CAMP PENDLETON, CA — Sources at 3rd Battalion 1st Marine Regiment (3/1) confirmed reports that Pfc. Alex Leddy delivered a record-breaking 12 pound, 8 ounce MRE food baby at 5:43AM this morning on Range K2.
“Pfc. Leddy is expected to make a full recovery following a difficult labor, which was triggered by eating a packet of coffee grounds while smoking a Marlboro Red at the end of a month-long field op,” said Sgt. Maj. J. Melendez, 3/1 Regiment Sergeant Major.
Though he admits being proud of a 3/1 Marine holding the record, Melendez claims Marines coming from the schoolhouse aren’t educated on conception, often resulting in carelessness.
According to the Journal of Military Science, MRE food babies can form when Jalepeno Cheese Spread mixes with Pan Coated Chocolate Discs to create a plug. The plug then forms an incubator for both Mexican Style Chicken and Beef Stews.
“Rat-fucking has serious consequences,” said Hospital Corpsman 2nd Class Joe Espinosa, Bravo Company’s corpsman. “And most of the time these guys aren’t even on the pill. I’d recommend Phillips brand stool softener, by the way.”
Espinoza is being credited with the successful delivery after assisting Leddy with Lamaze-style breathing techniques and performing an emergency episiotomy. Witnesses say he went the extra mile by allowing Leddy to cut the cord, believed to be a twisted strand of Slim Jims.
“I was hoping for a natural toilet-water birth back at the barracks, and I’m a little bummed Doc ripped my taint, but now I just feel relief and joy,”said a proud Leddy over the phone from Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton. “From first glance you could tell my little guy loved Mixed Nuts and Toasted Corn Kernels, just like his dad.”
Leddy will be returning to full duty after a thirty-day convalescent paturdity leave.
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