THE PENTAGON — Army Chief of Staff Mark Milley is mandating SHARP training for the Pentagon Press Corps after their heavy coverage of newly-confirmed Army Secretary Eric Fanning’s sexual orientation this week.
“Is it not 2016, or did I pound too much vodka with the Russkies last night?” Milley asked a group of reporters. “Grow the fuck up. Besides, let me stress that a gay man will understand the infantry and cav-scout communities better than anyone else in the world.”
Pentagon spokesman Peter Cook backed up Milley by wheeling out a cart of past op-eds and news articles attacking the Army for intolerance and immaturity toward different sexual orientations.
“Pot, kettle, motherfuckers,” Cook said.
Meanwhile soldiers have expressed their support, or general indifference, towards Secretary Fanning.
“Who cares what he does on the weekends?” Sgt. Maj. Jason Lee told Duffel Blog. “I just wanna know if he’ll tackle the big issues like updating our PT test and changing our beret colors again.”
Pvt. Jasper Smith, of Jonesboro, Ark., was more sympathetic.
“Dang! Congress was pretty gay for holding up the Secretary for a year. They shoulda treated Dakota Fanning’s dad better than that.”