FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Capt. Jimmy Russell, a judge advocate with the 82nd Airborne Division, has been discharged from service after showing up late and intoxicated for his bar examination for the third consecutive time.
Russell blames the amount of pressure placed on officers to perform well.
“I was worried that the test proctor would smell the whiskey on my breath from last night,” Russell said. “So when I saw my local watering hole, The Alibi, I had to stop and take the edge off. I couldn’t just drive right on by.”
Alibi bartender Marcia Clark confirmed Russell’s story. “He was obviously already intoxicated when he arrived,” Clark told reporters. “I wasn’t going to serve him, but he argued his case so well.”
Maj. Gen. Thomas Ayres clarified Russell’s shortcomings. “Russell was actually allowed to take the test, but he was too inebriated to score a passing grade in the time he left for himself,” Ayres stated between sips of Scotch. “We are truly ashamed of his behavior. In my day, we showed up drunk and passed the test, every time.”
Although Russell was not caught driving drunk, prosecutors have considered charging him anyway. “I can tell you, as an attorney, there’s no way that would hold up in court. At least, I think so,” said Russell. “But if it did, the punishments would be pretty chill, if I remember correctly.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.