MOVIE REVIEW. Director William Kaufman follows up his smash hit The Marine 4: Moving Target with Jarhead 3: Benghazi, a testosterone fueled, action packed thrill ride, and a powerful study of the personal development of a complex character. The film takes an admirable place in the franchise about how boring being a Marine is.
The movie opens with Marine Todd standing watch over the American Embassy in Middle East. Marine Todd is a true American high school quarterback who grew up on a farm in Iowa and dated the prom queen but she died of cancer so Marine Todd could have a tragic backstory.
Marine Todd is on high alert because the embassy security budget had been cut by wussy liberals. Suddenly the embassy comes under attack by Taliban Al Qaedas! Marine Todd shot them all dead with a single bullet and went to comfort the American journalist who’s scared because he’s a gluten free pussy.
The embassy is attacked by another wave of the Communist ISIS. They blow open the embassy gate with an explosive made out of Allahs and Marine Todd decides the most American thing to do is retreat into the safe room so none of his friends will be hurt. Marine Todd cares about his friends and they spend five minutes discussing their unshakable bonds forged in combat.
The Marines and all Americans are safe so Marine Todd starts lecturing the NSA agent that they shouldn’t spy on American citizens. The NSA agent says he was forced to by orders from Obummer.
Marine Todd’s phone rings. It’s Major Lincoln, the same character who was a major in the first Jarhead set 26 years earlier.
“We’re all safe here, Major,” Marine Todd says.
“No you’re not,” Major Lincoln replies. “Some of the attackers are atheist professors! They’ll get on the intercom and say there is no God.”
Marine Todd flies into a rage because God is real and atheist liberals are more like libtards so Marine Todd grabs a bunch of guns from the armory and goes outside shooting all the professor terrorists. The terrorists shoot back but God stops the bullets because he protects good people like Marine Todd. Marine Todd jumps into a Humvee and drives it while shooting the gun on top which he can do because he’s Marine Todd and all the liberal professors died because Jesus Christ is God.
When the dust settles Marine Todd sees a woman in a burqa cowering in the street. “I’m not going to hurt you,” Marine Todd says to her. She takes off her burqa and underneath she’s really hot and has perky tits. Marine Todd tells her all about America and freedom. She marries Marine Todd on the spot because she’s not a loser feminist.
The credits roll. Marine Todd’s full name? Albert Einstein Marine Todd.
The Duffel Blog gives Jarhead 3 50 stars of American freedom.
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