FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — The Army is set to announce the creation of a special commando unit, according to senior Pentagon sources. The “Joint Regional Kommando Suicide Skwad” or “JRKSS” will reduce over-reliance on Special Operations Forces in major combat operations around the world, while giving the Army a no-holds-barred option in black operations.
Sources say the initial roster includes: Nidal Hasan, code name “Professor Ex,” villainous mastermind of the 2009 Fort Hood shooting; Chelsea Manning, code name “Caitlyn,” disseminator of classified material and notorious bed wetter; and Robert Bales, code name “Whacko,” the team’s gruff, psychotic, loose cannon infamous for his “Kandahar Massacre” killing spree.
Bowe “The Navigator” Bergdahl was included among the original members but wandered off during a preliminary training exercise and was immediately promoted to E-8.
Sources close to the Chief of Staff say JRKSS “is a great way to develop expendable, covert assets to utilize during high-risk, black-ops missions throughout the world.”
Considering many of the members are already guilty of heinous war crimes and the deaths of innocents, collateral damage isn’t of too much concern.
“We’ve had units like this ever since Company C wiped My Lai off the face of the map during Vietnam,” said Col. Franklin “Frag” Rock, director of the new program.
“Deploying miscreants on dangerous, distasteful missions is the only reasonable way to have these JRKSS fulfill their service obligations.”
Reaction to the formation and deployment of JRKSS has been mixed.
“I don’t see what’s so special about this unit,” said Command Sgt. Maj. Anthony Stoneburg of U.S. Army Recruiting Command. “We’ve been enlisting felons for decades.”
“I really don’t mind being in this situation,” said Manning. “As long as they let me fight like a girl. Oh, and make my call sign ‘Puddin.’ ‘Caitlyn’ isn’t really my thing.”
Bales seemed confused. “So wait,” said Robert Bales. “You’re giving me permission this time?”
“Wait a damn minute,” Hasan said during an insert into a hot LZ. “I’m in a fucking wheelchair!”
Abu Muhammad al-Adani, official spokesperson and senior leader of ISIS has shown little concern over the formation of the crack unit war criminals.
“Just one suicide squad,” said al-Adani. ”Pussies.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.