MOSCOW — Russian officials have released what critics are calling a better “director’s cut” of the conversation between a Russian Spetsnaz soldier and his commander in which the soldier intentionally called an airstrike on himself to destroy nearby ISIS fighters.
“We receive much criticism that first draft seem fake,” says transcript author Rasputin Karenin. “At request of Tsar Putin, we review American propaganda masterpiece like American Sniper, Zero Dark Thirty, and OxiClean infomercial. We realize we had, as capitalist say, ‘undersold’ ourselves.”
Col. Vasili Pushkin, the commander who authorized the actual airstrike, appreciates the Kremlin having his character represented better in the updated transcript.
“Originally they make me sound like idiot robot, which is problem with, how you say, ‘pathos,’” Pushkin commented. “Now I courageously reinforce comrade, attempting to save him while slaying thousand of enemies.”
“We also honor memory of fallen comrade,” added Karenin. “We have new scene where Prokhorenko defeats ISIS leader with bare hands before calling airstrike. Audience find whole thing more believable now.”
American film director Michael Bay has spoken out against the modified transcript. “This kind of historical tampering is unacceptable,” he claimed while re-editing his vaguely probable film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi.
“It’s idealistic and patriotic, but they didn’t even depict the dramatic explosions at the end or add huge ISIS robot battles. They also let their main character die, leaving no room for sequels. What a bunch of novices.”