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DOD requires remedial sexting classes for Generals, Admirals

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THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense is mandating remedial sexting training for its flag officers following a rash of media reports on sexual misconduct across the military services, according to sources close to Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter.

The sources say this improper conduct has been a persistent problem, and Carter is frustrated that his prior efforts to institute ethics training have proven unsuccessful.

“These guys are clearly going to continue getting caught,” Pentagon Spokesman Peter Cook said, “so now we’re just trying to make their incriminating emails a little less embarrassing.”

“We need ‘reasonable doubt.’”

DoD is opening the Strategic Sexual Communications Center of Excellence, a schoolhouse to train generals to approach females in a less cringe-worthy way.

“These so-called ‘flag officers’ clearly don’t understand women’s’ needs,” Center director Jennifer Grayson explained. “I’ll teach them to stop sending dick picks and awkwardly describing their pasty physiques.

“We want to get them to work on emotional seduction instead.”

Classes began last week and the first students are already making progress, sources report.

“Honestly I was expecting to see a bunch of tits here,” Army Gen. Johnny Nichols confessed. “No dice, but I have learned a lot. You should never send emoticons, and you’re supposed to tell women they’re ‘beautiful’ or ‘cute’ instead of ‘very fuckable’ in that dress.”

By the end of the class, the students will regain access to Snapchat® and Tinder®, provided they pass a PT test.

News

Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial

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WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

  • All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
  • Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
  • Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
  • Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
  • Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

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Marine Corps

Troops ask to live with Mattis after divorce is finalized

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WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today.

Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the cancellation of vacation plans in Syria, the president’s decision to send some of the kids to border school in October, and his well-known Diet Coke drinking problem.

“I love daddy Mattis more than anything in the entire world,” said Army Spc. Nick Kester. “He reads a book to me every night, while Trump isn’t even there at bedtime.”

Although some argue Trump has been “great with the kids” and truly cares about their welfare, a number of sources have come forward to allege the president has abused the troops he supposedly loves on a number of occasions.

Sources say Trump has not once visited them while they were away at The University of Iraq and Afghanistan. Some even believe he has been cheating on their dad with National Security Advisor John Bolton, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, or Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Troops were also angered by his erratic behavior and tendency to teach them far different life lessons than their favored parent.

“Mattis makes us do pushups and wants our family to be more lethal,” said Marine Lt. Philip Allison. “Meanwhile, when I asked Trump whether he’d like to throw the nuclear football around, he said, ‘oh sure, kid, just give me a few minutes,’ and then never came out.”

“Last time I talked with him all he kept telling me was how I was an idiot for paying anything over a 4% tax rate,” Allison added.

The couple heads to family court on Jan. 1, 2019, where a judge is expected to divide their $2.7 trillion in assets and set up a custody arrangement many believe will favor Mattis, who plans to visit with the kids often, teach them about the bullets and the bees, and put them through college on the GI Bill.

“I absolutely plan to bring up his use of community property to buy this stupid border wall that he found on Amazon,” Mattis said.

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Mattis appointed Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — James Mattis may have resigned from his position as the nation’s secretary of Defense on Thursday, but he won’t be out of work long.

Following his abrupt departure as President Donald Trump’s most experienced and knowledgeable foreign policy adviser, the former Marine Corps general announced today that he will be taking a role with the “Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future” (GPPF) organization, as the Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars.

“I am excited to join the civilian workforce and continue to help our country prosper,” Mattis said. “For years, I have had a knack for keeping people up at night, and I think this is the perfect opportunity to really utilize that skill set.“

Mattis’ responsibilities will include haunting past and present cabinet members, pushing them to second guess any and all erratic, nonsensical and highly questionable foreign policy decisions, as well as advising future presidential candidates on how to actually improve international relations and military strategy, rather than destroying it.

“Jim will do an excellent job serving in this role, as he’s been haunting people both in real life and in their dreams, for many, many years,” said Ebeneezer Scrooge, a GPPF spokesman. “It’s alarming to me they would even let that kind of experience walk away. He’s got more brains than anybody in the White House.”

The GPPF’s prior work has mainly involved nostalgic, covert Christmas-related operations over the years, but the organization is planning to shift their focus to a more “diplomatic approach” in 2019.

“Obviously the Christmas season is a big time of year for our organization, and we excited to have Jim come on board and help us move in this new direction,” Scrooge said. “After the mess that has gone on the last week, it’s clear somebody has got to actually step up and make this country great again.”

Following his departure from the White House in February, Mattis will be sworn in as the fourth-ever Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars, following the likes of other generational military leaders like Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld, and the esteemed Winston Churchill.

Scrooge could barely contain his excitement when talking about his new co-worker.

“He seemed pretty excited about working with competent leadership again,” said Scrooge. “He said meetings with his last boss were ‘beyond infuriating,’ whatever that is supposed to mean. I didn’t press him on the issue. Honestly, the guy scares the shit out of me.”

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Marine Corps

Mattis looking forward to ‘peaceful retirement’ spent firing Minigun out door of Huey

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THE PENTAGON — After news broke that he would be resigning from his post in February 2019, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters he was looking forward to spending a “peaceful retirement” firing a GAU-17 Minigun out the door of a UH-1 Huey helicopter.

“Yup, I can’t wait to kick back with a relaxing 3 or 4 thousand rounds per minute every morning before PT,” said Mattis. “Much better than this boring bullshit here in D.C.”

Mattis served a storied career as a Marine general before moving into his role as Secretary of Defense, and sources within the Pentagon said that he still managed to fire a few hundred rounds every day at lunchtime “just to let off some steam.”

“Jim would regularly hump an 81mm mortar tube around the halls of the Pentagon because he said the weight helped keep his back aligned,” said Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford.

“And he loved challenging all those little Air Force nerds to ground-fighting matches in the courtyard during his coffee break. They were always scared shitless.”

While he was admittedly emotional that he’d be leaving the military world behind after a nearly 50-year career, Mattis says he has plans to start a second career in the agricultural industry.

“Now that I’m retiring, I’ll finally have time to get out to the countryside and tend to my flock of A-10 Warthogs,” said Mattis. “Such serene and beautiful creatures.”

Danger Close contributed reporting.

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News

US quietly builds helipad on roof of embassy in Afghanistan

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Photo of average embassy in Kabul, Yemen or Saigon. (Source: State Dept.)

KABUL — The U.S. military has quietly built a helipad on the roof of its embassy in Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.

The pad was recently completed with no announcement made by either the State Department or the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, which is scheduled to be the future tenant of the embassy in Nov. 2019 (It wasn’t clear whether the Emirate would occupy two or every single floor of the building, sources said).

Black & Tuber, an industrial services corporation headquartered in Islamabad, won the contract for the project, which required a helicopter landing pad that could handle the weight of hundreds of helicopter landings and thousands of terrified refugees. It completed in record time compared to others recently built in Yemen, South Sudan and Ukraine, officials said.

“They worked on it 24/7,” said one Marine Security Guard. “We had to escort the contractors around the clock, plus guard the suicide bomb vests we made them take off before each shift.”

When asked about the helipad by Duffel Blog, Ambassador John Bass claimed that it was a regularly-scheduled project.

“I wouldn’t read too much into that,” Bass said while taking a break from packing his suitcase. “We’ll continue to muddle along for decades into the future.”

The ambassador also noted improvements to the embassy such as a helipad were part of a long-running upgrade program. “For example,” he said, “we’ve recently purchased a pallet of ‘go bags’ for the staff to use on vacation, plus 20 stair climber workout machines. So there’s nothing to speak to here.”

The U.S. commitment to the troubled country’s internal security has been widely discussed among statesmen, defense leaders, and lance corporals masturbating in guard shacks long before incoming Central Command leader Lt. Gen. Kenneth McKenzie, Jr., told Congress that he doesn’t know how long it’s going to take until Afghan forces can defend their own country.

“McKenzie is basically saying that we’ll be there until the first Pakistan-supplied T-80 tank smashes through the front gate,” said Henry Kissinger, a former Secretary of State and 1980s-era disco party animal. “After that, it’s hells bells for the roof.”

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Air Force

North Pole warns of pilot shortage as reindeer leave for commercial sleighlines

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SANTA’S WORKSHOP — The North Pole is in the midst of a readiness crisis as it struggles to fill its pilot ranks with qualified reindeer, who are leaving the service in record numbers to work at commercial sleighlines, sources confirmed today.

Santa Claus claims he has only 75 percent of the deerpower he needs to deliver presents this year, especially in crucial heavy lift squadrons.

“This is truly alarming. There is no way I’ll be able to deliver presents to all the good girls and boys, let alone coal to all the naughty ones,” said Claus. “The reindeer we do have are being worked to the antler, flying three or four gumdrop sorties a day.”

Santa is offering hefty incentive bonuses to keep reindeer from leaving for more lucrative jobs at commercial sleighlines like Hoofthansa. But even offers of triple helpings of moss and herbs are not enough to keep them in the service. Unless he can fix the retention problem soon, Santa says he might have to cancel Christmas across large swaths of North and South America.

“We’re trying to do more with less, but the fact is that’s impossible,” said Lt. Col. Rudolph, commander of Red Squadron. “With this Op Tempo, my guys already refuse to fly over Detroit and Chicago. It’s just too dangerous.”

The average reindeer costs about $1 million and takes 3 years to train, according to North Pole figures. The North Pole needs to keep those ruminants in its ranks past their initial commitment to maximize return on its investment.

“Not only are large numbers of reindeer getting out, our best reindeer are getting out,” said Rudolph. “Donner and Blitzen dropped papers last week, and Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen all took private jobs at Doeing testing unmanned sleighs.”

While Claus increasingly has been filling the ranks with unmanned aerial sleighs (UASs), turnover among the elves who pilot them has also been an issue.

“These UAS pilots are always on the clock, delivering presents to hundreds of houses an hour from thousands of miles away,” he said. “Nobody can handle that much Christmas cheer. Nobody.”

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Air Force

Space Force now soliciting uniform concepts from industry

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Two months ago, President Donald Trump announced the creation of a new branch of military service within the Department of Defense, the U.S. Space Force. A recently released Pentagon report revealed that, almost immediately after the President’s announcement, a Pentagon official named Mr. James Fortran deployed to various locations within the U.S. in an attempt to find an answer to the question that what was cited as “the Space Force’s most significant hurdle in its long road to activation:”

“What will the uniforms look like?”

The report details that Fortran was first sent to California to meet with interested uniform suppliers. Bored by extraordinarily simple suggestions like “let’s make human exosuits with built-in jetpacks” or cost-effective, nonsensical ideas such as “just keep the same design as the rest of the military, you idiot,” Fortran decided to head to the San Francisco Comic Con event for inspiration.

The images featured above represent a portion of Fortran’s portfolio, which he submitted to the Pentagon at the conclusion of his trip. Published transcripts from his presentation cite him as commenting that “they’re perfect… look at how eccentric, robust, and forward-thinking these designs are! When Americans think of space marines, this is what they will picture in their minds.”

Fortran’s portfolio also mentions a meeting with Bungie, the creators of the Halo gaming universe. Details from this meeting were unfortunately classified, but Fortran was cited as stating that the meeting went “very, very well” and that the ensuing discussion was “very, very promising” in the presentation’s transcripts.

Fortran has returned to the Pentagon, where a series of meetings are currently underway to evaluate his findings. The Pentagon declined to comment on any specifics relating to the consideration of Fortran’s uniform findings. However, inside sources revealed that Captain Charles Bunkley of the United States Navy, who led the introduction of the blue type 1 working uniform made to have sailors blend in with the ocean, suggested a black uniform imprinted with various constellations, nebulas, and galaxies. It appears as if this idea is also being seriously considered.

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News

Pentagon buys F-35 with unpaid GI Bill benefits

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WASHINGTON — The Pentagon is getting one extra F-35 this year, thanks to the Department of Veterans Affairs screwing thousands of veterans out of GI Bill benefits.

Lord pounced on the lost funds after VA officials told Congressional staffers that underpaid benefits would not be reconciled. Fixing the payment issue would require the VA to audit potentially millions of past claims, which is just too much work. For now, it seems the VA will simply uphold the time-honored tradition of fucking veterans while publicly promising to stop fucking veterans.

“Lethality is the Department’s top priority,” said Ellen M. Lord, under secretary of defense for acquisition and sustainment. “We are one step closer to achieving it thanks to all you soon-to-be homeless and degree-less student vets. Thank you for service and your housing allowance.”

The withheld money was slated for repurposing to the Booz Allen Hamilton IT contract responsible for implementing the glitch-filled payment system, but Lord managed to re-appropriate it to Lockheed Martin instead.

When asked about the impact to current veterans, Lord demurred.

“It’s a terrible situation, for sure, but we’re in the business of creating veterans, not sending them to Columbia University,” she said. “And just look at all those F-35 capabilities. It even has pockets!”

Unfortunately, just enough student veterans received at least partial payment, so the Pentagon can only afford an F-35 Lightning I½. A spokeswoman for Lockheed Martin confirmed that the purchase still counted toward Lord’s loyalty rewards punch card. The Pentagon needs to purchase 94 more Joint Strike Fighters before the defense contracting behemoth throws in free cockpit cup holders.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert Wilkie shocked his department with a promise that every last dime would be repaid — no easy task as the Pentagon already cashed the check.

“Good luck with that, Bob,” said Lord, “but for now, mama’s gettin’ her F-35.”

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