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‘Millennials are lazy freeloaders,’ says nation whose longest wars fought by Millennials


WASHINGTON — Amidst a dizzying array of highly divisive issues in the 2016 presidential election, Americans have found an issue on which there is overwhelming agreement: those born in the Millennial generation remain “lazy pieces of shit looking for handouts,” despite a combined total of 28 years of continuous war in Iraq and Afghanistan being fought on the ground almost exclusively by volunteer Millennials.

The consensus that all Millennials are “weak, useless kids with art degrees” has has emerged in the wake of a Gallup poll showing that well over half of Millennials approve of “some form of socialism.”

“These Millennials are out of control,” said local father Brian Hardy. “I don’t care that the overwhelming majority of the 2.5 million American veterans of these wars were born after 1980. First they voted for Obummer, twice, and now these geriatric Communists. The man and the lesbian.”

“I mean, no way I was gonna volunteer for Vietnam when I was their age, but that was totally different,” Hardy said, “at least we eventually left that shithole.”

Many Americans of the“Gen X” and “Baby Boomer” generations fondly recall their early 20’s, attending college without crippling debt or easily finding a job in the most robust economy in human history, made possible by the blood and sacrifice of their parents and grandparents of the “Greatest Generation.”

But despite lingering effects of the 2008 Great Recession, spiraling tuition costs, and a hemorrhaging of manufacturing jobs overseas making comparisons with previous generations difficult, Rick Thomas, a middle aged American, remains unconvinced, arguing the younger generation are simply “lazy-ass dipshits addicted to iPhones and Bieber.”

Since the start of the Global War on Terror, 100 percent of the soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coast Guardsmen have served on a completely voluntary basis, reportedly including hundreds of thousands of Millennials. That would make Millennials the first generation in American history to volunteer en masse for what is so far a never-ending war.

“Yeah? Well they still fucking text a lot,” Thomas said.

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