Opinion: You don’t get the haircut you want, you get the haircut you deserve

Spc. Patrick Wicklund, medical regulating specialist, 452nd Combat Support Hospital (Forward), gets his Flattop haircut at the barbershop at Camp Arifjan, Kuwait, April 16, 2014. Wicklund received the "Flattop of the Week" award and now it is his duty to choose his successor. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Ryan Hallock)

You’re next, my man. Have a seat. What are we doing today? Flattop fade, skin around the ears you say? Sounds good.

Too bad that’s not what you’re going to get.

It works like this, you came in here because it’s convenient and there happened to be a minimal wait right now. I get it. When was the last time you were in a real barbershop, let alone my barbershop?

We value loyalty here, my friend. Yeah. I went higher with my balding clippers than you wanted. Don’t worry. It’ll come out fine.

Another thing we value is appropriate decision-making. I saw the stickers on your car when you parked. You have a decision-making deficit. No one needs to see that you have a Combat Action Badge. Also, no one cares that you’re in the Military Police Corps. Great way to get yourself singled out for a slashed tire.

What? Yes, I do use a clipper comb when I give a flattop. No, I’m not using a clipper comb on your cut.

So, where was I? Ah, yes. I’m not just a trained craftsman, plying my time-honored trade of the tonsorial arts. I am also trying to instill some values in you guys. Loyalty, discipline, integrity. That sort of thing. As well as making sure you clowns know how to tip.

Yes, a cut here at the PX Barbershop is $7.35. But ask yourself “how much is a good cut worth to me?”

You’d just spend that $2.65 in change on a Monster drink or a Coke and a bag of Funyuns anyway. It’s even better if you go ahead and kick in another buck or two. Ya know, for the effort.

So, once you get things sorted out in the ol’ head space and timing department, we’ll start getting your hair cut closer to how you want it. It’s for your own good.

And one fresh Quo Vadis with a spike front. Ok, you’re all done, First Sergeant.

Who’s next?


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