WASHINGTON — Officials at the Pentagon breathed a collective sigh of relief this week after receiving word that the tankers damaged Thursday in the Gulf of Oman were actually accidental collisions with US Navy warships.

According to reports from 7th Fleet, both tankers were damaged nearly simultaneously by the USS Boxer (LHD 4) and the USS John P. Murtha (LPD 26) in completely unrelated yet fortuitous acts of gross negligence.

“We are happy to announce that reports of Iranian attacks on oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman were merely incompetence and dereliction of duty on the part of the U.S. Navy and not the harbinger of future wars to come,” said 7th Fleet commander Vice Adm. Phillip G. Sawyer.

While a win for US foreign policy, it is a major blow for the the U.S. Navy, who have been grasping at relevancy since the cancellation of 70’s sitcom “CPO Sharkey.” Everyone at the Department of the Navy, including key defense strategy analysts, had been working at a fever pitch determining the implication of Thursday’s attacks on inter-state strategic competition.

“We can take solace in the fact that they are already back to providing in-depth analysis of the battles in Game of Thrones,” said Sawyer.

Iran’s U.N. Mission also praised the announcement, calling it the most positive diplomatic action on behalf of the United States military since Iran’s seizure of two US riverine command boats in 2016.

“I commend the officers of the U.S. warships for not ‘giving up the ship’ this time,” the Iranian mission said in a statement. “Instead, they chose to errantly ram that ship into an oil tanker.”

“So brave.”

An investigation into both incidents remains ongoing, but the same senior Navy officials who appoint and ham-handedly relieve officers found guilty of misconduct are confident that the findings will result in sweeping changes to how the Navy shifts blame in future incidents.

“Disciplining only senior officers is not consistent with other branches of the military, who usually vilify more junior personnel first,” said Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson. “I will ensure the results change that behavior in the future.”

WASHINGTON — Marines across the active and reserve force have sent letters and homemade cards to former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis for Father’s Day, sources confirmed today.

Officials confirmed they became aware of the card writing activity within the ranks when an unusual number of requests came in for construction paper, glitter glue, and puff paint from Marines worldwide.

Pentagon spokesman Daniel Hazelrig confirmed the DoD was both aware and supportive of the cards and characterized them as “absolutely heartbreaking.”

“The cards are cute but it really makes you feel for these young Marines,” said Hazelrig. “So many messages asking if it’s their fault, what they did wrong, and promising to be more lethal if Mattis will just come home. It really tugs at your heartstrings.”

Mattis resigned from his post in December of 2018 in a move which Pentagon officials at the time characterized as a “trial separation” and which Mattis explained to the Marine Corps as, “running out for a pack of smokes.”

Since then the retired general has moved out to California, rented an apartment and is currently spending a disconcerting amount of time hanging out with college students while claiming to be “living [his] best life.”

Members of the Corps explain that while they enjoy having two Christmases, it isn’t the same without Mattis around and affirmed their reluctance to call Acting Secretary Shanahan “Dad,” despite repeated requests from the president.

Units initiated the card writing campaign after a plot to have Mattis and the Pentagon both visit the border wall with Mexico and initiate something called “Operation Parent Trap” fell through.

Meanwhile, defense officials plan to allow the Marine Corps to spend the weekend sleeping over at the retired general’s home.

“Last time we were there he let us stay up late and watch Die Hard which was pretty awesome,” said one junior Marine.

According to one official, if the troops are good, Mattis intends to allow them to watch a VHS of Conan the Barbarian before bed which, multiple sources confirm, “totally has boobs in it.”

WASHINGTON – Pentagon officials fired a senior bureaucrat after he accidentally made a decision, breaking decades of tradition and spurring fears that the building may become more efficient, sources confirmed today.

Donald Witherspoon, a Senior Executive Service (SES) civilian on the Army staff, began working at the Pentagon after he retired as a colonel weeks before he was supposed to deploy for the first time.

Sources say Witherspoon began his day like any other: by crying in the shower, screaming “you are a man” at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, and donning an ill-fitting suit before driving to work. Little did he know, his role in the Pentagon was about to come to an end.

The incident occurred when Witherspoon returned from a meeting and mistook a staff action packet for a coloring book. After keeping mostly within the lines, he was so pleased with himself that he signed the document and handed it to his executive officer. The unwitting bureaucrat became the first SES since 1952 to make a decision in the Pentagon.

“So many processes had to fail for this to happen,” said Witherspoon’s executive officer, Col. Stephen Newell.  “This system is designed to delay decisions indefinitely … or at least spread risk among dozens of generals and SES’s so that no single leader can be held accountable.” After this revelation, blood trickled from Newell’s nose and he collapsed.

Dr. Jonathan Northfield, a Pentagon mathematician, was less surprised by the incident.

“It was a statistical eventuality … like the infinite monkey theorem,” said Northfield, referring to the theory where a monkey randomly hitting keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually churn out Shakespeare’s complete works. “Witherspoon was the monkey who accidentally wrote King Lear.”

A consulting firm has already offered Witherspoon a position to sit quietly at meetings and alternate facial expressions between a vacant smile and a concerned scowl for double his current salary.

The following is a point/counterpoint discussion about the use of artificial intelligence (AI), machine learning, and robots in future large scale ground combat. The point will be presented by an Army officer writing an article for an online military journal. The counterpoint will be presented by the same officer while his computer’s operating system, software suite, and the Pentagon Joint Service Provider thwart his attempt to write the article.

Point: Future combat will be lightning fast, violent, and lethal, requiring leaders to rely on artificial intelligence and machine learning to process massive amounts of intelligence and make decisions rapidly.

Counterpoint: [Smart card error. The smart card was not recognized. Please check that the card is inserted correctly and fits tightly] “Jesus … Alright, I’ll put the card back in juuuuust right for you. I hate this computer.”

Point: Near-peer adversaries will contest our forces in all domains, from mission receipt to crossing the line of departure. Our information and cyber warriors will be able to respond to threats in real time.

Counterpoint: [slams mouse down] “I just LOVE typing my pin number in six times when I open anything.”

Point: Soldiers at the squad level will have zettabytes of information at their fingertips. They will maneuver dispersed, alone and unafraid, massing synchronized effects on target with assured communications.

Counterpoint: [Please select a cert.] “Am I supposed to use my authentication cert or my email cert to log in? “[No valid certificates found.] “Fan-fucking-tastic, why would I want to be able to access the shared drive?”

Point: In order to impose multiple dilemmas on our adversary and minimize risk to U.S. forces, we will use artificially intelligent robots.

Counterpoint: [Microsoft Office Word is not responding. If you close the program, you might lose information] “Ummm.” [Clicks “wait for the program to respond”]

Point: These unmanned systems will coordinate attacks autonomously, based on the commander’s vision and intent, and destroy everything in their path.

Counterpoint: [:( your PC ran into a problem and needs to restart. We’re just collecting some error info, and then we’ll restart for you] “Wait, what the fuck? No, no, no. I haven’t saved in like …  two hours. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!”

Point: By employing task-based artificial intelligence, these systems will also improve our ability to distinguish legitimate targets from harmless civilians. They will minimize civilian casualties while maximizing lethality.

Counterpoint: [Smart card error. The smart card was not recognized. Please check that the card is inserted correctly and fits tightly] “DAMN YOU JOINT SERVICE PROVIDER! I PRAY TO GOD I SEE ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE HALLWAY!!!”

Duffel Blog reporters 29ReasonsWhy and Veishnoriets contributed to this article.

WASHINGTON—Every year, millions of Americans gather on the last Monday in May to drink, barbecue, socialize, and remember the fallen. But we all have that one friend who we know would be an unwelcome addition to the party. Nobody wants to invite him, but his potato salad is just so good that we have to.

That’s what happened when we heard that “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh was being released from prison. We didn’t want to invite him to our Memorial Day party, but his homemade potato salad is so fucking delicious that we didn’t have a choice.

Sure, Lindh’s stint with the Taliban in 2001 and experience in al-Qaeda training camps will make for some awkward conversation at our backyard barbecue. But holy shit if it isn’t worth it for a couple scoops of his signature side dish.

You might think after 17 years in federal prison that Lindh’s culinary skills would have atrophied. I can tell you with certainty, however, that they have not. Most people put too much mayonnaise in their potato salad and are overly conservative with the vinegar and paprika. Lindh, on the other hand, goes light on the mayo and all in on the vinegar and spices.

Now that’s the way a potato salad should be made.

Our party guests might have their own opinions about the Taliban or supporting terrorist organizations. But we know they’ll be able to put their prejudices aside, if only for one day, once they taste John Walker Lindh’s delectable potato salad.

WASHINGTON — Recognizing that overthrowing the terror-sponsoring Iranian government requires a whole-of-Trump approach, the defense and White House officials recently convened a secret interagency planning team at the Pentagon, sources confirmed today.

Its goal: to plan a soup-to-koloocheh ground invasion of the intractable Persian country. But the meeting was quickly dubbed a “community of disinterest,” according to sources. While over 50 high-level West Wing appointees were present, other Departments — including the host — sent low-level staffers or even term hires nearing the end of their appointments. Defense was reportedly represented by a single procurement specialist recently hired from the civilian sector. And State sent a cleaning crew that had finished its work early.

“There was just no interest,” said a banking policy analyst from Treasury.

Homeland Security, however, did send a decision maker: senior executive Michelle Daenerys, who is head of Enforcement and Removal Policy. However, Daenerys told reporters that she wouldn’t be back and that she expects to be named Secretary in a few days.

“Given the never-ending Game of Fools that goes on at DHS,” she said, “I need to brush up on scorched-earth policies so I can fix this migrant thing down there on the border between Colorado and Mexico.”

The Pentagon meeting reportedly adjourned without mission analysis being conducted or courses of action developed. Sources said that even a coffee fund set up for the meeting received only thirty-five cents, a found CAC card and a USAID pin in contributions.

A source reported that the Mustache of John Bolton was seen brushing furiously against the faces of attendees and hissing, “Kill! Kill!” When questioned by media, Mustache said that cremating Persians in a vicious ground war is the best way to win the hearts and minds of the Iranian diaspora.

“They’d rather be dead than suffer under the mullatolahs,” it said. “Unlike me. I avoid death like when I avoided Vietnam.”

“Molon Labe is not just a beer brand to me,” it continued unprompted, while combing itself. “It’s also a way of life and death. And I intend to make sure that today’s draftees — err, service members don’t have to suffer the guilt of avoiding death via some badly-conceived White House strategy.”

Finally, Mustache said that regime overthrow will help it achieve its long-term strategic goal: validating that its life was worth something after all.

PENTAGON — Long rumored tensions came to a head as the CH-47 Chinook Helicopter confronted the U.S. Army after discovering suggestive text messages on the Army’s phone, sources confirmed today.

The Chinook referenced an exchange that included a Snapchat video of the CH-53 Super Stallion (a name experts believe is clearly overcompensating for something) loading 55 troops internally and taking a 36,000 pound load. The Army claimed it can’t help what gets sent to their public account and that the Chinook should be flattered that other aircraft are so interested.

While the Army characterized the texts and several direct messages as non-committal and “just seeing what else is out there,” the Chinook expressed disbelief. It appears the Army engaged in detailed conversations with multiple different aircraft and allegedly solicited pictures of several with their ramp down.

“After all I’ve done, after 57 years, you’re going to try to run off with some skinny little skank who is barely off the assembly line?” the Chinook reportedly shouted during an exchange in a Pentagon hallway.

“Do you want me to go seats out? Is that it? Or maybe just fly around doors off like one of your little sluts?” it added.

The Army attempted to explain itself and suggested the Chinook was overreacting.

“Why do you get like this? You’re so paranoid,” the Army said. “The Osprey is already with the Marines. We met on a joint exercise. We’re just friends.”

This isn’t the first time the Army and the Chinook have had trouble in their relationship. The Army got pretty serious with the UH-60 Blackhawk in the ’90s and was ready to end it with the Chinook entirely, according to multiple friends close to the situation. That was until they had a new war together and things settled down.

The whole situation apparently resurfaced after someone mentioned to the Army that it had been in Afghanistan for over 17 years. The Army later stated over beers that it loves Afghanistan but is worried about losing its identity, according to friends.

“Like, what if I want to travel still? Check out Asia? I feel like Russia has been eyeing me since forever, but we were never ready to make a move at the same time,” the Army allegedly stated. “Plus, the Osprey said it can do fixed wing and rotary wing. I’ve never had a bi-functional aircraft, and I feel like that’s something I could totally get into.”

Further statements by the Army now seem to indicate they and the Chinook are “on a break” despite evidence that Chinooks are still carrying the Army’s troops both at home and abroad.

The Chinook was reportedly seen on the flight line binging on ice cream and blasting Beyoncé’s “Lemonade” album while fielding questions from the CH-46 fleet about whether the split is their fault and who they will live with now.

WASHINGTON – A study released today found that officers who purchased non-valor Bronze Star license plates for their vehicles were 98% less likely to have left a forward operating base, or FOB, during a deployment than officers who did not purchase the plates.

The Pentagon spent two months and roughly $17 billion on the study, which was originally intended to determine why some officers were colossal douchebags while others were only slightly less so. A clear pattern emerged, according to the study’s researchers.

“They were all fobbits,” said Lt. Col. Matthew Hill, the study’s manager. “The handful of officers who had left the wire did so either accidentally or purely against their will. In one instance, an officer got lost and wandered onto an MRAP after salsa night. He was fine but the other folks in the S-6 shop never heard the end of it. They’re the real heroes.”

Established during World War II, the Bronze Star Medal was awarded for merit or heroism while engaged against an enemy of the United States. Today, the non-valor version of the medal is a rite-of-passage award for officers and senior non-commissioned officers who complete a deployment without losing property, sleeping with a subordinate or murdering someone.

The study findings shocked some officers, but many soldiers and non-commissioned officers seemed unfazed.

“I think the license plates are great,” said Spc. Robert Larson. “They let me know which officers are most likely to cross the street for a salute or scream at me for their own failures.”

Researchers claim there were other findings, such as the correlation between having the license plates and driving like an asshole, though they say it will take years and “much, much more money” to unpack all of the data.