KABUL, Afghanistan — Following President Barack Obama’s announcement on Wednesday that more troops than initially planned will stay in Afghanistan, the war torn country reportedly rolled its eyes, glanced at its bootleg Rolex watch and lit an unfiltered Pines cigarette.
“Good Allah, the United States is taking for-ehhh-ver to pull out,” said Afghanistan. “They’ve been pumping rounds into me for almost fifteen years and not to be rude but, like, it’s not really doing anything for me.”
Sources say the country, stuck on staggering corruption, poverty and unending terror despite U.S. efforts to get it off, is tired of faking it.
“I’ll admit – at first with America I was shocked and awed, then seduced with money and big toys, and wooed with stories of a secure future, but it looks like I’ll just be left with a Power Vacuum,” the country complained.
“They knew I would have preferred a nice Hoover or Oreck instead, what with all this dust.”
Neighbors Pakistan and China say Afghanistan knows things will get even worse when the U.S. finally finishes, but at this point, would prefer to be left alone.
“Look, I get that I’m hot but I’m also almost always dry,” the country admitted. “And still they keep pounding away at my infrastructure. What’s the point anymore? What are they getting out of it? Go away and give me some privacy so I can fuck myself, on my own terms.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.