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Marine Corps

Marine Special Operators get a codpiece

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USMC photo.

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The Marine Corps has announced the authorization of an “extra very special insignia” MARSOC operators will be able to wear “in order to make POGs understand more clearly that they just don’t rate,” according to Maj. Gen. Carl E. Mundy III, command of Marine Special Operations Command (MARSOC).

The insignia, the first Marine Corps-only uniform device, features a large gold codpiece that attaches to the crotch of the uniform trousers to accentuate the genital area. Written across the front of the codpiece is the MARSOC motto: “Prima Nocte.”

MARSOC spokesman Capt. Barry Morris said, “The creation of this device grants Raiders a visual certification of their critical role in making all other service members feel less critical in their daily tasks and duties.”

“It’s critically important we call attention to our phallic areas to loudly proclaim our operators as quiet professionals,” said Mundy. “This badge will distinguish special operations forces-qualified Marines, recognizing them as an operator with critical skills, like bow hunting skills, nun-chuck skills, computer hacking skills. We only want operators with great critical skills.”

The decision to authorize a completely unnecessary device was part of a bold move for the Marine Corps to access DoD overcompensation funding which until now had only been available to elite SEAL teams of Naval Special Warfare Command.

In response to MARSOC dipping into their funding, the SEALs are considering increasing the size of their special warfare insignia by a full one quarter inch.

“No way we’ll let a bunch of jarheads overcompensate better than us,” said Rear Adm. Tim Szymanski, commanding officer of Naval Special Warfare Command. “This will show them!”

Joint Special Operations Command did not respond to a request for comment, as everyone had reported to the nearest restroom to measure each other’s dicks.

Marine Corps

Opinion: I am very tired

By Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps

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Good Morning, Marines.

As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.

I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?

Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.

But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.

Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.

Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.

So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.

Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.

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Marine Corps

Report: Camp Lejeune Marines sandbagged during their sandbagging mission

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marines at Camp Lejeune and the surrounding area were totally sandbagging during their mission to sandbag areas of the base in preparation for the hurricane, sources confirmed today.

“I don’t even freaking know why we’re out here, man,” said Lance Cpl. Allen Jones, an ammunition specialist with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines, taking his 17th smoke break earlier this week.

“You honestly are going to sit there and tell me a 30-pound sandbag is going to stop a freaking hurricane? I’m no general or meteorologist, but we’re all fucked for sure.”

Hurricane Florence is expected to cause massive flooding over the weekend near Camp Lejeune and its surrounding areas. Potential flooding led Brig. Gen. Julian D. Alford, the commanding general of Camp Lejeune, to order the filling and stacking of sandbags around mission-critical structures on-post, as well as within the local community.

“Since 1941, this base and its Marines have been postured to deal with crises at home and abroad and Hurricane Florence is no exception,” Alford said, adding that Marines needed something to do to distract them from attempting to jump off their 3rd floor balconies while tied to a poncho liner with 550 cord.

“I joined the Marines to serve my country and I guess stacking sandbags is part of it, as much as I don’t want to be out here,” said Pfc. James Ramirez, a supply clerk with 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines. “I mean it’s just a hurricane, like we’ll be fine, even if the mission fails, right?”

When asked about the larger impact of the sandbagging mission, Ramirez rolled his eyes, and started to fill what would actually be his only sandbag of the day.

“I’m over this shit,” he said as he threw his shovel into a large sand pile and lit up another cigarette.

As of Saturday morning, an estimated zero buildings on Camp Lejeune had been effectively sandbagged, even with the entire battalion working since Wednesday.

Still, Jones and his fellow squad members were able to sandbag three nearby strip clubs, two bars, and six tattoo parlors, all in under an hour.

“I’ll be damned if a hurricane is going to take away where I spend my weekends,” Jones said. “Don’t ever tell me I haven’t sacrificed for my country.”

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Marine Corps

Marines mop parking lot in preparation for VIP hurricane

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CAMP LEJEUNE — With a very important Category 4 hurricane charging towards the eastern seaboard, Marine leaders are instructing barracks residents to present a sterling image, which includes a total clean-up of the inside of their rooms and mopping of the parking lots, sources confirmed today.

“This very impressive hurricane could get a lot of TV coverage, and we can’t have the world seeing a dirty parking lot outside the barracks when the cameras start rolling,” Sgt. Maj. Charles A. Metzger, the base sergeant major, told reporters. “I mean, how ridiculous would that make us look?”

The list of preparatory tasks also includes mowing the dirt and painting gravel.

Metzger emphasized that these tasks were in the best interests of the Marines.

“Everyone knows that a Marine off duty will only get into trouble,” he noted while watching a grown man on his hands and knees pull pieces of broken glass from under a bush. “Even though I can’t imagine why Marines would ever need to drink or mentally escape with a career this good.”

At press time, Marines were being instructed to use dustpans for bailing water into the barracks showers to keep the parking lot dry during the storm.

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Marine Corps

Marine dies waiting for pair-of-socks transplant donor

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SAN DIEGO — Marine Cpl. Alexander Robinson passed away early Saturday after a suitable donor could not be found for a pair-of-socks transplant, sources confirmed today.

Robinson first checked in to Naval Hospital Camp Pendleton Tuesday morning after suffering a severe ankle sprain during his unit’s annual combat fitness test, officials said. Doctors immediately placed him on an IV drip of dihydrogen monoxide and issued him a straw, as he was initially assessed as stable with strong hopes for a full recovery.

By early Wednesday evening, however, his condition worsened and he slipped into a coma. Intubating him with a steady supply of Motrin, doctors made the decision to go ahead with a pair-of-socks replacement and put him on the transplant list.

“It was a tough call,” said Navy Cmdr. Andrea Johnson, the on-call surgeon. “Being infantry, he is by default half brain-dead, and therefore technically doesn’t meet the criteria for a POS transplant. However, we were optimistic the procedure could save his life, and so we requested the new socks. The issue was time, and if a suitable replacement could be found.”

To buy time, Cmdr. Johnson ordered doctors to rub some dirt on Robinson, which seemed to be just what he needed before a potential donor was found. Unfortunately, a donor compatibility test revealed that the white PT socks were not a match for Robinson’s Fox River boot socks.

The Marine held on for more than 10 hours waiting for a donor, but eventually his injuries were too much, and he was pronounced dead just before 12:30 a.m. Saturday morning.

A Pentagon spokesman told reporters that the entire Department of Defense sends its thoughts and prayers to Robinson’s family and unit members. The spokesman also added that he would be posthumously demoted for unauthorized absence, failing to complete annual training, and malingering.

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Army

Google unveils new search tool to help infantrymen find jobs as security guards

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Google has unveiled a new search tool to help Army and Marine infantrymen find jobs as security guards, truck drivers, and professional hitmen, sources confirmed today.

In an announcement earlier this week, the Silicon Valley tech giant rolled out its job search tool in order to help military personnel transition to civilian life. One tool appears after a veteran types in “jobs for veterans” into the Google search box, allowing them to input their military occupational specialty and see jobs in their area that pertain to their skillset.

Infantrymen using the service will see a wide variety of jobs available in their area, which run the gamut from unarmed security guard to armed security guard. Some locations also show infantry-centric jobs such as school janitor and restaurant dishwasher — an example of Google’s algorithm understanding that most infantry personnel clean their barracks or their weapons for about 98 percent of their enlistment.

In addition to the job search tool, Google also announced a grant for veterans to pursue a career in IT support and added the ability for civilians to falsely claim their business was veteran-owned.

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Marine Corps

Marines’ balls bigger than ever this year

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QUANTICO, Va. — The annual Marine Corps birthday celebration is approaching, and the Corps says this year its balls are bigger than they have ever been.

“We’ve been working the issue for a while, and nearing the peak of our planning, I can finally say all our units will have huge balls,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald L. Green. “When people hear about our balls, they’re going to want to come right away.”

This year marks the 243rd birthday of the Corps, and despite budget cuts, Marines worldwide are expected to pull it off in style. Though some of the units in the Asia-Pacific region are smaller in size, they still intend to party hard.

“We’re not trying to blow the bugle too soon, but fireworks are going to explode at the end of our event,” said Lt. Gen. Eric M. Smith, commanding general of III Marine Expeditionary Force in Okinawa, Japan.

Given the large number events planned worldwide, banquet space has been difficult to find for some battalions, so the Navy has stepped in and offered to hold their balls. The majority of units declined, however, saying they weren’t interested in having seamen all over the place.

While some at the Pentagon were concerned about the Marines inviting the general public to their private celebrations, Defense Secretary James Mattis was clear about the issue.

“The more people we can touch with our balls, the better.”

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Army

Army announces double deep-fried jalapeño cheese ravioli burrito MRE

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NATICK, Mass. — Army leaders have announced their next line of meals, ready to eat (MRE) will be four times the size of a regular meal and feature new items such as a double deep-fried jalapeño cheese ravioli burrito, sources confirmed today.

The announcement of MRE #38, which has already been dubbed a “Mega MRE,” comes as some soldiers have demanded more food during high op-tempo missions, while others have requested new and larger menu items for when they are skipping PT and just getting fat during year-long deployments to Kuwait.

Born out of the Combat Feeding Directorate at the Natick Soldier Research, Production and Supply Center, researchers decided to tackle a burrito that weighed in over a pound soon after they had perfected the new pizza MRE, which features a pepperoni topping and an accessory packet of diarrhea.

“We were tired of asking ourselves ‘why’ and just said ‘fuck it, why not’,” Natick spokesman Peter Sawka told reporters, adding that, since jalapeño cheese spread was already popular with troops, researchers decided to just mutate the recipe to the extreme.

“We were going to add beef, bacon, and a hot sauce into it, but that would end up weighing more than the average paratrooper,” he said.

At least some soldiers will be able to unhinge their jaw and inhale this the monstrosity by Thanksgiving, since Mega MREs will be deployed for downrange testing in mid-November, according to officials. Besides the main burrito meal, it will also include various snacks such as Bacon Pork Belly Sausage in Creamy Alfredo Mayonnaise Sauce, High Protein Snickers Bar Sandwich with Marshmallow Dip, Fried Buttered Pretzel Fries, M&M, Starburst, and Chocolate Chip Trail Mega-Mix, and Non-Descript Black Protein Shake (Ingredients Unknown).

Each MRE will provide about 13,660 calories, while its durable packaging allows it to be airdropped by parachute from 150 feet, although the shockwave after its landing will most likely level a small village, officials said.

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Air Force

Trump signs executive order putting Chik-fil-A on every military base

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WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.

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