PUTIN BAY, Ohio — A Navy veteran was abruptly relieved earlier this week, sources report, after his boat strayed into Canadian waters and his passengers and crew of one sailor were detained by members of the paramilitary Canadian Coast Guard for nearly 15 minutes.
Retired Senior Chief Petty Officer Larry Higgins has been the skipper of the Harris Crowne series pontoon boat Hard In’er Stern for nearly 25 years.
The boat reportedly drifted into Canadian waters after he stopped the vessel, laden with alcohol and fellow AARP members, to tend to a malfunction with the boat’s waterslide.
“It was a mistake, that was our fault, and we apologize for our mistake,” said a tearful Higgins to his Canadian captors. “I drank too much tequila, we put too much lube on the slide, and it gummed up the jets.”
“At the end of the day I am just thankful no one suffered any friction burns.”
According to wife and company CEO Patricia Higgins, this will likely put an end to his storied inland boating career, in addition to costing him thousands of dollars in apology jewelry.
“Due to Jeff’s toxic command climate and inability to listen to me, I had no choice but to remove him from command,” Mrs. Higgins said. “This incident, in addition to substandard July 4th ‘boat parade’ decor and a house-fire caused by an errant Chinese lantern, have caused me to lose complete confidence in his ability to command.”
“Not to mention ever having sex again.”
According to Mrs. Higgins, the boat captain has a history of misconduct. In the last 30 years alone he has been charged with multiple marital and maritime infractions. As recently as last month he was cited for poor decision making, a “grossly negligent bathroom remodel,” and “generally being an incompetent boob.”
Like all other relieved Naval commanders, Higgins will be able to quietly retire with no impact to his current US Navy retirement benefits.
His new firm, which raises awareness for inland lake boating laws, recently won a $29 million consulting contract with the US Coast Guard.
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