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Report: Openly gay Secretary of the Army does job


THE PENTAGON – According to internal memoranda and spot reporting, personnel at every level of the Pentagon are reeling in shock as the new Secretary of the Army, Eric Fanning, is currently doing his job.

This comes in the wake of hushed criticism at the naming of the first openly gay Secretary of the Army, which was seen by many as a dangerous and risky political move by Obama to set a tone of acceptance at the highest echelons of military leadership.

While reporting is still scattered at best, rumors are circulating that Fanning, despite being gay, may be sitting at his desk, answering emails, and talking to other people on the phone. One classified email, erroneously sent via Yahoo mail, even explained that Fanning might even be executing his statutory responsibilities, including matters of personnel, installations, and weapon systems in a manner that is not at all indicative of his sexual orientation.

“It’s incredible,” said Gen. Mark Milley, the current Chief of Staff of the Army. “The guy came in, took the outgoing briefing from McHugh and his team, and then walked into his office and sat down just like a straight guy. And you should read this proposal on how to defeat ISIS. You would think it was written by Hugh Hefner. Or someone else not gay.”

Critics of Fanning aren’t fooled by the fact that a homosexual man could simply begin doing a job. Glenn Reynolds, a University of Tennessee professor who cited the nomination as a “distraction” from the fact that the US was “losing a war,” responded to the fact a gay man was doing his job with derision.

“It’s clear that Obama doesn’t take the leadership of our military seriously,” Reynolds said. “Pandering to homosexuals is clearly the only reason to install a Secretary of the Army who has merely served as the deputy undersecretary and deputy chief management officer for the Department of the Navy, deputy director of the Commission on the Prevention of Weapons of Mass Destruction Proliferation and Terrorism, undersecretary of the Air Force, and the acting U.S. secretary of the Air Force. His experience is in being gay, not doing a job.”

Regardless, despite his sexual orientation, Fanning seems absolutely determined to surprise everyone by doing his job. Since being installed in office, there have been almost zero incidents of Fanning’s job not being done.

“There was this one time when he went to pee and took maybe a little too long,” Milley said. “But we’re not sure if we’re going to count that against him yet.”

When asked if he thought Fanning’s sexual orientation might result in inappropriate relationships in the office, Milley seemed unconcerned.

“What do we look like?” he asked. “The CIA?”

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  1. Actually Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was a good approach. It’s one thing for a REMF, it’s entirely another if you are in an Infantry unit that has to share a common shower etc. And the only thing I have heard about this guys “qualifications” is that he is gay. Let me guess; he’s never been in the military, never been in combat, but, he’s gay…..

  2. Buwahahaa! Beautiful.
    Really goes to show how stupid this “don’t ask, don’t tell” crap really was.

  3. Is it me or did the beginning of the story sound a little dufflebloggish. This was just another political liberal stunt by this Administration. I don’t care if he was gay, I don’t care if was straight.. it didn’t matter if I knew or didn’t know… don’t ask don’t tell worked fine.

    • The problem with DADT was that while it supposedly only made it a violation to ask about or to speak about one’s sexual orientation, in reality, it was not really any different from the ‘no homos’ policy that had always existed. It didn’t matter if a gay troop never told anyone that they were gay, since they could be outed by others and then involuntarily separated for that reason.

  4. Sounds peachy. Just so long as he doesn’t star showing up for ‘shortarm’ inspections. Howeber, there have probably been others of his preference doing those before.

  5. Bwahahah….when satire is hard to distinguish from reality; priceless. It’s increasingly getting difficult to choose between crotch or butt when shuffling past seated folks in the Pentagon during meetings…..

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