ARLINGTON, Va. – A brawl erupted late Thursday between current members of the Old Guard and a group of Chosin Reservoir veterans gathered for their monthly remembrance of the Korean War battle, resulting in one broken hip, two cases of eye gouging and two chairs burned.
“We meet at the VFW next to Fort Myer once a month to reminisce about the 1st MARDIV,” said Gunnery Sgt. (ret.) James Beacon, a survivor of the 1950 battle in which his unit spent 17 days in subzero temperatures. “Obviously, we weren’t going to cancel for a candy ass little dusting of snow like Winter Storm Jonas.”
The group, according to Beacon, became agitated when they could hardly hear each other over a group of young NCOs from the Old Guard looking at pictures of themselves on social media.
“I tried turning up my hearing aide, but its from the VA,” Beacon said. “They were spouting all this nonsense about how his picture guarding the Tomb of the Unknowns had gone viral. I couldn’t even enjoy myself with all the boasting and bragging.”
According to sources, things got ugly when Otis Haverford, the youngest member of the group at a spry 84, couldn’t handle all the high-fiving and asked the Old Guard group if they knew what temperature blood freezes at.
“They’re a bunch of goddamn pussies with their mittens and their warming tents.” said Haverford. “They don’t even have to sleep out there.”
“Hand warmers?” added in Beacon. “You know what we used for hand warmers? The steaming corpses of dead commies.”
“I have a lot of respect for the sacrifice these gents made back in Korea,” said Staff Sgt. Brandon Hopkins, a current member of the Old Guard. “But dude had to do that like, once. I’ve been out there every fucking winter, in every fucking hurricane, for three years now. The gauntlet was thrown.”
As fists flew, a battle cry of “Winter is colder when there’s a horde of screaming Communists out for your Capitalist hide,” rang out over over the crowd.
The Chosin vets made a good showing in the brawl, but were ultimately distracted by a fellow VFW member who reminded them that they don’t like to drive after dark.
“They might understand an artillery barrage better than we do, but they don’t understand the constant pressure of social media,” Hopkins said, wiping a denture bitemark clean. “Today you’re a hero standing guard in a Hurricane, tomorrow you’re nothing.”
When asked for comment on the incident, a group of Battle of the Bulge veterans responded with “Nuts.”