THE PENTAGON – The Department of Defense on Monday announced a $1.3 million contract to equip all staff officers at or above battalion level with wristwatched-sized SitBit inactivity trackers.
“After hearing that the Air Force was experimenting with FitBits for their enlisted troops to help keep activity levels up and fight obesity, we began researching more military uses of the product,” said Defense Acquisitions Agency spokesman Col. Kevin Durant.
“We started with Majors and above as a test group since they sell their equipment on eBay less often than junior personnel,” Durant said. “What we found was that most of those guys and gals were in staff positions and they never moved. Ever.”
Maj. Francis Cho, a Corps-level staff officer, confirms the finding.
“Oh yeah. If you’re not not sitting you’re not working.” said Cho. “We learned right away that if we had a high step count on the FitBit we weren’t going to top block.”
The new SitBit can not only measure inactivity, it can also be set to buzz five minutes into unit PT. “Once the soldiers see you at PT, it’s time to leave and starting working,” Cho confirmed. “’Sorry, it’s the Boss!’”
A different device, the ClickBit, measured work performance for staff officers based on number of mouse clicks. It was discontinued after several test models were “delegated” to E4s to click constantly to “up metrics.”
DoD plans to expand the program to the new SunBit for intelligence specialists next fall, which will monitor sunlight exposure for SCIF workers.
“It’s fucktarded, because everyone knows that when you work in a SCIF you never see sunlight,” said Spc. Matt Hanson. “And because we have to lock them in PED boxes during working hours.”
“That’ll be great for my little white mushrooms,” said Cho, looking up from a deck of 212 slides. “Now I can ensure that they’re working the O&I updates without having to leave this chair.”