BURNS, Ore. — The small anti-government militia occupying a wildlife refuge building in Oregon has officially gotten so bored with the government’s tepid response and total lack of shock and/or awe that the members are now resorting to menial tasks such as filing paperwork to pass the time.
Ryan Bundy, a member of the militia, said that he really wishes his group had been mistaken for violent lunatics. “We were hoping to become martyrs on the battlefield of freedom, but instead we’re left here looking at piles of unfinished Wildlife Protection Applications,” Bundy told Duffel Blog. “Here we are, staring right into the eyes of the true evil of government: bureaucracy.”
People who are not really famous but do have access to Twitter accounts, such as Kevin M. Kruse, have been offering their own help in the form calling the group “terrorists.”
“We’re hoping that if we rally enough fear, we can get the whole militia wiped out as a human sacrifice for the furtherance of liberty,” Kruse said on Twitter. He declined to comment further, as he had already reached the character limit for a single post.
In the meantime, other y’all-Qaeda groups have rallied around the cause of occupying government buildings such as the VA, DMV, and Immigration Services. Because all of those government buildings have yet to see an employee return from the holiday break, not a single person has been held against his or her will, nor even found on-site.
Federal response to those Collation Forces has been equally dismissive, leading the rest of these would-be patriots to start taking serious action and processing the never-ending backlog of paperwork present.
At press time, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that the members of Yokel Haram would be held accountable in due time. “Just as soon as we submit the proper applications to the Department of Homeland Security, we can start the necessary background checks on the militia to determine our eligibility to file a formal complaint against those religious extremists and their holy yeehawd,” Earnest announced.
“It’s just that the website is down right now, and there’s already a waiting list. Stinking government, can’t do anything right.”