CAMP PENDLETON, CA — The designated smoking area for 3rd Assault Amphibian Battalion got a makeover this weekend as part of MTV’s new series “Pimp My Smoke Pit.” The show’s host, rapper Xzibit, was on hand for the big reveal and gave Marines a tour of the upgrades as cameras filmed.
“Yo dawgs, I heard your amtracs mascot is a gator so we put four actual alligators down here,” said Xzibit, leading them down the new smoke pit entryway resembling an amtracs ramp. “I’d recommend staying up on these huge Skoal-can tables that are each filled with one hundred pounds of Wintergreen Long Cut.”
Marines scrambled onto the tables and Xzibit motioned to the vaulted brass roof with large neon chem-lights spelling out YAT-YAS (You Ain’t Tracks, You Ain’t Shit), 150 decibel sub-woofers and Huey rotor blades hanging from it.
“Yo, I heard you guys like music and smoking cigs so this will keep the place bumpin’ and ventilated. Put your ear and eye pro on before I flip the switch!”
A 75 mph wind began to blow as bass from the speakers gave several Marines nose bleeds. After flipping the switch back to the off position, Xzibit referenced the .50-caliber machine gun mounted on a nearby wall.
“Brat-tat-tat-tat! Nah, just playin’,” he said. “It’s actually tricked out to be a lighter for your smokes. Have a battle buddy pull the trigger and a huge flame shoots out the barrel. Speaking of smokes, check out what our friends at Marlboro did for you.”
He showed them a vending machine shaped like a massive Marlboro cigarette full of real Marlboro cigarettes. In a more somber moment Xzibit explained the memorial wall created behind it.
“Real talk, our sponsors created this for you guys from their hearts. It lists all the names of the Tracks men who’ve lost their lives along with a message in real gold filigree. ‘Sit and remember them, with a Marlboro!’”
After showing the Marines their new 45 foot barbecue grill made of old LTV tracks, Xzibit led them to the last addition to the “pimped” pit: a locked up conex box with one small opening.
“Yo dawgs, that’s where Terminal Lance cartoonist Maximillian Uriarte is living from now on and he’ll draw you whatever you want, whenever you want,” the rapper said. “Just shout your request in the window!”
Uriarte held the bars on the window looking dazed as Marines cheered, and the commanding general of Camp Pendleton, Brig. Gen. E. D. Banta, stepped in to wrap up the episode.
“I must admit, I love the new smoke pit,” Banta said. “This is way over-the-top and not sustainable or logical in any way. So it’s the perfect introduction to our foreign policy for these young men. It’s like they have their own little quagmire to deal with now. Oorah and thank you, MTV.”