WASHINGTON – The U.S. Navy officer charged with espionage and suspected of supplying national secrets to China and Taiwan has confessed to doing so in exchange for a Dave & Buster’s Power Card, Pentagon officials announced today.
Lt. Cmdr. Edward Lin, a naturalized U.S. citizen, was born in Taiwan and moved to America when he was 14 years old, eventually becoming a signals intelligence officer working aboard reconnaissance aircraft.
“When I was just a boy, one of my schoolmates had a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese’s,” Lin reportedly told investigators. “It was the best day of my life. But even at that age, I knew I would never be able to go back once I got older, because that would just make me super lame.”
Lin, whose struggle to become a U.S. citizen investigators say was predicated upon the intention to betray the very same nation, admitted that his actions also served to benefit a more selfish, ulterior purpose.
“When I discovered I could relive the joys of a recreational gaming center for children as a grown man, I made it my sole mission to one day go to Dave & Buster’s,” said Lin, with a twinkle in his eye.
Dave & Buster’s, a sports-bar-themed chain catering to both adults and the whole family, offers a Power Card rewards program for use with the various arcade games available at each establishment.
“It’s great!” cried Lin. “I never had to carry around tokens, and who even has quarters in their pockets these days? Change is such a pain, am I right?”
Indeed, the management at Lin’s local Dave & Buster’s in Virginia Beach concurs, stating that while “[Dave & Buster’s] does not condone any acts of spying, treason or the intentional divulgence of secret documents, nor the deliberate communication of secret material with the intent to cause direct or indirect harm to the United States of America, the Dave & Buster’s Power Card reward program is a fun and convenient way to make the most of your experience at your local Dave & Buster’s.”
Lin, currently detained at the Naval Consolidated Brig Chesapeake, Va., was asked if he felt it was worth it.
“Definitely,” he said, with absolute conviction.
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