WASHINGTON, DC – In a move sure to please anyone born in the Neolithic Age, Gen. Robert B. Neller, commandant of the Marine Corps, recently announced the return of the “Old Corps.” Displeased with the modern-era Corps’ reliance on technology, Neller believes Marines can win the fight against ISIS by taking things back to the time before the birth of Christ.
“I’m tired of you friggin’ crybabies bitching about the shitty free Wi-Fi in the barracks and how the A/C doesn’t work in your Humvee,” Neller said. “When I joined the Corps, air conditioning meant running fast and making your own damn breeze.”
Neller cited recent incidents in which ISIS learned about US plans by following units on Snapchat and Twitter as the impetus for his plan.
“If we write all our operational orders on papyrus, commit that shit to memory, and then eat the paper, there won’t be any ‘following’ or hacking. All those POGs at Cyber Command can find something else to do,” Neller said.
Further pressing his case for the return of the Old Corps, Neller cited the time when his logistics officer accidentally ordered 111 full-sheet cakes for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball instead of one. “It’ll be hard to fat-finger an abacus!” Neller cackled.
Representatives at Marine Corps Systems Command were ecstatic to receive the order for the ancient Egyptian-style paper and abacuses late last week.
“Finally, something we can afford to buy for the Marines!” exclaimed Brig. Gen. Joseph Shrader, commander of MARCORSYSCOM. “You can get an abacus for like $7 on Amazon! I mean, um, from a merchant at an agora in the center of the village.”
As of press time, Shrader and his staff were seen digging through the SYSCOM basement for an astrolabe so they could navigate their way to Mesopotamia to obtain the requested items.