FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Although the Army’s birthday has just passed, Army Spc. Brent Moon has been notified his service is being terminated with an other-than-honorable discharge for failing to earn his cake.
Though many soldiers and civilians had assumed that the Army’s #EarnYourCake social media campaign was encouragement for soldiers to remain fit despite celebratory eating, Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel Dailey made it clear that the campaign was not optional.
“Even though I’m the ‘cool sergeant major,’ I’m still the living, breathing, personification of Army rules,” said Dailey while eating leftover chocolate cake with yellow icing. “I gave everyone, including Moon, a direct and lawful order via Twitter to earn their cake.”
“I was not joking even a little bit,” he said through frosting-stained lips.
Moon, a paratrooper who has typically earned perfect scores in physical fitness tests, recently had his appendix removed and could not exercise. Although on medical leave, Moon came to work to recognize the Army’s birthday and enjoy a piece of cake. After word reached the chain of command, Dailey himself came to correct the deficiency.
Moon nearly died from the ensuing scene. “After throwing my second piece of cake on the ground, Dailey told me to burn all eight hundred calories I had eaten,” Moon told reporters from the street corner where he is setting up a cardboard box.
“An hour into the push-ups, sprinting, and lunges, I threw up most of the cake I had eaten, which I thought would subtract from the cake I had to earn,” he said. “Dailey loudly informed me that it would not. Two hours later I fainted from the abdominal pain, and my command immediately started the paperwork to have me out.”
Dailey has no regrets. “The Army has always micromanaged soldiers in every detail of their lives, often at the cost of their sanity and careers. It’s a proud legacy we’ve enforced for over two hundred and forty-one years now.”
The Army considers the #EarnYourCake social media campaign to be generally successful, with planned follow-ups for #EarnYourBAH and #EarnYourInsulin in the next fiscal quarter.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.