RAQQA, Syria — The latest ISIS video to surface warns of an attack on Puppy Bowl XII.
The grainy video posted to terrorist chatrooms shows a masked militant pressing a machete against the neck of a young stray dog, warning the US of an attack on the popular, adorable annual event. A copy of the video posted to YouTube has been removed “because fuck those guys,” according to a spokesman for the video streaming service.
“Bring your soldiers and Marines to fight us here in our homeland. Or else Puppy Bowl will move from Animal Planet to the History Channel!” said the covered man with a muffled English accent.
The unknown fighter, clearly a cat person, continues, “The key to winning is to attack your enemy’s vulnerabilities. We have discovered through our own intelligence sources that puppies apparently strike a deep chord with Americans and Westerners at large. To us, this dog here is dinner tonight, whether or not the US complies with our demands. But after the surprising outrage we witnessed throughout the US after Cecil the Lion was murdered, we started to connect the dots.”
US government officials have confirmed the authenticity of the video and are working in concert with Animal Planet to ensure the upcoming Puppy Bowl will be heavily guarded by federal, state and local animal control agents. Security has also been raised at the Panda House at the National Zoo, as well as places where baby ducks have been known to congregate, as officials believe this may be a prelude to a more general attack on cuteness.
Agents assigned to protect the Puppy Bowl are warning attendees that additional screening may be necessary, including requiring suspicious persons to watch hilarious videos of puppies just being so gosh-darned lovable.