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SF Soldier-Turned-CIA Officer Disappointed To Find Out It’s Not ‘Just Like Splinter Cell’


LANGLEY, Va. — A CIA Paramilitary Officer is disappointed to learn that his job isn’t “just like Splinter Cell,” Duffel Blog has learned.

Capt. Nathan Dorsett, a decorated Special Forces soldier, is one of several USSOCOM officers loaned to the Special Activities Division nearly two years ago. However, in spite of his elite training, he has so far spent very little time actually sneaking around in the shadows and more time writing really dry intelligence reports, with at best a little blackmailing of foreign government officials.

“My old CO told me the CIA had an open slot for an SF officer, so I jumped at the chance to trade my heavy rucksack and FAST helmet for a high-tech sneaking suit and three-lens thermal goggles,” says Dorsett. “After all, I prefer stealth to kicking down doors or instructing soldiers who will desert anyway. In hindsight, I probably should have researched this more.”

Due to his experience in training foreign forces, Dorsett was initially tasked with raising a guerrilla army to overthrow a democracy in the third world, a mission which he describes as being “almost like SF, but with more unmarked guns and cocaine.” However, since then, he has spent far more time behind a desk than in the field.

Based on his experiences, Dorsett believes that as more millennials enter the CIA from USSOCOM, morale will decline when the newbies realize the Agency isn’t very much like the video games they played growing up.

“Whether they’re ordered to compile lengthy PowerPoint presentations, traffic heroin in American neighborhoods, or plan the next 9/11, the newest CIA officers are going to be disappointed like I was. They should stay in the military and try out for a Tier 1 unit. Anything but this.”

In recent days, Dorsett has been preparing to transfer back to the Army. Unbeknownst to him, one of his Navy SEAL colleagues has been selected to join a new NSA black ops program specializing in solo infiltration.

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