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Quiz: Which Global War on Terrorism operation are YOU?

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Soldiers guard Newark Airport. Not pictured: ammunition. (NJ Air National Guard photo.)

Duffel Blog surveyed all the most popular GWOT operations to identify the characteristics you might associate yourself with. Read the descriptions below to find yours!

Do you always manage to say the wrong thing? Do you trip over your own shoelaces, dance to your own drummer and get too loud at parties? Do you wear loud Hawaiian shirts and get called “the crazy friend?” Is your TV identity Kimmy Gibbler from Full House? Then you might be..

Operation Iraqi Freedom

Operation Iraqi Freedom, the old buddy that keeps showing up

Sure, sometimes we like to act like it would be better not to have OIF around, but not all operations are perfect. You’ve become a permanent part of the family, warts and all. Think of all the good times.

Or,

Are you loyal and consistent, but a bit of a wallflower? Do you find yourself wanting to spend a rainy Saturday inside with your cats and a nice cup of rooibos tea? You’re the one that your friends always call on for advice, but never the last one at the party. You might be….

Operation Noble Eagle

Operation Noble Eagle, the Netflix and Chill of the Global War on Terror

You’ve been there since 9/11, the most consistent and longest standing mission in the GWOT. Sure, you’re not always doing the flashy stuff, but someone has to stand around at the airports making them “look like a hard target.”

Or,

Are you a maverick? Are you ready to speak up and let your opinions be known? Do people tell you that you’re writing checks with your mouth that your body can’t cash? Are you all flash and no bang? You’re the one that makes big threats when you’re angry, but everyone knows you’ll calm down and won’t follow through. You might be…

Operation Inherent Resolve

160724-N-QN175-011 ARABIAN GULF (July 24, 2016) – Seaman Kelcey Woodward mans the aft lookout watch station on vulture's row of the aircraft carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower (CVN 69) (Ike). Ike and its Carrier Strike Group are deployed in support of Operation Inherent Resolve, maritime security operations and theater security cooperation efforts in the U.S. 5th Fleet area of operations. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Dartez C. Williams/Released)

No one knows exactly what you’re doing and it’s probably best that way.

Or,

Do you always remember birthdays and anniversaries? Are you “always there” for people, without actually doing a lot? You’re the one that gets to picked to be a bridesmaid at your 5th grade BFF’s wedding. You might grow and change over time, but you never forgot where you came from. You might be…

Operation Enduring Freedom

Operation Enduring Freedom, the mission that keeps enduring.

Operation Enduring Freedom, the mission that keeps enduring.

Sure, you may have pulled out of Afghanistan, but you remember that you still have friends in Cuba and Djibouti. And probably someplace else? You should really check on that.

Or,

Are you a trendsetter? Do you prefer a flat white to a French roast? Were you wearing skinny jeans back when men had to buy them in the women’s section? You might be…

Operation Atlantic Resolve

Atlantic Resolve: Embracing the past, looking to the future

You’re the trendsetter, the sign of things to come. Unless Trump is elected. Then you might be “Operation Red Storm Rising.”

Miscellaneous

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

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CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

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Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same

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Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Payday lenders still kicking ass since shutdown doesn’t affect military

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Columbus, Ga. — Tensions are high throughout the government with the current shutdown, but payday lenders outside the gates of military installations across the country are doing absolutely fabulous, sources confirmed today.
As more and more service members are brought home from the current conflicts, they find themselves wanting to buy $1,349 worth of alcohol in a single night. There is really only one way for a soldier to get their hands on that kind of money semi-legally, and outlets with exorbitant interest rates are only more than willing to help.
“Phew! We were sorta worried about it all back there,” said Paul Sunders, a payday lender that prefers to be called Eagle, outside of Fort Benning, Georgia. “If those kids stop getting paid, it becomes a real mess for us.”
Eagle is the embodiment of the American dream. He wears an oversized American flag suit with matching tie and tennis shoes. His eyeglasses automatically faded into sunglasses when Duffel Blog correspondents met him outside his establishment.
Eagle comes from a long line of payday lenders, dating back to the Civil War when payday lenders were basically the same as they are today — camping outside of the sites soldiers stayed and moving from camp to camp promising the soldiers money immediately along with sips of Moutain Dew.
“Many granddaddies ago, we used to only break thumbs when a loan wasn’t paid. I’d like to think we’re a lot more polite these days. We thank every soldier for their service before we wreck the sh*t out of their credit scores,” Eagle said. “We also started a punchcard program so you get that tenth loan at a real good 20 percent.”
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Space Force reservists already volunteering for temporary duty on moon to escape wives

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WASHINGTON — Thousands of male reservists have submitted temporary duty (TDY) request packets to the Space Force for assignment on the moon in an attempt to avoid their wives, sources confirmed today.

The rush of TDY requests have skyrocketed since March 2018 when President Donald Trump announced the creation of the nation’s newest military branch.

Offering numerous opportunities for deployment, Space Force office phones started ringing off the hook immediately, inundating the service with requests from men anxious for temporary relief from the excruciating pain of being married.

“I’m excited at the prospect of joining the nation’s first members of Space Force to get assigned to the moon,” said Lt. Bradley Esteban. “I know the conditions and temperatures are extreme, and I could easily be killed. But that’s nothing compared to living with my dreadful, high-maintenance, controlling wife of 6 years. I’m ready to roll. Let’s go!”

The dangerous, life-threatening assignment on the moon will be filled with unimaginable risks, ranging from equipment failure to running out of oxygen. But that isn’t stopping patriotic service members from volunteering in droves.

“I don’t even care about hazardous duty pay, or even healthcare benefits – they can keep all of it,” said Staff Sgt. Carlos Munoz, who has been married for over 10 years. “Just get me the hell out of here. She won’t quit riding my ass about playing video games and cleaning the house.”

Military wives are reportedly objecting to the notion of the TDY requests, citing the need for the trash to be taken out, the lawn to be mowed, and the car to be repaired.

One female military spouse, who only agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, sees the astro-TDY requests as pathetic.

“My husband and all his little Space Force cronies are a bunch of wannabes who need to get their shit together. They need to man the ‘f’ up and tend to their responsibilities instead of running off to play butt-buddy in space,” she said while preparing to call her husband’s CO to demand he deny her husband’s TDY request.

Service members have submitted their TDY requests prematurely because there are not really any Space Force operations now, according to military sources.

Meanwhile, senior military officials also noted that orders to the moon are also unlikely to be issued for the next few decades. Reservists were upset to learn they are stuck on earth and must endure the challenges of dealing with a whiny spouse with little hope for the future.

“Is there anywhere else in the solar system I can get orders to?” asked Sgt. Willy Breckenridge. “What about North Dakota? I’ll go there, even. I need a break. God damn, I need a break.”

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Syria totally pregnant after late US pull out

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ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today.

Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw military forces from Syria on a timeline being developed. Critics claim the withdrawal jeopardizes the Syrian Democratic Forces, which receive American military weapons and support.

“What bullshit. Since 2013, the U.S. was all like, ‘I really care about you,’ and ‘don’t worry I’ll be careful,’” Syria told reporters. “How was I supposed to know the U.S. would only stay in long enough to spawn a bunch of freedom fighters but pull out as soon as it got some international booty call offer from my thotty neighbor, Turkey?”

“Turkey acts like the queen bee around here because she thinks our father, the Ottoman Empire, loved her best like, 100 years ago,” Syria added. “Now thanks to her cozying up to America I’ll be left with a lot of children who are pissed off and heavily armed. And their deadbeat daddy’s initials are U.S.A.”

Foreign interventions require clear national goals, operations crafted to achieve defined objectives, and strategic considerations, according to foreign policy experts. Asked how many of these elements the US intervention in Syria included, Dr. Owen Killian at the Brookings Institution responded, “Pretty much none of them. The U.S. appears to have entered Syria with little planning about how long to stay, how to end the affair, or the impact of fucking around in the Middle East.”

“This basically shows all the forethought and follow through of a drunken frat boy,” Killian continued. “You can’t stop the biology of intervention. Disgorging forces into a country without protection almost always results in a lot of angry offspring, especially if Marines are involved.”

Syria said she regrets the affair.

“I should have seen this coming,” Syria said. “America pulled the same shit in 1984 when it withdrew from Lebanon, and that left the world with that psycho brat named Hezbollah.”

Although a contingent of French forces will remain in Syria, the American pullout raises the potential for competing powers to fill a regional power vacuum.

“Who’s going to help me raise these kids?” Syria asked. “That nut case ISIS will steal them in a Damascus minute if I turn my back. Russia and Iran are lurking around, but they’re creepy and crazy. China is always willing to send money, but that comes with a lot of strings. Only France seems to be really committed to sticking around.”

“Are you kidding me? France?” Syria added with a sigh. “Great. My kids are going to grow up to be fucking mimes.”

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Duffel Blog Presents

Duffel Blog Presents: Holiday gift ideas for your favorite vetbro

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You honored the hell out of your military friends and family for Veterans Day. And the Marine Corps birthday. And the Fourth of July. And Memorial Day. And Labor Day for some reason. But now what do you get the ultimate veteran for Christmas? Don’t sweat it. Duffel Blog’s got you.

Our editors curated the perfect gift assortment for every vetbro on your nice list, no matter their EAS date or preferred holiday. Don’t forget to use the code ‘heroworship’ when you check out because of course there is a veteran discount.

1. Woobie Robe: This comfy AF bathrobe has the look and smell of a foxhole-tested poncho liner with the added absorption of French terry cloth to ward off trench crotch. And it has pockets!

2. Ranger Up Shirt-of-the-Month Club: Your special vet gets the same moto t-shirt in a bigger size every month.

3. Ibuprofen Advent calendar: Treat them to Christmas-flavored pain relief all month with eggnog, peppermint, and gingerbread delights. Background choices include pinks and greens Santa or Arlington gravestones dusted with snow.

4. Personalized MARPAT Menorah: You can order hand-crafted candles that resemble all your warrior’s favorite officers so she can burn them in effigy for all the times they burned her.

5. Campaign medal nipple clamps: We know you love to hurt, so bust out your ho-ho-ho with this super moto, super sexy gift that will keep Christmas coming all year round. Kuwait Liberation Medal clamp set currently on back-order.

6. CLP-infused body butter: Impress the armory custodian in your life with just the right hint of scent and just the right touch of lube. Here’s one gift he won’t hand back.

7. Blood stripe Festivus pole: Air your grievances with Marine Corps flair!

8. ‘Veteran’s Little Helper’ Santa hat for your buddy’s service dog: Because your disabled veteran friend’s sole personality trait is that he has a service animal.

9. A blowjob: That’s actually all your veteran wants. Give this gift and be a real holiday hero. No discount code required.

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Miscellaneous

Pentagon fails first audit and still gets promoted to Hexagon

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WASHINGTON — Despite failing the first audit in its over 70 year history, the Pentagon is being promoted to the rank of hexagon in a move that surprised few but angers many, sources confirmed today.

The promotion comes after the completion of a year-long audit where the Department of Defense passed only five of 21 assessed areas, with an overall failure for the DoD. The audit identified significant issues with information security and inventory management.

Such a high profile failure sometimes ends careers, but some question why the Pentagon is not being held accountable for its poor performance.

“How the hell did it fail?” asked Staff Sgt. Alan Hickman, a member of the Army Staff. “What, seven decades wasn’t enough time to prepare? Haven’t we been managing inventories since like 1776 or something? Any moron who tanks an audit with that much lead time should get shit canned, forget a promotion. This is fuck up and move up.”

Air Force Capt. Charles “Butthurt” Butarski seemed to agree, telling reporters, “This is obviously favoritism because nobody is questioning why we failed on information security. Seriously — three years ago a bunch of hackers stole files on 22 million people from the OPM server and the Pentagon is still fixing shit at about the pace of a three-toed sloth.”

Still, some senior-ranking personnel offered differing viewpoints.

“This promotion is completely normal and well deserved,” said a military flag officer who asked to not be named. “The audit failure is certainly serious, but it shouldn’t tarnish the Pentagon’s otherwise stellar career, at least not any more than failures affect senior officers who then miraculously survive misconduct investigations with apparent impunity.”

Kathryn Gillerson, a Department of the Navy Civilian, said she wasn’t surprised the Pentagon was finally making Hexagon.

“It’s part of the old boy network. If I failed that audit they’d send me to run a shoppette on Kwajalein Atoll. They’ll probably hold a promotion party and yuk it up about the good old days of Fat Leonard bashes.”

Sources said that to address the audit issues, immediately after promotion the Pentagon will require all employees to re-take the DoD Cyber Awareness Challenge and will improve inventory management through new contracted support. Several Chinese and Russian companies are reportedly competing for the effort.

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Thanksgiving declares unconditional surrender in War on Christmas

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Turkey Prime Minister Gobbler has announced his plans for unconditional surrender to Gen. Santa Clausewitz of the Christmas Empire after many decades of frigid winter combat in North America, sources confirm today.

First declared in 1959, the War on Christmas began as internal strife. However, after the experienced General Clausewitz eventually gained control of the Empire in a military coup, he used his momentum to rapidly begin encroaching on the borders of Thanksgiving in a power play that left the western world roiling.

Initially, Thanksgiving’s Turkey Army held strong along with the aid of longtime allies Veteran’s Day and Halloween, and most observers believed the so-named Autumn Allied Forces (AAF) would defend its territory with ease. This appeared to be the case for decades as the AAF firmly held Christmas behind the Black Friday DMZ.

However, Santa Clausewitz switched to a widespread war of attrition in the 1990s, using his charismatic leadership and the Empire’s worldwide ideological support to slowly chip away at the border between fall and winter. With the ability to evade detection and appear in chimneys behind enemy lines, the orange and black flag lost more and more ground to the red and green.

As concerns began to rise, Thanksgiving looked for allies in New Year’s, Valentine’s Day and even MLK Jr Day. It found no help there, as Christmas remained thoroughly uninterested in expanding its borders Springward.

In the 2000s, the Christmas Empire seemed to no longer need attrition-based insurgency tactics, and unabashedly expanded its logistics chains past the fall borders. Thanksgiving began to face internal problems during this time as well, with small-time rebellions popping up in response to Thanksgiving’s alleged slaughter of Native Americans in its formative years. Gobbler staunchly denied the claims and continued its war, albeit with less support.

Despite continuing its ongoing fight even as it became the losing side, Thanksgiving finally realized the hopelessness of its struggle in the past months. When Christmas displayed its ability to move past Thanksgiving’s borders and operate with impunity even before Halloween, the AAF made a joint decision to throw in the towel.

Ironically, both sides looked to support from the same God, insisting their war was of a holy nature. It’s unknown how the end of this war will affect worldwide religious followers, but in North America, supporters of Thanksgiving have been increasingly going to ground.

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