KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — An Afghan bodyguard seems like “a real straight-shooter,” sources reported today, adding that the professional guardian’s steely-eyed, thousand-yard stare brings a tide of warmth and comfort to the officials he protects.

Khalil Rahmati, a Kandahar native, was recently appointed to the security detail of Lt. Gen. Omar Abboud, a critical figure in the stability of Kandahar province who is entrusted with safeguarding Afghan and U.S. interests against the Taliban. Rahmati is Kandahar’s local Top Shot champion and holds the national record for shooting the most targets in the back in a one-minute period.

“Allah, what blessings to have such an eagle-eyed warrior in my personal guard,” said Abboud, successor to Gen. Abdul Razeq.

Razeq, a highly-respected and effective commander, was assassinated by his own bodyguard on Thursday.

Rahmati’s U.S. counterparts have also lauded his professionalism and, in particular, his marksmanship abilities.

“He’s basically the perfect soldier,” said Lt. Gen. Austin Miller, who survived the insider attack that killed Razeq and a high-ranking intelligence officer.

“If he were in the [U.S.] Army, Rahmati would certainly promote to sergeant with marksmanship scores like his,” added Sgt. 1st Class Chad Henry, deployed with the 1st Security Force Assistance Brigade. “Now, does that mean that I trust him with my life?”

“Absolutely,” he said.

AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban insurgency, internationally known for waging a brutal nearly two decade war with the U.S., announced they would be suspending all combat operations until pop singer Ariana Grande got back together with recently separated boyfriend Pete Davidson, sources confirmed today

“I don’t know how we can be expected to work under these conditions. The grief is unbearable,” said Taliban fighter Mujeeb Jubair. “I could deal with the fighting and the death and with my friends being blown to bits by airstrikes, but I can’t deal with this heartbreak.”

The Taliban has only called for a small number of Hollywood breakup-related ceasefires in the past, the most recent following Brad Pitt’s divorce from Angelina Jolie in 2016.

“First Brangelina, and now this? I just need some time to get my head straight,” said Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada as he flipped through photos of the couple’s four month relationship on Instagram. “Those were the happiest four months of my life.”

Grande and Davidson reassured fans that they were splitting on good terms, leaving open the possibility of a future relationship and a return of hostilities in southwest Asia.

“I just want to let my fans know that, regardless of what happens between me and Pete, I still love them and think they should never stop waging unconventional warfare against the West,” tweeted Grande. “[Kiss emoji].”

At press time Akhundzada announced that, despite the lyrics to his favorite song saying otherwise, he did in fact have more tears left to cry.

The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of Lt. Gen. William Yarbrough (1912-2013), reprinted by Duffel Blog with permission from the Green Beret Association.

So here it was, June of 1998, and the Pentagon made the decision that they wanted all the Army Special Operations components under one unit umbrella. They had pretty much everything figured out except what to call the new parent command. So Eric [Shinseki], who was about to take over as chief of staff, called me up and asked me for ideas on a name.

Now, during Vietnam, Green Berets would be out doing things in the middle of nowhere, and they’d have absolutely no supplies to speak of.

Guys would be complaining that they had to do their business out there in the jungle but didn’t have anything to wipe with. The team commanders would be constantly telling people “use a sock.” Or when guys would need to take care of themselves, if you know what I mean, but there was no tissue paper handy? “Use a sock.”

Seriously, socks were easier to get than toilet paper. I still don’t know why. Guys within the Special Forces community started saying “use a sock” for literally everything. It got to the point where it almost became an institutional joke motto, sort of like “Wagner loves the cock” for the Marines.

So now here it is, I’d been retired for almost thirty years, when out of the blue I get a phone call from Eric, and he asks me to come up with an idea for a name for this new major command.

Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Use a sock.” It was just an offhand joke. I never meant for him to take it seriously. But he ran with it, and sure enough, a year and a half later, there he is, announcing the formation of USASOC (U.S. Army Special Operations Command).

I never had the heart to tell him. He’d probably be really embarrassed.

HELMAND PROVINCE, AFGHANISTAN — The United Nations has awarded its prestigious Public Service Award to the Taliban Shadow Government of Helmand Province to commemorate their widespread, successful efforts to root out corruption since re-assuming control of the province in 2015.

“Although the United Nations is a cabal of apostates and dogs,” a Taliban spokesman said in a statement. “Even infidels may sometimes applaud our application of the principles of Shariah as uncompromising and heroic.”

He added that the decapitated heads of former corrupt government officials have been placed on display on pikes around the province to “maintain our momentum in this effort to ensure good governance for all the Afghan people.”

Recent surveys conducted by the Asia Foundation discovered that Helmand is the least corrupt province in Afghanistan by far. Only 2% of Afghans living in Helmand reported paying a bribe in the last year, compared to more than 60% of Afghans across the country. The Taliban have achieved this through what the UN press release termed its “uncompromising application of traditional justice principles, which are suited to local cultural conditions.”

The US government’s Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction recently identified Helmand as a “rare success story” in Afghanistan, although US and Afghan government forces abandoned the province three years ago.

Tadamichi Yamamoto, the head of the UN Assistance Mission in Afghanistan, said this represents a great step forward for the people of Helmand.

“Just 10 years ago, this province was a humanitarian disaster area,” he told assembled reporters haling from as far away as Iran, Pakistan and Norway at a press conference. “Girls studying in schools were being massacred. Local tribal leaders were shamelessly stealing international aid as it flowed in. Now there are no girls schools and no one is really sending any aid to steal. Depending on how you read those numbers, its really an overall net plus.”

The UN Public Service Award is an annual award that showcases the institutional contribution made by public servants to enhance the role, professionalism, image and visibility of the public service. As part of the award, the Taliban will receive a cash award of $300,000 to support local development projects. A spokesman said they will use the money to build a new stadium to hold executions in, and if there is any money left over, to buy goats.

ERBIL, Kurdistan Region – ISIS soldier Ibraheem Lakdim has uploaded a video to his YouTube channel about ‘stolen martyrdom’ from the cab of a truck that was wired with 250 lbs of explosives, sources confirmed today.

“What up, everybody? It’s your boy, BreadnButtah69. I’m sitting here waiting for them to finish wiring my truck up, so I thought I’d holler at you for a minute about stolen martyrdom,” Lakdim said in the opening seconds of the video.

“I know a lotta ya’ll have opinions on this issue, but hear me out,” he added before launching into a 15 minute monologue with digressions on why liberal Muslims are whiny, which brand of hummus was complicit in a media war on Ramadan, and why flat brim turbans should be banned under Sharia law.

In one portion, Lakdim took issue with notions of free speech, which he says have been used in defense of stolen martyrdom.

“The thing of it is, they talk about free speech,” he said. “Oh, free speech this, free speech that, like they should be allowed to just walk around talking about how they blew up six infidels in 2014 or whatever. But, you know what? I’m about to blow myself up right now. I’m not out here talking about it,” he said, according to a transcript of the video, which now has over 2 million views.

Commenters on Lakdim’s page were overwhelmingly supportive. Even famed ISIS YouTuber PaRaD1cEAwAiTz, with whom Lakdim had a brief spat earlier this year over competing claims about which man’s beard is longer, chimed in, commenting, “grow a pair shitbird fakes ,,, we earned it with blood. i did 10 years ,,, blew myself up 3 times ,,, i dont talk about it cuz theres no need ,,,,, real martyrs know[.]”

This was not Lakdim’s first brush with internet celebrity. In 2015, The New York Times reported on Lakdim’s YouTube channel after his audition for the WWE went viral. According to the article, Lakdim broke his leg when he jumped from a roof wearing a barbed wire hijab onto another man who was laying on a table. The video was viewed over 11 million times.

Videos about stolen martyrdom are part of a larger global trend of soldiers and veterans venting their frustrations on YouTube, according to Pentagon researcher Laurie Postrel.

“Oh, this is a classic example of a trend we’ve been trying to contain in the West for years,” she said. “Some idiot sits in the cab of a truck and just starts repeating conservative talking points about whatever culture-war issue is in the news cycle at the moment. We’ve long feared that terrorists would start emulating it because it’s cheap and effective. I mean, amazingly, people really do watch this crap.”

Later that day, it was reported that four Iraqi soldiers had posted selfies taken with Lakdim after he was detained at a checkpoint in eastern Kurdistan, where his explosives failed to detonate.

OKINAWA, Japan — In the wake of the much heralded success of the new pizza MRE, the Department of Defense has decided to produce a fresh-from-the-sea sushi meal with a shelf-life of three years.

The sushi meal will include a California roll packed with Almost Real Crab, rice crackers, sour plums, and tofu cookies. The condiment pouch will include soy sauce, imitation wasabi and green tea powder.

“We thought this move would really highlight the talents of our Asian and Pacific Islander service members,” said Pentagon spokesman John Sellers, while wearing a ninja costume and Hawaiian shirt. “The troops are gonna love it!”

Distribution will begin at bases in the Asia-Pacific theater for service members who want to enjoy the local cuisine while out in the field. But reactions to the announcement were mixed.

“Dude, I am stationed in Korea. They HATE Japanese stuff here, and the cartons have pics of Mt. Fuji and the Japanese flag on them. The MREs will never even make it through customs,” said Army Sgt. Ron West.

“Wow, I can’t wait to spend the night in the sweltering jungles of Okinawa and eat fish that has been sitting in a hot shipping container for a month,” said Marine Gunnery Sgt. Christine Worthington. “Maybe I can wash it down with a lukewarm cup of reconstituted milk tea.”

At press time, production was held up by a lingering odor problem with the packaging but that is expected to be resolved with the arrival of a pallet of miniature Febreeze cans.

Duffel Blog writer W.T. Door contributed to this article.

PYONGYANG — A Trump Tower has opened in Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, in what is being hailed as a breakthrough after a historic meeting between President Donald Trump and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un.

It is the first Western hotel to open in the secretive country, which is often called the “Hermit Kingdom.”

“You know, they tell me this is the finest hotel in, literally, all of Asia. You can’t beat it. And it serves the most delicious tacos,” Trump told reporters. “Highly recommended for journalists when they go to cover the denuclearization of North Korea!”

Kim, who was standing next to Trump, said nothing and smiled.

The new franchise was rapidly constructed inside the existing Ryugyong Hotel, a massive 1,000-foot tall glass pyramid that sits in the heart of Pyongyang. The hotel was empty until recently, although it has been under construction for more than thirty years. Foreigners nicknamed the empty building the “Hotel of Doom.”

Sources say Trump has had his eyes on the building since construction originally started in 1987. “Donald heard these Koreans were building a hotel that was going to be the seventh tallest building in the world,” one of Trump’s friends from the 1980s, who also worked in real estate, said. “And then someone told him that, you know, Kim Il-sung, the North Korean leader, slept on a bed of women. Maybe you’ve heard this, he used a bunch of naked women as a mattress. Specially selected from all across the country. Every tin-pot dictator has a pleasure brigade or two but, this was something else. And ever since then I think the Donald has always wanted to break in to the North Korean market.”

The Trump Organization, however, had no assets in Korea until recently. After Chinese President Xi Jinping met Chairman Kim in person for the first time in March, Chinese investors provided seed capital and assistance getting government approval for the new Pyongyang franchise. It was approved and built in record time.

At press time, the White House did not respond to a request for further comment, although South Korean President Moon Jae-in applauded the move and said he looked forward to eating tacos with Chairman Kim. Meanwhile, The Trump Organization declared that the new Trump Tower Pyongyang would be “the finest mixed-use real-estate venture in the world,” according to a written statement. “It will be a hotel, apartments, even a burger joint. You can’t wait.”

WASHINGTON — Although there have been questions over whether an upcoming summit between the top leaders of the United States and North Korea would take place, officials from both countries say their meeting in Singapore will go forward as long as McDonald’s brings back the McRib sandwich, sources confirmed today.

“The McRib essentially represents the flavors of both nations — a beacon of hope,” said Army Maj. Trevor Senseman, a ‘Korea expert’ who hid on the peninsula for several years hooking up with Korean girls and trying to avoid a deployment to Afghanistan.

“It’s the perfect symbol of harmony when you think about it. Grilled ribs, or galbi, is a favorite Korean dish, and nothing is more American than barbecue sauce.”

Rumors about joint interest in the sandwich emerged after Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met North Korean leader Kim Jogn-un earlier this year in Pyongyang. In a classified conversation that leaked just like everything else in this administration, Pompeo was rumored to have been laying out steps both leaders could take to ensure a relaunch of the delectable McDonald’s dish.

Critics note, however, that it would mean Trump was conspiring with a North Korean dictator.

“This collusion is an absolute outrage,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), the House Minority Leader with known ties to Burger King. “If two world leaders are scripting threats to strong-arm the release of a sandwich inferior to the BK Rodeo Burger, they ought to be impeached.”

A McDonald’s spokesperson refused to confirm or deny whether or not they were engaged in official discussions to bring back the McRib, but assured reporters that they remain committed to satisfying their customers all around the world, preferably in an atmosphere relatively free from nuclear fallout.