Jimmy’s Tavern — Two Army veterans with similar experiences in combat have been unable to top each other’s tales from Iraq and Afghanistan and now transitioned to stories of masturbation, sources confirmed.
“These two guys are regulars, and I usually ignore their B.S, but this time it was over the line,” said bartender Jimmy Montoya. “We had kids in the restaurant area and Mike is going on about cleaning jellyfish out of a shell casing that he turned into a hajji flesh-light. What the hell does that even mean?”
“Mike” is Army veteran Mike Conliffe, who like his friend Richard Turner, is an infantry staff sergeant with multiple deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan.
Sources confirmed that when Tanner realized that both he and Conliffe had participated in the same mortar barrages outside of Fallujah, he changed topics and asked his drinking partner if he’d ever jerked it with a mixture of Simple Green and urine.
Conliffe responded by saying he’d rubbed one out while standing in the hatch of a Bradley as the Prime Minister of Iraq’s motorcade drove by.
The few remaining witnesses too horrified to leave the bar reported that Tanner then displayed the scar on his head he received after passing out during auto-erotic asphyxiation using a reflective belt.
“Whatever. See this?” Conliffe reportedly said, while showing a two-inch burn on his scrotum from trying to electrocute his balls with a stripped down HMMVW slave-cable.
The men were arguing about the pros and cons of using an M-4 cleaning rod as a urethra stimulator when they were interrupted by another bar patron.
“You idiots are pathetic,” said retired Master Sgt. Erika Simpson. “Talk to me when you’ve turned the welding generator in your contact truck into a field-expedient Sybian. I came so hard the window to my CHU cracked. Fucking amateurs.”
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