NORFOLK, Va. — Weirdo Seaman Jacob Parke is on watch talking about how he can freeze time again, sources report.
Parke is spending the entire 1200 – 1700 watch on the quarterdeck of USS Ramage (DDG-61) explaining how he can stop time, making the waves go backwards, and turn invisible when no one is looking.
“First he started explaining how he was one of the eight people born with the soul earthstone or some shit,” Fire Controlman 1st Class Nancy Atler said. “He went on about how he’s found three others, when they find the rest their powers will ‘enhance.'”
“At least I think that’s what he said, I was trying to ignore him.”
Sources claim Parke got on the ship’s radio and began talking to the other watchstanders. He became upset when others laughed at him.
“Watkins asked if it was true I could shoot lightning from my hands,” Parke said. “Of course it’s true. He told me to shoot a fireball like I hadn’t told him I can’t just do it on command. Anyone could tell the conditions weren’t right.”
Parke spent the rest of the watch talking about what it’s like to be The Prophet of the Lost God to the sailor who wants to be a pirate. The two discussed how they could use their powers to rob cruise ships.
“I should’ve kept tighter radio discipline,” Atler said, “But there was nothing else to do. I already know everyone’s story about the fattest people they’ve fucked.”
At press time, The Prophet of the Lost God was spending his weekend shooting pool at a strip club.
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