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Pentagon kills defense reporter after toddler falls into press enclosure

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Members of the national press and the military are in shock today after a small child fell into the Pentagon’s press enclosure and officials were forced to shoot and kill a 35-year old reporter to protect the child.

Witnesses said the boy, aged four and whose name is being withheld, was part of a routine tour group visiting the Pentagon when the group entered the Press Briefing Room. Apparently the child was overheard saying, “Mommy, I want to talk to the reporters,” and bounded up onto the podium before anyone could stop him.

Shocking video taken by the Defense Media Activity and displayed on The Pentagon Channel showed the child immediately hit with questions about progress in Operation Inherent Resolve and upcoming naval operations in the South China Sea. Alert Pentagon media personnel quickly announced a catered press conference by Gen. Joe Dunford in an adjacent room, and all but one of the reporters were lured away from the boy.

Unfortunately the correspondent from the Air Force Times, Army Times, Marine Corps Times, and Navy Times instead chose to confront the child and refused to let him leave. Footage shows the journalist became agitated by a growing crowd and began demanding the boy produce a detailed plan for the Marine Corps’ gender integration efforts.

As the crying boy desperately tried to find any relevant metrics or graphics to fend off the reporter, members of the Pentagon Force Protection Agency suddenly stormed the room and shot the reporter dead.

“Obviously this was a drastic response,” said Pentagon security director Steven Calvary. “Normally we would attempt to distract the reporter by telling them their publication had just been acquired by a Silicon Valley billionaire and their newsroom was being downsized again.”

“However, we should remember that a full-grown reporter can easily weigh up to 270 pounds and has hands capable of crushing small paperclips and pencils. I don’t really see that we had any other choice.”

The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has demanded the Pentagon explain why an endangered group of defense reporters could be easily accessed by a small child. Defense officials privately said the Pentagon press corps is one of their most popular tour attractions and they had even been planning to breed the reporter in question with several female reporters.

The child was later released from the Dilorenzo Health Clinic with minor injuries, but was still responding to media inquiries by referring them to Secretary Carter’s remarks of the previous day or shouting for press secretary Peter Cook.

Pentagon officials publicly praised their security officials for their quick response, but remained vague on why they also chose to gas the rest of the press corps as a “routine precaution.”

See also: I Will Always Remember Where I Was When Cecil The Lion Was Killed

News

Pentagon swear jar funds entire border wall after one week

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WASHINGTON – Pentagon leaders started a swear jar to defray potential losses after President Donald Trump declared a national emergency to fund parts of a wall on the U.S. border with Mexico and donations have far exceeded projections, sources confirmed today.

What began as a way to prevent cutting military construction projects quickly turned into a revenue stream for the Pentagon.

“We figured we would raise enough money to keep the lights on in the building or, at best, buy another fifth-generation fighter,” said acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan. “We had no idea we could fund the entire border wall, rid military housing of black mold, and pay for the two new carriers we approved last month.”

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley was the first to contribute to the jar. Milley was heard mumbling a stream of obscenities under his breath when he sharted after bending over to pick up a tootsie roll that fell out of his pocket. Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson was quick to follow when aides heard him swearing like a sailor during a joint staff meeting after someone mentioned “Multi-Domain Operations.”

“The Navy has a proud history of cursing,” said Richardson as he slipped a twenty-dollar bill into the three-story jar. “We practically made it a fucking sport over the past 243 years.”

Perhaps the greatest contributor to the cause was Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller who eventually set up a direct allotment from his paycheck to the swear jar. Neller has not used a sentence without profanity since finding out he will not be the next chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, according to sources.

Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein could not be reached for comment but sources confirm he put a few dollars in the jar after accidentally muttering “fiddlesticks” when he scuffed his shoes on the ice cream machine in his office.

“This is great, really GREAT,” Trump tweeted after hearing of the Pentagon’s success. “Those guys in the funny clothes in the Rectangle Building have really come through for the WALL.”

At press time, a CH-47 helicopter could be seen airlifting the full swear jar from the Pentagon courtyard to an undisclosed location.

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Army leadership calls for “disruptive thinkers” to step forward so they can be more easily liquidated

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FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Senior Army officers and enlisted service members called for “disruptive thinkers” to come forward, so that they can more easily be identified and marginalized or even murdered, sources confirmed today.

In the “Disruptive Thinkers” seminar, a select group of senior non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers of all ranks listened to Gen. Mark Milley, chief of staff of the Army, address the crowd and speak about the importance of identifying disruptive thinkers.

“It’s of vital importance to identify you and the others among our ranks who have a good idea about how better to manage our promotion systems, our tactical doctrine, our technical training, and even the way we interact with the other instruments of government power,” said Milley, nodding curtly to the back of the room.

His personal security detail then locked the doors to the room and began the slaughter.

Other senior leaders, both currently active and retired, applaud the Army’s efforts to identify disruptive thinkers.

“I myself made a great effort to identify those officers in my command who were disruptive,” said retired Brig. Gen. William King, who before retiring led 20th Support Command ALL BY HIMSELF!

“It’s crucial to winnow the chaff from the wheat and then make sure the wheat gets cut down and made into white bread,” he said. “That’s the whole reason I was such an effective leader that I managed to disseminate anthrax and ricin to the general public over fifty times!”

Reached for comment, spokesmen for the Army general staff confirmed that disruptive thinkers are indeed a critical asset who must be quickly identified and disposed of, otherwise the Army might start winning wars, and nobody wants that.

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Air Force

After North Pole moves, NORAD assures Eric Trump it can still track Santa

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’s chances of receiving Christmas gifts, sources confirmed today.

Trump expressed concerns about observations that the magnetic north pole is drifting, which he believed could interfere with Santa Claus’s navigation capabilities or prevent the U.S. Northern Command (NORAD) from using its famous “Santa Tracker” to monitor Saint Nick’s’ toy deliveries on Christmas Eve. Either situation, according to Trump, would constitute “probably the biggest national security issue of the entire world. Like, ever.”

Trump’s concern stemmed from recent news reports that the Earth’s magnetic north pole is moving from the Canadian Artic towards Russia at 34 miles per year. Magnetic north normally moves slowly over time due to energy from the planet’s core. The current drift is significantly faster than in the past and requires updates to navigation systems.

With no official role in the White House, Trump leveraged his father’s influence and convened an emergency meeting to review the situation.

Using a model of the Santa’s workshop made from legos, Trump declared that navigation issues for Santa or a gap in NORAD tracking abilities presented a national security crisis “every bit as real as the emergency on our southern border.”

Based on the pole’s drift towards Russia, Trump was particularly concerned that Vladimir Putin is “stealing” magnetic north.

The attending CIA representative stated that the intelligence community has no evidence linking the drift to Putin or any of the “bad guys” that Trump suggested as Putin’s accomplices – Boris Badenov, Natasha Fatale, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Evil, or the Hamburgler.

“Not a chance sir,” said the CIA representative, “pretty much because they’re all fictional characters.”

Trump replied that he “totally knows” that the Hamburgler is not a real person, saying “that costume is an obvious cover disguise. Duh.”

The staff duty officer at NORAD drew a picture that depicted the drift of magnetic north and placement of NORAD sensors with the words “really big antennas here,” which eventually reassured Trump.

Trump said that he is committed to be “really really super good” in 2019 to give Santa extra incentive for overcoming the magnetic shift.

As the meeting convened, attendees overheard an Air Force representative tell Trump that NORAD “should probably get a couple of billion dollars for sensor improvements, just to be safe.”

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News

Leaked: Fortnite revealed to be Ender’s Game

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PENTAGON — Much like the search for the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, the country has erupted into a sweet Fortnite gaming sesh that doubles as real world operation to select the leader of all U.S. forces, sources confirmed today.

Billed as a battle royale video game, Fortnite has players vie to prove themselves worthy of being stolen by the government and raised as the next general to represent the U.S. in the current and future conflicts.

“This was never supposed to get out, but we’re pretty desperate here in the back rooms,” revealed Col. Graff, a Space Force official. “So we decided to just copy the book ‘Ender’s Game.’ ‘Or The Last Starfighter.’ Whatever. We’re going to try anything.”

The reveal shocked Americans when it was leaked last week, but the public has recovered from the potential moral implications — mostly because there’s a prize. Parents are encouraging their children to play Fortnite more, and reports show some actively forcing their children to leave school, imprisoning them in much the same way the children hope to be imprisoned if they win the competition.

“We figure the wars will keep going, and we’re going to want to win eventually,” stated Graff. “Why wait for the next general to be hopefully good enough to win this thing when we can raise a kid on Mountain Dew, pit him against other children, and remove his moral core until he’s ready to take wield the full power of the United States military?”

The leaks have contributed to the government’s efforts. Fortnite players are on the rise, and most are looking forward to being launched into space with multiple children saying “that’d be pretty sick.”

The military’s effort to find the next strategic military genius are still ongoing.

“Do we have one picked out?” Graff replied. “Well, we have a few. Our number one choice murdered another child in the showers, and we thought that was sort of badass. So he’s totally the top contender.”

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Army

Trump asks new secretary of defense to get Don Jr. job as an “Army guy”

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON —  President Donald Trump pulled aside Patrick Shanahan, the acting secretary of Defense, following a cabinet meeting to ask him about finding employment for Donald Trump Jr. as an “Army guy,” sources confirmed today.

“Pat, question for you,” the president began, “There’s my son, Don, you know him, Don Junior. He always wanted to be an Army guy when he was little. I mean, I think he did, I heard this from his nannies. They barely spoke English, so who knows? Anyway, so I thought, why don’t we get him a job as an Army guy?”

Sources report that Shanahan, who until the end of December had worked as the deputy under then-Secretary of Defense James Mattis, stood smiling politely as Trump continued explaining his request.

“He could be a great commander, a very, very powerful military leader,” said the president. “I’ve got a great eye for it — I went to a military prep school, it was just like the Army. So, I know what I’m talking about, and believe me, Don has what it takes.”

“So let’s make him a big shot,” Trump added. “Maybe not a general to start. He’s gotta work his way up. It’s the military. I understand, believe me. But start him at something higher than a colonel. Colonel sounds low, too low. Reminds me of Colonel Sanders. What about marshal? That’s a rank, right? Doesn’t matter, we’ll make it a rank.”

Continuing his unbroken monologue — during which Shanahan stopped smiling and began slowly rubbing his forehead — Trump also ruled out the possibility of commissioning his son in the other branches of the military.

“You might ask, what about the Navy? But no, we dressed Don and Eric up as sailors when they were kids, age 15 or so, and it was no good, they looked like sissies. Or Marines? But they’re the same as the Army, no difference, I can’t see much difference. Why don’t we merge them, by the way? Has anyone thought of that, merging the Marines and the Army? Would save a lot of money. Anyway. Air Force? No—Trumps don’t fly planes, we pay other people to fly so we can sit back with first-class service. Only the best service on my planes, believe me. Air Force One is decent, but it’s not the best, believe me, I’ve had the best.”

Sources confirm that Trump admitted this was not the first time he had made this request.

“I ran this by the guy who came before you [Secretary James Mattis], and I gotta say, he wasn’t thrilled,” the president said. “That’s part of why I fired him.”

“Because I did fire him,” Trump clarified. “He didn’t resign, I fired him after he gave me his letter of resignation. It was a firing.”

At the conclusion of their meeting, sources report, Shanahan told the president that his new duties were keeping him “quite busy.” He then suggested revisiting the president’s proposal on February 30th, and walked briskly out of the Oval Office before the president could look at a calendar.

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News

Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial

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WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

  • All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
  • Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
  • Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
  • Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
  • Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

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Marine Corps

Troops ask to live with Mattis after divorce is finalized

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WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today.

Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the cancellation of vacation plans in Syria, the president’s decision to send some of the kids to border school in October, and his well-known Diet Coke drinking problem.

“I love daddy Mattis more than anything in the entire world,” said Army Spc. Nick Kester. “He reads a book to me every night, while Trump isn’t even there at bedtime.”

Although some argue Trump has been “great with the kids” and truly cares about their welfare, a number of sources have come forward to allege the president has abused the troops he supposedly loves on a number of occasions.

Sources say Trump has not once visited them while they were away at The University of Iraq and Afghanistan. Some even believe he has been cheating on their dad with National Security Advisor John Bolton, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, or Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Troops were also angered by his erratic behavior and tendency to teach them far different life lessons than their favored parent.

“Mattis makes us do pushups and wants our family to be more lethal,” said Marine Lt. Philip Allison. “Meanwhile, when I asked Trump whether he’d like to throw the nuclear football around, he said, ‘oh sure, kid, just give me a few minutes,’ and then never came out.”

“Last time I talked with him all he kept telling me was how I was an idiot for paying anything over a 4% tax rate,” Allison added.

The couple heads to family court on Jan. 1, 2019, where a judge is expected to divide their $2.7 trillion in assets and set up a custody arrangement many believe will favor Mattis, who plans to visit with the kids often, teach them about the bullets and the bees, and put them through college on the GI Bill.

“I absolutely plan to bring up his use of community property to buy this stupid border wall that he found on Amazon,” Mattis said.

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News

Mattis appointed Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — James Mattis may have resigned from his position as the nation’s secretary of Defense on Thursday, but he won’t be out of work long.

Following his abrupt departure as President Donald Trump’s most experienced and knowledgeable foreign policy adviser, the former Marine Corps general announced today that he will be taking a role with the “Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future” (GPPF) organization, as the Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars.

“I am excited to join the civilian workforce and continue to help our country prosper,” Mattis said. “For years, I have had a knack for keeping people up at night, and I think this is the perfect opportunity to really utilize that skill set.“

Mattis’ responsibilities will include haunting past and present cabinet members, pushing them to second guess any and all erratic, nonsensical and highly questionable foreign policy decisions, as well as advising future presidential candidates on how to actually improve international relations and military strategy, rather than destroying it.

“Jim will do an excellent job serving in this role, as he’s been haunting people both in real life and in their dreams, for many, many years,” said Ebeneezer Scrooge, a GPPF spokesman. “It’s alarming to me they would even let that kind of experience walk away. He’s got more brains than anybody in the White House.”

The GPPF’s prior work has mainly involved nostalgic, covert Christmas-related operations over the years, but the organization is planning to shift their focus to a more “diplomatic approach” in 2019.

“Obviously the Christmas season is a big time of year for our organization, and we excited to have Jim come on board and help us move in this new direction,” Scrooge said. “After the mess that has gone on the last week, it’s clear somebody has got to actually step up and make this country great again.”

Following his departure from the White House in February, Mattis will be sworn in as the fourth-ever Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars, following the likes of other generational military leaders like Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld, and the esteemed Winston Churchill.

Scrooge could barely contain his excitement when talking about his new co-worker.

“He seemed pretty excited about working with competent leadership again,” said Scrooge. “He said meetings with his last boss were ‘beyond infuriating,’ whatever that is supposed to mean. I didn’t press him on the issue. Honestly, the guy scares the shit out of me.”

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