FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — Soldiers in the 129th Combat Sustainment Support Battalion stared on in disbelief last month after watching some fucking asshole pack a guitar for an upcoming Joint Readiness Training Center (JRTC) deployment, sources said.
Spc. Riley Freeland, 20, of Clackamas, Oregon, reportedly drew the ire of nearly everyone in his battalion after the idealistic jerkoff spent approximately four hours blocking and bracing a $23 acoustic guitar he bought at a local pawn shop like it was a goddamn Ming vase.
“Everyone needs a little music to keep you motivated,” said the Grade-A, asshole son-of-a-bitch, like he was heading off to Omaha Beach. “Plus, with all of the downtime I’ll have plenty of time to learn some songs I have been putting off for a while.”
“Whatever I can do to keep everyone’s minds off being away from home, you know?” added the righteous piece of fuck.
According to Freeland’s roommate, Spc. Victor Ayala, the human brown-eye reportedly purchased the guitar after watching a rash of war movies depicting soldiers conducting sing-alongs in combat.
“He is a nice enough guy and decent soldier, but there is just something I can’t put my finger on,” said Ayala. “I think it is the guitar, but why would that make me so angry?”
It is the guitar, confirmed everyone else in the unit, most of whom expressed a pervasive compulsion to punch that uncharacteristically upbeat asshole right in the cock.
Despite soldiers’ fear of being held hostage by Freeland’s ironic musical expressions, several officers, also confirmed to be unabashed assholes, are packing their guitars for much anticipated, yet equally dreaded “jam sessions.”
“[There is] nothing like a little ‘espirit de corps,'” said Platoon Leader and whimsical ass-nugget 2nd Lt. Winston Girdmore. “With the number of people packing instruments some of the other lieutenants and I are are thinking we could plan a little concert [to feed combat arms’ intense hatred of POGs].”
Personnel at both Fort Campbell and JRTC briefly rejoiced, however, after the container carrying Girdmore and Freeland’s musical instruments reportedly fell off its transport barge into the Mississippi River.
“But it was a good thing we all carried our ukuleles with us in our rucks,” said Freeland over the deafening moan of every man, woman, and child in the southeastern United States.
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