FALLUJAH, Iraq — Shi’a death squads have resumed patrols on the streets of Fallujah, “restor[ing] a sense of normalcy” to the beleaguered Iraqi city, residents say.
The Shi’a patrols follow the flight of Sunni death squads, religious police, and bootleg pornography vendors who had dominated the largely Sunni city since the Islamic State conquered it in 2014. The rapid departure of ISIS has paved the way for a welcome return to sectarian tension, corruption and graft.
Iraqi government forces announced new rules, heralding an end to the barbaric reign of ISIS.
“We are delighted to announce an end to the Sunni-on-Sunni rape that has so typified Daesh rule,” said Brig. Gen. Haider al-Obeidi of the Iraqi Federal Police/Iranian Revolutionary Guard. “From now on, brutal violence against women and children will be conducted under the rule of law.”
Fallujah’s embattled population expressed their gratitude at their liberation from slavery to second class citizenship.
“We’re just so grateful!” exclaimed repatriated resident Amira Albu Issa. “I thought we’d surely be killed for being Christian, but now, we only have to worry about being killed for going outside on Friday nights.”
Shopkeepers in Fallujah were equally overjoyed. “We will no longer pay ten percent zakat to the religious police, but only two percent for the protection racket instead! Allahu Akbar!”
Prime Minister Haider al-Badi also expressed his gratitude to the Iraqi Army, Popular Mobilization Units and militia that may or may not have been trained by Iran that backed them.
“Fallujah has returned to the embrace of the nation,” al-Badi said. “Now we must begin the rough task of providing security, rooting out heretics, punishing collaborators, and avenging Hassan.”
“We’re sending the very best personnel to aid in this undertaking.”
Prime Minister Al-Badi went to detail a security package featuring members of Asaib Ahl Haq, the Mahdi Army and the Iranian Qods Force, who would be taking point.
“I am excited to have this opportunity.” said Akram Abbas al Kabi, a former senior commander of Asaib Ahl Haq and current militia member. “We won’t let the Prime Minister or our country down.” Al-Kabi then called “dibs” on the first woman to “show some ankle.”