CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Nine Marines are dead after an incident at a Pokemon GO! gym located in Sgt. Maj. Brad Kasal’s parking spot at 1st Marine Expeditionary Force headquarters yesterday.
Kasal reportedly rage-parked his 4×4 in the midst of a crowd of at least a dozen Marines who were training their Pokemon at a gym claimed by Team Instinct.
Eyewitnesses say Kasal brutally assaulted survivors of the initial crash. Kasal reportedly grabbed victims by their throat and crotch before spiking them into the asphalt and nearby parked cars.
“For a second I thought we had come across a Machamp,” said one survivor from a full body cast. “By the time I realized it was Sgt. Maj. Kasal, he had already buried his boot about six inches into my taint.”
A number of bystanders were injured during the assault. Kasal also totaled four cars and uprooted one tree.
Witnesses say Kasal loudly argued that “Millennials will be the downfall of my beloved Corps,” and he “long[ed] for the days of the Pepsi Generation!” throughout the attack.
Military Police did not respond to the scene quickly, as they had been following up on reports of a rare Pokemon located somewhere near the Consolidated Issue Facility.
As a result, Kasal escaped down the amtrac ramp, witnesses say, and shouted at the top of his lungs that he was surrounded by pussies before jumping into the water.
Kasal’s rampage and subsequent escape have left some survivors concerned about family members.
“He yelled something about finding my mother and making sure she ended up having a son she could eventually be proud of,” said one Marine who underwent emergency surgery to have a cell phone removed from his rectum.
“Does this mean Sgt. Maj. Kasal is going to be my stepdad?”
Crisis response forces from the 11th MEU have deployed to capture the enraged NCO, who was last seen swimming west into the Pacific Ocean.
Headquarters Marine Corps has not responded to a request for a statement concerning the incident or any policy on the Pokemon GO! app. A spokesman did confirm that the game has surpassed vaping as the leading cause of virginity among Marines.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.