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Man Who Found ‘ISIS Hunter’ Shirt Unable to Find Recruiting Station


TUCSON, Ariz. — Local man Clint Smith, 29, was able to find, purchase, and wear a T-shirt indicating his desire to hunt members of the Islamic State as a profession, but has so far been unable to find the recruiter’s station which would allow him to do just that, sources say.

An acquaintance of Smith’s says the man has long been vocally supportive of a violent conflict with the Islamic State, going so far as to suggest we should “be over there right now, boots on the ground, stacking bodies.” But it wasn’t until recently that Smith doubled down on his stance with the appearance of his “ISIS Hunter” T-shirt.

“I just wish one of them ISIS shitheads would do something here,” Smith said. “I’d do anything for the chance to shoot one of those fuckers.”

Smith might in fact have the opportunity to shoot a member of the Islamic State were he simply to volunteer as a member of the United States armed forces.

Driving through the south of side of Tucson, presumably hunting members of the international terrorist organization that has conquered parts of Syria and Iraq, Smith keeps a vigilant watch.

Emblazoned upon the rear windshield of his truck are dozens of decals displaying a variety of military hardware which Smith would have access to, should he only locate one of the 36 military recruiting stations located within three miles of his residence and place of business.

“I’m locked and loaded, at all times,” Smith says, motioning towards a loaded M9 Beretta worn on his belt. His M9 pistol is the exact same kind as those worn by members of the United States Army Special Operations Forces currently engaged in ground combat with ISIS. “But those pussies wouldn’t dare.”

Unbeknownst to Mr. Smith, he is literally a few yards from the confines of Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, home to many thousands of American service members who have taken part or will soon participate in the shooting war Smith desires.

Despite personally knowing five individuals who have managed to join the American military, Smith inexplicably remains a civilian.

Sources familiar with Mr. Smith say the “ISIS Hunter” shirt remains the closest he has come to military service, surpassing even that time he “almost went Special Forces.”

At press time, Smith was finishing a profanity-laced Facebook status update about turning Iran, Gabby Giffords, and the Oscars into a “sheet of glass.”

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  1. Again, satire comes oh so close to the truth. If they
    aren’t driving big trucks, they are riding Harley Davidsons.
    Wearing denim, with a big beer gut, and covered in tattoos.

    • Lucky for me I had already turned 30 when I joined. I would have been disappointed to be turned away.

  2. Recruiters are not longer roaming town with a “stupid stick”? Mine hit me as I was walking into a post office to take the civil service test, next thing I knew I had skipped it for the ASVAB and was waiting in line at MEPS to get sworn-in.

  3. For less than a dollar a day you can help boys like Clint find a warm and welcoming recruiter. For just pennies you can make sure that Clint and others like him find homes on active duty. Won’t you give now?

    • A drag to the recruiting center and a taser to light up the contract for such civvies are far cheaper. Hell, I still have a couple of spools of 500 cord from before I retired and I’m sure my wife will loan me her taser, just to be rid of these cheese balls.
      They could the the MOS that they’re totally fit for, zero target.

      Hmm, methinks that their parody is superior to mine. Oh well, guess I get to keep the day job.
      Just as well, I know it pays better than the Duffle Blog. 😛

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