THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is mandating remedial sexting training for its flag officers following a rash of media reports on sexual misconduct across the military services, according to sources close to Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter.
The sources say this improper conduct has been a persistent problem, and Carter is frustrated that his prior efforts to institute ethics training have proven unsuccessful.
“These guys are clearly going to continue getting caught,” Pentagon Spokesman Peter Cook said, “so now we’re just trying to make their incriminating emails a little less embarrassing.”
“We need ‘reasonable doubt.’”
DoD is opening the Strategic Sexual Communications Center of Excellence, a schoolhouse to train generals to approach females in a less cringe-worthy way.
“These so-called ‘flag officers’ clearly don’t understand women’s’ needs,” Center director Jennifer Grayson explained. “I’ll teach them to stop sending dick picks and awkwardly describing their pasty physiques.
“We want to get them to work on emotional seduction instead.”
Classes began last week and the first students are already making progress, sources report.
“Honestly I was expecting to see a bunch of tits here,” Army Gen. Johnny Nichols confessed. “No dice, but I have learned a lot. You should never send emoticons, and you’re supposed to tell women they’re ‘beautiful’ or ‘cute’ instead of ‘very fuckable’ in that dress.”
By the end of the class, the students will regain access to Snapchat® and Tinder®, provided they pass a PT test.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.