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Navy posthumously awards Chris Kyle medals he said he earned


WASHINGTON — In light of revelations that Navy SEAL Chris Kyle may have embellished his count of awards, the Navy has posthumously given him all the medals he claimed to have but had not previously earned.

Navy spokesman Capt. Mark Clemens said that the discrepancy, one Silver Star and two Bronze Stars for valor, was the Navy’s own fault.

“We knew there were differences in our numbers, but we failed to fix Navy records to reflect Kyle’s narrative,” says Clemens. “This time around we even gave him an extra few medals, just to make him humble in retrospect.”

In addition, the Navy has also revived the non-existent practice of confirming kills in order to verify Kyle’s claims. The Navy’s actions have triggered a national movement to correct the record of unverified claims made by Kyle.

Among other things, a federal judge has reversed the libel ruling in favor of Jesse Ventura, and Texas Rangers have generated official police reports detailing Kyle’s killing of two carjackers in 2009.

Bradley Cooper even joined the effort by filming footage to bolster the story of Chris Kyle supposedly shooting looters from on top of the Superdome during Hurricane Katrina.

“I’m just a guy pretending to be a better guy who pretended to be a better man than he was,” said Cooper in his fake southern accent. “Or whatever.”

Many veterans reacted with anger at the revelation that reporters would be looking into Kyle’s military record.

“Listen, buddy. I saw the documentary American Sniper and it’s 100% true,” said retired Spc. Robby Clear. “He’s a goddamn hero and that’s it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to report a soldier I saw yesterday claiming a Bronze Star he didn’t earn to the folks at the Stolen Valor Facebook page.”

Meanwhile, Kyle’s legacy continues to grow, as he has also been awarded an honorary Doctorate in Foreign Policy and class valedictorian of his high school, class of 1992.

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  1. LOL! HAHAHAHahahahahahaaaa… it’s funny cuz it’s true! (Hero worshiping civilian turd: “OH no! My heroes are all fakers, first Luttrell, now Kyle! What to do now… everything Hollywood taught me about the military was fake!”)

    Happy Memorial Day! and don’t just Thank a veteran, volunteer at your local VA or some vet outfit. But most importantly vet your Vet! LOL!

  2. Do you have to actually have PTSD to write for Duffelblog? I mean, is that required or something?

  3. I’m glad someone is calling out our community on this bullshit. Also: I liked the Tropic Thunder reference.

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