.

“There’s nothing that makes me prouder than being an American,” said a teary-eyed Davidson, “except maybe being a Phoenix!”

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Air Force

SPECIAL REPORT: The gate guard at your base is dating your mom

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YOUR HOME — You thought being stationed close to home would be a good idea, since you could hang out with old friends, see family more often, and pocket a little BAH while living at home.

But that all came crashing down when you realized that your mom’s new boyfriend looked all too familiar, sources confirmed today.

At first you couldn’t quite put your finger on it, then that next morning as you were driving onto base, it hit you: One of the gate guards at your base is dating your mom.

You couldn’t mask your discomfort when you pulled up Gate A1 and handed him your ID, officials said. They added that you tried not to make eye contact but you subtly wanted to make sure you weren’t crazy and took one more glance.

“Fuck! Yup, it’s him,” you reportedly said, before noticing that he just winked at you.

He looks like a nice enough guy, although he seems to have the gracefulness of a traffic cone blowing in the wind, according to some reports.

Officials say you’re already picturing him sitting at the dinner table asking you things like, “what made you want to join the military”, “what’s it like being a hero”, and “did you know how beautiful your mother is?”

It’s also been confirmed that he will inevitably tell you about what service he went into in a long drawn-out story that will feel like an eternity. When you’re left alone with him in the kitchen, officials say he will go on about how he used to “chase tail” when he was your age in a undeniably gross encounter.

Still, sources say you shouldn’t even start thinking about when she eventually breaks up with him.

You’re going to have to track down his schedule and make sure you don’t go to whatever gate he’s working that day and his hours, a source added, since “this is your life now.”

At press time, your mom just posted something on Facebook that says “Going out for a special night with a special somebody,” followed by four heart emojis, 4 more kissy face emojis, and one wink emoji.

“God fucking damn it,” you reportedly said.

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