THE PENTAGON — The fabled “Good Idea Fairy,” once thought a joke or an urban legend, and often blamed for seemingly incompetent leadership by troops across the armed forces, has been found in a sub-basement of the Pentagon, sources confirmed.
Deep inside the bowels of the distinctive military headquarters building, in a lone basement office with no sign, sits Theodore Willis. In order to reach his office, one must pass through portions of the Pentagon that simply don’t exist on any map, and where compasses begin to spin wildly.
“We cannot confirm or deny that a Theodore Willis works for the Pentagon,” Spokesman Peter Cook said in response to a Freedom of Information Act request, “and we certainly have no comment on his service record or specific duties.”
He has been described by visitors as a captain in the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force, and a Navy lieutenant. All agree his wears the parallel bars of an O-3.
Sources say Willis spends his days writing memos that contain his ideas then filing them alternately in his shredder or a fax machine.
One witness recently observed as Willis filed several memos, including one that said, “Have all troops show up 15 minutes prior to the formation. Then have each level of leadership add an additional 15 minutes prior to the time they were given. That way no one will ever be late.”
Another reportedly instructed, “Make everyone wear all of their gear when qualifying on the range; you can never be too safe,” and an additional note that simply read “REFLECTIVE BELTS.”
Willis seems to be oblivious to the impact his memos have and told one recent visitor, “I can’t really remember how long I’ve been here. I really enjoy my job though I’m not quite sure what it is.”
“I just write what comes to mind.”
While most of Willis’s memos end up in shredders, there are a few hanging on the walls of his office. He refers to these as his “Magnum Opus.”
A string of memos beginning display proudly, “Invade and destabilize a country in the most volatile regions in the world,” and “Fire the entire Iraqi Army,” and conclude with, “Leave with no real exit plan.”
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