THE PENTAGON — A thriving market of completely useless and laughably marketed schemes peddled by military spouses has exploded in military communities around the country this year, Pentagon sources said today.
According to Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook, get-rich-quick pyramid scams like “It Helps!” and “Blexxus,” once derided as “clearly bullshit” and “obvious Ponzi schemes,” have proliferated at an alarming rate.
“The sudden growth has been attributed to the efforts of spouses running wild on social media, empowered by erroneously claiming to be small business owners,” Cook said.
Service members around the Department of Defense have been complaining up the chain of command and on social media to vent their frustration. One junior Army Officer, seeking to remain anonymous, confided that the trend was getting out of control.
“My wife can’t attend a single family event without being swarmed by a pack of wives yammering away about how they lost 20 pounds by wrapping seaweed around their face and sucking down shakes that taste like Chapstick and ass,” the lieutenant said. “All my wife has to do is sign up and get 10 other idiots to sign up too. It’s all bullshit, but these hens move from one fad to the next so fast it’s hard to keep track and they are relentless.”
The Pentagon is moving to curb the spike in solicitation and consumption of ineffectual and annoying gimmicks in conjunction with other health initiatives for the military.
“The primary concern of the Department of Defense is the health and welfare of our service members and their families. However, we simply cannot stand by and allow the solicitation of unstable chemical cocktails risking the combat effectiveness of our soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines.” Said Cook. “That’s reserved for GNC.”
Unchecked, this black market of bizarre skin wraps and strange, glowing drinks which purport to contain magical healing properties, could soon completely supplant the entrenched monopoly of self-styled health and fitness chain GNC within PX’s and BX’s worldwide.
“We will not rest until we are free to harass and misinform service members regarding nutrition and exercise science, free from the existential threat of equally uninformed spouses,” said one GNC huckster.
Military spouses have been selling potions and snake oils at least as far back as the Civil War, when camp followers offered soldiers elixirs claiming to make them “Impervious to Cannon Shot and Musket Fire.”
But these modern franchises of spousal health products insist they are different. “I mean, I have personally lost 10 pounds of fat since Christmas,” said one entrepreneur. “And it’s not just dangerous fasting and crash dieting, like what those skanks from Alpha Company are selling.”