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DoD: Spouses Selling Snake Oil and Potions at All-Time High

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Potions and Elixirs Continue to Proliferate in a "Spousal Black Market"

THE PENTAGON — A thriving market of completely useless and laughably marketed schemes peddled by military spouses has exploded in military communities around the country this year, Pentagon sources said today.

According to Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook, get-rich-quick pyramid scams like “It Helps!” and “Blexxus,” once derided as “clearly bullshit” and “obvious Ponzi schemes,” have proliferated at an alarming rate.

“The sudden growth has been attributed to the efforts of spouses running wild on social media, empowered by erroneously claiming to be small business owners,” Cook said.

Service members around the Department of Defense have been complaining up the chain of command and on social media to vent their frustration. One junior Army Officer, seeking to remain anonymous, confided that the trend was getting out of control.

“My wife can’t attend a single family event without being swarmed by a pack of wives yammering away about how they lost 20 pounds by wrapping seaweed around their face and sucking down shakes that taste like Chapstick and ass,” the lieutenant said. “All my wife has to do is sign up and get 10 other idiots to sign up too. It’s all bullshit, but these hens move from one fad to the next so fast it’s hard to keep track and they are relentless.”

The Pentagon is moving to curb the spike in solicitation and consumption of ineffectual and annoying gimmicks in conjunction with other health initiatives for the military.

“The primary concern of the Department of Defense is the health and welfare of our service members and their families. However, we simply cannot stand by and allow the solicitation of unstable chemical cocktails risking the combat effectiveness of our soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines.” Said Cook. “That’s reserved for GNC.”

Unchecked, this black market of bizarre skin wraps and strange, glowing drinks which purport to contain magical healing properties, could soon completely supplant the entrenched monopoly of self-styled health and fitness chain GNC within PX’s and BX’s worldwide.

“We will not rest until we are free to harass and misinform service members regarding nutrition and exercise science, free from the existential threat of equally uninformed spouses,” said one GNC huckster.

Military spouses have been selling potions and snake oils at least as far back as the Civil War, when camp followers offered soldiers elixirs claiming to make them “Impervious to Cannon Shot and Musket Fire.”

But these modern franchises of spousal health products insist they are different. “I mean, I have personally lost 10 pounds of fat since Christmas,” said one entrepreneur. “And it’s not just dangerous fasting and crash dieting, like what those skanks from Alpha Company are selling.”

Army

Trump declares fire stories ‘fake news’ after 82nd Airborne descends onto University of Notre Dame

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NOTRE DAME, Ind. — Students at the University of Notre Dame witnessed a spectacular display today as they looked up into the sky —thousands of paratroopers rained over the campus before securing the area for none other than the commander-in-chief, sources confirmed.

“Most of us just stopped in our tracks and stared,” said one student. “Were we being invaded? I dunno, the whole thing was surreal. Some people were freaking out.”

President Donald Trump ordered soldiers from the 82nd Airborne Division, a unit celebrated for its role in Normandy during World War II, to save the university after news stories of a blazing fire began to surface.

“I’m well aware of the difference between Notre Dame and the University of Notre Dame,” said Maj. Gen. James Mingus, 82nd Airborne Division commander. According to sources, Mingus and several other advisers attempted to articulate the difference between the burning iconic cathedral in France, and the university in America that still thinks it has relevance in football.

“Look, President Trump made it very clear that we were going to be jumping into one of the Notre Dames,” Mingus added. “Frankly, this option was better than the alternative.”

Shortly after troops gained control of the university, Trump arrived on Marine One to personally assess the situation. Fearing another 9/11-style attack was underway, Trump expressed shock after analysts reported there was no evidence of any fire prior to their arrival, according to sources.

“There are no fires at University of Notre Dame. Fake news strikes again! #NoFireNoCollusion,” Trump tweeted.

American forces have confirmed six Army ROTC cadets killed in action. They were mistaken for terrorists due to their inside-out uniform blouses, backwards hats, and rubber rifles — likely role playing as insurgents for cadet training before the real soldiers arrived, sources say.

University officials weren’t available for comment due to the massive influx of students seeking PTSD counseling.

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Navy

Crop-dusting ensign set for flight school

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Source: USDA

PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today.

Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors.

“I’ve been preparing for this my whole life,” Stinkfeld said as he sniffed the air. “From those clumsy days of crop-dropping in Ms. Stummerfurz’ third-grade class to winning the state ‘North by Northwest’ award as a high school junior, I’ve been dusting off home plate since I was in diapers. Now, I’m ready to throw caution to my recently-released wind and have a career in the U.S. Navy.”

Stinkfeld noted that he’s exploring various fleet aircraft options.

“I’m looking at rotary wing because of the awesome downdraft,” he said. “But I’m also considering the F-35 for its killer afterburner turbofan. I can really foul up an enemy’s day with that.”

Stinkfeld is also looking forward to getting his callsign.

“I bet it will be something cool like ‘Danger’ or ‘Snake,’” he said with an overconfidence normal reserved for newly-commissioned American heroes.

However, instructor pilots seemed certain that Stinkfeld will be forever known as ‘Beefwalk.’”

“Don’t quote us on that,” said one. “But it’s in the fart jar, so to speak.”

Stinkfeld was last seen arguing with the station commissary manager over adding more selections of asparagus, gummi bears and beans.

“It’s for everyone’s digestive health,” he said right before hustling up the baby food aisle for no apparent reason.

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Veteran insecure about not having USAA card at group lunch

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NORFOLK, Va. — A veteran found himself in an predicament when it came time to pay for his traditional wing combo after a group lunch break at the local Buffalo Wild Wings — he did not have a USAA card, sources confirmed today.

Navy veteran Phil Cohen watched in utter humiliation as coworker after coworker placed down USAA debit and credit cards to split the check.

“I was right about to flip out my Diner’s Club card when I just froze and realized I’m not part of the whole USAA club,” said Cohen. “There wasn’t enough cash in my wallet, so I had to go through several scenarios on how to handle the situation — pretend someone stole my wallet, go to the bathroom and never come back, or pour the rest of my beer on my head and plead insanity.”

Cohen began sweating profusely before sliding his card across the table, according to his co-workers.

“I thought to myself, ‘Why does he hate freedom?’ and ‘Doesn’t he know he can earn unlimited 1.5% cash back on every purchase?’ He’s probably been paying ATM fees this whole time!” said Tim Howell, a member of the USAA cult.

Other coworkers report Cohen probably could have asked for someone to spot him. However, it seemed like he was going to spontaneously combust.

“We all calmly asked him to join us in unison, to join the USAA clan, to pledge allegiance to savings and military friendly discounts. That seemed to make things worse,” said Jennie Aldrich, whose USAA face tattoo made it clear where her loyalty lies.

“They probably think I’m a Russian operative pretending to be American. What if they mention this during my next clearance interview? Am I going to have to start having lunch alone? I’m so sad,” Cohen said.

Cohen added that he has been using the General Car Insurance, that his bank is SunTrust Bank, and he has been investing through his cousin Steve who “has lots of stocks.”

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Marine Corps

Wait training added to Marine PFT

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QUANTICO, Va. — Headquarters Marine Corps will add wait training to the physical fitness test to reflect increased demands on the time of today’s Marines, sources confirmed today.

The test itself will feature a four-hour wait check, and the preparatory program will incorporate lengthy waits in multiple settings.

“We’ve found that Marines spend a significant portion of their day — in garrison, in the field, and on deployment — waiting around for something, and some of them are just not prepared,” said Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. “No hip-pocket classes ready to brief, nothing from my professional reading list and no PME homework. Hell, not even any hydration, tobacco or sunflower seeds.”

The revised training program will require Marines to wait in a classroom for 55 minutes before the instructor shows up. At the close of the classroom portion of the wait training, Marines will divide into groups and proceed to the base clinic, armory, consolidated issue facility and range. There they will participate in round-robin training consisting of sitting, kneeling or standing at each location for 75 minutes before a role player turns them away for lack of ID or appropriate attire. They will finish the training day by waiting on the word for 84 minutes.

As with any change the Corps has introduced in its storied history, there have been vocal objections from those who consider themselves “Old Corps.”

“Those millennials need training for everything. Real Marines already know how to wait. I’ve been waiting for my check-in sheet to be signed since ’89. Chesty would roll over in his …” said Master Gunnery Sgt. Jedediah Smith, before choking on the baseball-sized dip in his mouth.

Some have questioned the feasibility of incorporating so much extra training into the annual training requirements of a force that is continually preparing for war in Afghanistan, North Korea, China and Texas. However, the concerns have largely fallen on the deaf ears of leaders waiting around at DEERS.

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Army

Army targets horny teens with Pornhub recruiting ads

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FORT KNOX, Ky. — The Army has shifted strategy and is now focusing advertisements on the website Pornhub after missing their 2018 fiscal year recruiting goal by 6,500 recruits, sources confirmed today.

The ads, which promise “hot singles in your area,” ask potential recruits for identifying information before scheduling them for an appointment with a recruiter.

“We haven’t been talking to prospective recruits in a language they understand or in places they spend their time” said Col. Mike Riggins, head of US Army Recruiting Strategy. “Then, one day at work, I accidentally clicked on a link advertising local MILFs and accidentally input my personal data, credit card information and emailed the site several images of my junk. I realized that if I could unintentionally set up a robust profile during work hours on a government laptop, recruits could do the same at home.”

It’s a new and innovative way of addressing the problem and one that is paying big dividends. Since making the change, the Army has already exceeded its full year quota of recruiter appointments for 2019 and 2020. Also, unprompted, hundreds of applicants are sending in nudes, which recruiters are able to forward to MEPS as part of medical pre-screening.

As a result, the Army has begun officially referring to all recruiters as “hot singles” and has relabeled Army recruiting stations as either “Cougar Dens” or “Bone Zones.”

When asked if he’s received complaints from married recruiters over being classified as “singles,” Lt. Col. Jesse Gabriel of the newly re-flagged Chicago “Hammer-Dong” Battalion said, “No, honestly now that you mention it, it hasn’t really come up.”

The program is not without its downsides, however. Several tens of thousands of recruiters are currently under investigation for illegal acts related to the program.

“We have way too many recruiters who are allegedly screwing applicants,” said Gabriel. “And not screwing them in the traditional ‘enlist them as a fueler with no bonus and tell them they can probably get Airborne when they get to their unit’ sense. I’m talking about screwing them in the equally traditional ‘creep on applicants and try to have sex with them’ sense.”

The program is likely to continue in spite of issues and even expand as the Army has announced a partner program for the active force.

“It’s basically the Tinder app specifically for Soldiers except swiping right in our program connects the Soldier with a branch manager or retention NCO in the area who is definitely looking to f-them,” said Riggins.

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“The VA is doing a great job” finds joint study by prescription drug, alcohol industries

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WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs received high praise from a study commissioned by the pharmaceutical and alcohol industries published today.

“The VA is doing an exceptional job providing just the right level of care and shouldn’t change a thing,” according the study. The findings stands in direct opposition to earlier criticism from veterans, congress, and anyone else who has ever interacted with the VA for any reason.

The report cites as evidence the number of veterans not receiving care despite their experiences, injuries, or requests to receive care.

“These are heroes who have served their country honorably, so, obviously, if they really needed care, the VA would get it for them,” stated Pfizer spokesman Tom Schnettler. “The fact that so many don’t receive care clearly shows how good the VA is at determining they don’t need it.”

The report also outlines how effective the VA is at managing the delicate transition soldiers have to make from active duty — where trauma is managed via Motrin and beer — to veteran status where pain is managed with opioids and also beer.

The majority of negative sentiment about the VA comes from haters and losers who would rather troops do lame, commie stuff like yoga, according to the study.

“If these fine American’s want to enjoy powerful prescription meds, whiskey, and UFC pay-per-views at many times the national average, they’ve earned that right,” said alcohol executive Nickolas Plum.

The study notes all numbers are normalized to remove accounting for individuals who served but now smoke marijuana on occasion as they are snowflake traitors to the nation and not true veterans.

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Chelsea Manning comes out as cisgender, asks Trump for clemency

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ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Chelsea Manning has come out as a heterosexual man and is asking President Donald Trump for clemency, sources confirmed today.

Manning, who once orchestrated the largest intelligence breach in U.S. military history, is currently in federal custody for refusing to testify against WikiLeaks and the recently arrested Julian Assange.

“As we know, Chelsea is a tremendously courageous person,” said Manning’s lawyer Mena Finelli. “But right now, he is the only straight man in a jail full of women. Can you imagine? It’s unconscionable.”

Speaking at a rally in Lima, Ohio, Trump indicated he would not entertain Manning’s latest request.

“Only an idiot or a traitor would get involved with WikiLeaks. Trust me, I know,” the president told his supporters amid chats of “lock her up.” “And besides, Chelsea is locked up with a bunch of women. What is there to complain about?”

Meanwhile, the public reaction has been every bit as fluid as Manning’s gender.

Joshua Shleemi, a former pro-Manning activist, expressed doubts about Manning’s sincerity.

“We stood with Chelsea from the very start when she first betrayed her country,” he said. “But we never thought Chelsea would pull a stunt like this just to appeal to the president. She turned her back on us, her allies. Chelsea is a traitor! A gender traitor!”

The military community has expressed similar sentiments.

“That traitor doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice or selfless service,” said Michael Polk, who recently separated from the Marine Corps after failing a drug test during boot camp. “She never stood for anything, never risked anything for what she believed in.”

While it is anyone’s guess what trouble or gender will befall Chelsea Manning in the future, one thing is abundantly clear — everyone now agrees she is a traitor.

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Retired General Quixote warns of threat posed by windmills of mass destruction

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NEW MADRID, Mo. — Retired Lt. Gen. Donald Quixote urged the Pentagon not to underestimate the emerging new WMD threat — windmills of mass destruction, in a statement to reporters today.

Quixote thanked the president for bringing attention to the national security threat and expressed hope that the international community would condemn the blatant proliferation of windmill technology to nation states known to cause instability in their respective regions.

“Evidence of recent windmill construction in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria is incontrovertible,” Quixote said. “I myself have read the reports and seen the aerial surveillance. It’s clear that even North Korea has availed themselves of this dangerous technology.”

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry in a rare display of coherence urged caution in universally condemning windmill technology.

“People said I wasn’t quote unquote ‘qualified’ to be secretary of energy, but under my leadership, Texas became one of the world’s largest wind energy producers in the world. Are they suggestin’ there’s something wrong with Texas?”

After being assured that nobody in his vicinity cared about Texas, Perry clarified that he fully supports the president and that his remarks were being taken out of context.

“It is clear that detractors and doubters of the WMD threat know little of the true ways of the world,” added Quixote. “Our steadfast commitment to peace and global good shall prevail over evil, if only we continue to support leaders who have the stomach for it!”

NATO member states responded that they literally could not even.

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